Post by goldensandslash on Jul 14, 2017 21:54:02 GMT
Magic’s Tournament Rules are weird. They state, in Section 3.3, that in order to be a tournament-legal card, your cards must have non-silver borders.
This essentially makes Unglued, Unhinged, and Happy Holidays cards all illegal.
On WyvernIRC, we have a similar policy: you’re not allowed to use the funny cards. God forbid you have fun while playing a game.
Now, with three new silver-bordered promos coming out in September for HASCON, and Unstable coming out on December 8th, we’re going to be getting a lot more funny stuff.
As such, I wonder if it’s worth examining the Un-cards and seeing if we should allow them or not. After all, the point of Magic is to have fun, so why not have fun?
Now, there are some Un-cards that just won’t work in an online setting, so those will obviously be excluded, but for those that do work, why not?
One notable thing is that when Unhinged was announced, Wizards made a point of saying that it was not going to be released on Magic Online, because that wouldn’t work. However, they have not said any such thing about Unstable. This makes me think that maybe they found a way to make it work with MTGO. If that’s the case, then I think it is worth examining the Un-cards.
We’ll start with Unglued. Unglued has a lot of cards that would work today. What was unacceptable in black-border back then is sometimes acceptable now. Let’s take a look:
Ashnod’s Coupon || 0 || Artifact || {T}, Sacrifice Ashnod’s Coupon: Target player gets you target drink. || Errata: You pay any costs for the drink.
Errata: The "cost" part of the effect is no longer classified as an errata. It is also no longer its own line of text. It simply carries on into the next sentence. "Target player gets you target drink. You pay any costs for the drink."
Promo: So, I have been informed that, in order to promote Unhinged, there were several silver-bordered cards that were made available in 2004 as Arena League Promos. They are all reprints of cards from Unhinged, save for this one, which was a reprint of a card from Unglued. It shouldn't affect whether we can play with it online or not, but given that this is silver-border, each printing of a card counts as a different card (note that all of the promos have different art than their original printings). So, in order to have a comprehensive list of silver-bordered cards, I am going to note the promo cards when we get to them, as I am here. (In addition to the cards listed, any token card that came from a silver-bordered set is also silver-bordered, so take that for what you will in regards to comprehensiveness.)
Verdict: Won’t work online. Keep this one banned.
B.F.M. (Big Furry Monster) || BBBBBBBBBBBBBBB || Summon The Biggest, Baddest, Nastiest, Scariest Creature You’ll Ever See || 99/99 || You must play both B.F.M. cards to put B.F.M. into play. If either B.F.M. card leaves play, sacrifice the other. || B.F.M. can be blocked only by three or more creatures.
Errata: "Summon" was changed to "Creature", "play" was changed to "cast", "If either B.F.M. card" was changed to "If one B.FM. card", "leaves play" has been changed to "leaves the battlefield", and "can only be blocked by" was changed to "can't be blocked except by".
Verdict: This seems acceptable, especially now that meld exists, which operates very similarly. It’s not exactly the same, but “two cards representing one permanent” isn’t unheard of anymore. This also plays identically to the LEGEND mechanic from Pokémon TCG’s HeartGold & SoulSilver expansion. So there is proof that it does work in a non-humorous TCG. The one question is whether a 99/99 with super-menace for fifteen mana is too overpowered or not. I could see an argument made in that direction. However, it has no form of protecting itself against removal, it has the downside of requiring all fifteen mana to be black, which isn’t exactly known for ramp spells, and you are required to have both halves to cast it. I don’t know how Magic would rule, but for Pokémon LEGEND cards, these two halves have the same name, so you’d only be able to include two copies of each before you hit the four-copy limit. Maybe the same thing can be done here. Oh, and btw, this slides really well into a devotion deck. Just saying.
Blacker Lotus || 0 || Artifact || {T}: Tear Blacker Lotus into pieces. Add four mana of any one color to your mana pool. Play this ability as a mana source. Remove the pieces from the game afterwards.
Errata: "Play this ability as a mana source" was removed. The word "afterwards" at the end was also removed.
Verdict: Doesn’t seem like this one works. I think I’d be okay with it if we had a strict “no proxies allowed” rule, but we don’t. In fact, we have the opposite. The entire point of the card is that you have to physically destroy it, thus ensuring that you have no way of using it ever again in any future game. With proxies, however, you can just say “okay, I proxy up a new copy”. And if we change the way this ability works to simply be an exile instead of a physical destruction, it makes the card way too overpowered.
Bronze Calendar || 4 || Artifact || Your spells cost {1} less to play as long as you speak in a voice other than your normal voice. || If you speak in your normal voice, sacrifice Bronze Calendar.
Errata: The first ability has been split up into two abilities. "Spells you cast cost {1} less to cast." and "You must speak in a voice other than your normal voice."
Verdict: I think this could work, albeit it would be weird. I would require the player to do something odd with their messages, such as capitalizing every other letter, or writing backwards, or something like that. Unfortunately, this could fall apart because of rooms. The effect of Bronze Calendar is supposed to apply to all speech, not just in-game speech, and we can’t monitor every room, considering that some are secret and some are PMs. Won’t work if we interpret it that way. We could make it affect only #mtg though.
Bureaucracy || 3UU || Enchantment || Pursuant to subsection 3.1(4) of Richard’s Rules of Order, during the upkeep of each participant in this game of the Magic: The Gathering® trading card game (hereafter known as “PLAYER”), that PLAYER performs all actions in the sequence of previously added actions (hereafter known as “ACTION QUEUE”), in the order those actions were added, then adds another action to the end of the ACTION QUEUE. All actions must be simple physical or verbal actions that a player can perform while sitting in a chair, without jeopardizing the health and security of said PLAYER. || If any PLAYER does not perform all the prescribed actions in the correct order, sacrifice Bureaucracy and said PLAYER discards his or her complement of cards in hand (hereafter known as “HAND”).
Errata: "during the upkeep" is now "at the beginning of the upkeep". The "If" at the beginning of the second ability now says "When" instead.
Verdict: While this could work via /me commands, the entire point of this is to turn it into a memory game, and logs prevent that from working.
Burning Cinder Fury of Crimson Chaos Fire || 3R || Enchantment || Whenever any player taps a card, that player gives control of that card to an opponent at end of turn. || If a player does not tap any nonland cards during his or her turn, Burning Cinder of Crimson Chaos Fire deals 3 damage to that player at end of turn.
Errata: This card has now been completely re-written. Its first ability now reads "Whenever any player taps a permanent, that player choose one of his or her opponents. The chosen player gains control of that permanent at the beginning of the next end step." I think it should be "chooses", but it's not. The second ability now reads "At the beginning of each player's end step, if that player didn't tap any nonland permanents this turn, Burning Cinder Fury of Crimson Chaos Fire deals 3 damage to that player."
Verdict: This works in black-border, so I see no problems with including it. The only weird thing about it is that it has a whacky card frame and has a weird name.
Cardboard Carapace || 5G || Enchant Creature || For each other Cardboard Carapace card you have with you, enchanted creature gets +1/+1. || Errata: This does not count any Cardboard Carapace cards in play that you control or in your graveyard, hand, or library.
Errata: This is now an "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant creature" has been moved to inside the text box. And rather than looking for an "other Cardboard Carapace card you have with you", it now looks for an "other card named Cardboard Carapace you have with you outside the game." The second line of text with the errata has been eliminated.
Verdict: Much like Blacker Lotus, this only works if we add a “no proxies allowed” rule. And I’m not too keen on doing that. Interestingly, this card mentions not to count cards in play or in the graveyard, hand, or library, but it fails to mention copies on the stack as well as copies in exile.
Censorship || U || Enchantment || When Censorship comes into play, choose a CENSORED word. Whenever any CENSORED player says the chosen CENSORED word, Censorship deals 2 CENSORED damage to him or her.
Errata: The "CENSORED" bits have been removed from the Oracle text. "When Censorship comes into play" is now "As Censorship enters the battlefield." "Whenever any player" is now "Whenever a player". Rather than doing 2 damage to "him or her", Censorship now deals 2 damage to "that player". I guess they felt the need to include non-binary players. Additionally, this text has now been split into two abilities. The choosing of the word is the first ability, and the damage is the second.
Verdict: Works for me. Though, much like Bronze Calendar, we’d have to restrict it only to #mtg and not all rooms. Just monitor that person’s text. Maybe add #mtgdiscussion as well.
Chaos Confetti || 4 || Artifact || {4}, {T}: Tear Chaos Confetti into pieces. Throw the pieces onto the playing area from a distance of at least five feet. Destroy each card in play that a piece touches. Remove the pieces from the game afterwards.
Errata: "The playing area" is now "the battlefield", a "card in play" is now a "permanent", and the word "afterwards" has been removed from the Oracle text.
Verdict: Won’t work. See Blacker Lotus. Additionally, the physical dexterity also makes online play a problem.
Charm School || 2W || Enchant Player || When Charm School comes into play, choose a color and balance Charm School on your head. || Prevent all damage to you of the chosen color. || If Charm School falls off your head, sacrifice Charm School.
Errata: "When Charm School comes into play" is now "As Charm School enters the battlefield". The "If" at the beginning of the third ability is now a "When".
Verdict: Won’t work. We could ask players to balance a card on their head in real life and be honest with us. After all, honesty is how we operate in regards to deck shuffles. But the issue is that plenty of people don’t use real cards, and may not have them available to balance.
Checks and Balances || 2U || Enchantment || Whenever any spell is played, counter that spell if each player, other than the caster and his or her teammates, agrees to choose and discard a card. Those players must discard those cards after agreeing. || Checks and Balances may only be played in a game with three or more players.
Errata: This card has gotten a complete re-write. The first ability now says "Cast Checks and Balances only if there are three or more players in the game." And the second ability says "Whenever a player casts a spell, each of that player's opponents may discard a card. If they do, counter that spell."
Verdict: This works. It is weird as hell, and nearly useless due to that last clause, and the fact that the majority of our games are two-player. But still, I don’t have a problem with allowing this. It’ll just be sitting in your hand forever, unable to be cast, unless it’s a threesome. And if it is, then the effect works just fine.
Chicken á la King || 1UU || Summon Chicken || 2/2 || Whenever a 6 is rolled on a six-sided die, put a +1/+1 counter on each Chicken in play. (You may roll dice only when a card instructs you to.) || Tap a Chicken you control: Roll a six-sided die.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The words "in play" have been removed from the first ability. The reminder text now says "You may roll dice only when instructed to." This presumably now includes dice that aren't rolled due to card effects, such as the planar die in Planechase. Lastly, the cost to activate the second ability now specifically says to tap an untapped Chicken. You can no longer tap an already-tapped Chicken.
Verdict: We can use Q to simulate dice rolls, so no issue there. The only weird part is that Chicken is not a creature type in black-border, so we’d have to make a call on what we want to count as a Chicken beyond the Unglued cards. Zodiac Rooster from Portal Three Kingdoms is the only questionable one. That should be a Chicken, yet by Oracle text, it is not. It is a Bird. I’d say we count it as a Chicken. Though if you run Zodiac Rooster in your deck, you are probably not winning this game.
Chicken Egg || 1R || Summon Egg || 0/1 || During your upkeep, roll a six-sided die. On a 6, sacrifice Chicken Egg and put a Giant Chicken token into play. Treat this token as a 4/4 red creature that counts as a Chicken.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", and the card's ability has gotten a complete re-write. It now reads "At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die. If you roll a 6, sacrifice Chicken Egg and create a 4/4 red Giant Chicken creature token."
Verdict: This works.
Clambassadors || 3U || Summon Clamfolk || 4/4 || If Clambassadors damages any player, choose an artifact, creature, or land you control. That player gains control of that artifact, creature, or land.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The trigger on the ability is now "Whenever Clambassadors deals damage to a player", and that player no longer gains control of that "artifact, creature, or land", but instead gains control of that "permanent".
Verdict: This works.
Clam-I-Am || 2U || Summon Clamfolk || 2/2 || Whenever you roll a 3 on a six-sided die, you may reroll that die.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", and "Whenever" is now "If".
Verdict: If we can get Krark’s Thumb to work, which is black-bordered, then I don’t see why this should be a problem.
Clam Session || 1UU || Summon Clamfolk || 2/5 || When Clam Session comes into play, choose a word. || During your upkeep, sing at least six words of a song, one of which must be the chosen word, or sacrifice Clam Session. You cannot repeat a song.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", "When Clam Session comes into play" is now "As Clam Session enters the battlefield", and the second ability got a complete re-write. It now reads "At the beginning of your upkeep, you may sing at least six words of a song, at least one of which is the chosen word. If you don't, sacrifice Clam Session. You can't repeat a song."
Verdict: Obviously we can’t embarrass people by forcing them to sing, but we can make them type it into the chat. For best results, btw, choose the word “love”. Also, I suggest we ban Google/Wikipedia while this card is in play. Don’t want people to cheat it. And you can enforce that with the honor system. Same way we enforce deck shuffles.
Clay Pigeon || 3 || Artifact Creature || 1/1 || Flying || {1}, Throw Clay Pigeon into the air at least two feat above your head while seated, Attempt to catch it with one hand: If you catch Clay Pigeon, prevent all damage to you from any one source and return Clay Pigeon to play, tapped. Otherwise, sacrifice it.
Errata: This has now gained the "Bird" creature type. "Attempt to catch it with one hand" is no longer part of the cost, so you are not required to try anymore, but the "If you catch Clay Pigeon" part now says "If you catch Clay Pigeon with one hand", so you still need to get it. Rather than preventing all damage "to you from any one source", it now prevents all damage "a source of your choice would deal to you this turn". The printed text says to "return Clay Pigeon to play, tapped", but Clay Pigeon never actually leaves play, so it now simply says to "tap Clay Pigeon".
Verdict: Won’t work online due to manual dexterity.
Common Courtesy || 2UU || Enchantment || Counter any spell unless its caster asks your permission to play that spell. If you refuse permission, Sacrifice Common Courtesy and counter that spell.
Errata: This card got a complete re-write. Its first ability now reads "Whenever a player casts a spell without asking your permission when casting it, counter that spell." Its second ability now reads "When a player asks you permission to cast a spell and you refuse, counter that spell and sacrifice Common Courtesy."
Verdict: This works for me. And it’s hilarious.
Deadhead || 3B || Summon Zombie || 3/3 || Put Deadhead into play. Use this ability only if any opponent loses contact with his or her hand of cards and only if Deadhead is in your graveyard.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The ability has been rewritten to now read "{0}: Return Deadhead from your graveyard to the battlefield. Activate this ability only if an opponent isn't touching his or her hand (of cards)." The reminder text specifying that they mean hand of cards is hilarious.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Denied! || U || Interrupt || Play Denied! only as any opponent casts target spell. Name a card, then look at all cards in that player’s hand. If the named card is in the player’s hand, counter target spell.
Errata: "Interrupt" is now "Instant". The effect has been re-written to "Choose a card name, then target spell's controller reveals his or her hand. If a card with the chosen name is revealed this way, counter that spell."
Verdict: This works, provided that we change Interrupt to Instant.
Double Cross || 3BB || Sorcery || Choose another player. Look at that player’s hand and choose one of those cards other than a basic land. He or she discards that card. At the beginning of the next game with the player, look at the player’s hand and choose one of those cards other than a basic land. He or she discards that card.
Errata: Rather than choosing "one of those cards other than a basic land", you now choose "a card other than a basic land from it". This applies to both instances of that text on that card. Additionally, "He or she" is now "That player". And rather than happening "At the beginning of the next game with that player", the delayed trigger now happens "At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player".
Verdict: It works, but I hate it. It’s just going to lead to your opponent saying “Okay, I’m never playing Magic with you again.”
Double Deal || 4R || Sorcery || Choose another player. Double Deal deals 3 damage to that player now and deals an additional 3 damage to the player at the beginning of the next game with the player.
Errata: This text got a complete re-write. It now reads "Choose another player. Double Deal deals 3 damage to that player. At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, Double Deal deals 3 damage to that player." Waiting for the upkeep is necessary as the ability would need to go on the stack, and it is impossible for things to go onto the stack until then.
Verdict: See above.
Double Dip || 4W || Instant || Choose another player. Gain 5 life now and an additional 5 life at the beginning of the next game with that player.
Errata: "Gain 5 life now" is now "You gain 5 life." The second part of the effect now says "At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, you gain 5 life."
Verdict: See above.
Double Play || 3GG || Sorcery || Choose another player. Search your library for a basic land and put that land into play. At the beginning of the next game with that player, search your library for an additional basic land and put that land into play. In both cases, shuffle your library afterwards.
Errata: This card got a complete re-write. It now reads "Choose another player. Search your library for a basic land card, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle your library. At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, search your library for a basic land card, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle your library."
Verdict: Once again, see above. This cycle sucks.
Double Take || 3UU || Instant || Choose another player. Draw two cards now and draw an additional two cards at the beginning of the next game with that player.
Errata: "Draw two cards now" is now "You draw two cards." The second part of the effect now says "At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, you draw two cards."
Verdict: Can I just take a moment to appreciate that the artist name is Claymore J. Flapdoodle? That’s amazing. Regarding an actual verdict, see above.
Elvish Impersonators || 3G || Summon Elves || */* || When you play Elvish Impersonators, roll two six-sided dice one after the other. Elvish Impersonators comes into play with power equal to the first die roll and toughness equal to the second.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", but interestingly, the creature type did not change, so it is still "Elves", rather than "Elf". The ability has been re-written to now read "As Elvish Impersonators enters the battlefield, roll a six-sided die twice. Its base power becomes the first result and its base toughness becomes the second result."
Verdict: Q is, in fact, capable of performing multiple dice rolls. Works for me.
Flock of Rabid Sheep || XGG || Sorcery || Flip X coins; an opponent calls heads or tails. For each flip you win, put a Rabid Sheep token into play. Treat these tokens as 2/2 green creatures that count as Sheep.
Errata: This card got a complete re-write, and it now reads "Flip X coins. For each flip you win, create a 2/2 green Sheep creature token named Rabid Sheep."
Verdict: I have no idea how the hell this is an Un-Card. It seems perfectly reasonable to me.
Fowl Play || 2U || Enchant Creature || Enchanted creature loses all abilities and is a 1/1 creature that counts as a Chicken.
Errata: This is now an "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant creature" is now in the text box. The ability now reads "Enchanted creature is a Chicken with base power and toughness 1/1 and loses all abilities."
Verdict: Lignify and Darksteel Mutation both do this same thing (albeit with a different creature type), so this works.
Free-for-All || 3U || Enchantment || When Free-for-All comes into play, set aside all creatures in play, face down. || During each player’s upkeep, that player chooses a creature card at random from those set aside in this way and puts that creature into play under his or her control. || If Free-for-All leaves play, put each creature still set aside this way into its owner’s graveyard.
Errata: "set aside" is now "exile". The second ability now reads "At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player chooses a card exiled with Free-for-All at random and puts it onto the battlefield." The third ability now reads "When Free-for-All leaves the battlefield, put all cards exiled with it into their owners' graveyards." I am also just now realizing that this will kill any creature tokens that are in play.
Verdict: If we treat “set aside” as “exile”, then this works in black-border. We just need to have Q randomize it for us. Yeah, we can’t really do it “face down”, but tbh I don’t see why that’s required with this card either. I mean, is it just to stop you from using double-faced cards with it? That seems odd, given that this card was printed more than a decade before double-faced cards ever existed.
Free-Range Chicken || 3G || Summon Chicken || 3/3 || {1}{G}: Roll two six-sided dice. If both die rolls are the same, Free-Range Chicken gets +X/+X until end of turn, where X is the number rolled on each die. Otherwise, if the total rolled is equal to any other total you have rolled this turn for Free-Range Chicken, sacrifice it. (For example, if you roll two 3s, Free-Range Chicken gets +3/+3. If you roll a total of 6 for Free-Range Chicken later in that turn, sacrifice it.)
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". Rather than looking for if both "die rolls" are the same, you are now looking for if both "results" are the same. X is now "that result", rather than "the number rolled on each die". The word "Otherwise" has been removed from the Oracle text. The word "in" has been removed from the reminder text.
Verdict: This works.
Gerrymandering || 2G || Sorcery || Remove all lands from play and shuffle them together. Randomly deal to each player one land card for each land he or she had before. Each player puts those lands into play under his or her control, untapped.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written to now say "Exile all lands. Give each player a number of those cards chosen at random equal to the number of those cards the player controlled. Each player returns those cards to the battlefield under that player's control."
Verdict: I never thought I’d be saying this sentence in my life ever, but: I believe that Gerrymandering is good.
Get a Life || W || Instant || Target player and each of his or her teammates exchange life totals.
Errata: "his or her" is now "that player's".
Verdict: This card is the worst card I’ve ever seen, from a power-level perspective. It does work technically, but the most commonly played team format is Two-Headed Giant, where teammates share a life total. Still, for other formats, such as Archenemy, this works.
Ghazbán Ogress || G || Summon Ogre || 2/2 || When Ghazbán Ogress comes into play, the player who has won the most Magic games that day gains control of it. If more than one player has won the same number of games, you retain control of Ghazbán Ogress.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", and the ability has been re-written as "When Ghazbán Ogress enters the battlefield, if one player has won more Magic games that day than any other player, that player gains control of Ghazbán Ogress."
Verdict: This won’t work because we don’t know how long a “day” is online, due to time zones being a thing. My day has only lasted 10 hours so far, but yours has lasted 17. Doesn’t seem fair. Plus, we rarely play more than one game a day anyways, assuming we only count games played on IRC.
Giant Fan || 4 || Artifact || {2}, {T}: Move target counter from one card to another. If the second card’s rules text refers to any type of counters, the moved counter becomes one of those counters. Otherwise, it becomes a +1/+1 counter.
Errata: You now remove "a" counter rather than "target" counter, and it moves "from one permanent onto another", rather than "from one card to another". The clause at the start of the second sentence now says "If the second permanent refers to any kind of counter," and the rest of the text remains unchanged.
Verdict: This works. One neat little trick is that the Comprehensive Rules state that planeswalker cards are treated as though their text box said “CARDNAME enters the battlefield with N loyalty counters on it”, so this would become loyalty counters with regards to planeswalkers.
Goblin Bookie || R || Summon Goblin || 1/1 || {R}, {T}: Reflip any coin or reroll any die.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", and reminder text has been added that says "(Activate this ability only any time it makes sense.)"
Verdict: They already made this card in black border. It’s called Krark’s Thumb.
Goblin Bowling Team || 3R || Summon Goblins || 1/1 || Whenever Goblin Bowling Team damages any creature or player, roll a six-sided die. Goblin Bowling Team deals to that creature or player additional damage equal to the die roll.
Errata: "Summon Goblins" is now "Creature -- Goblin". The ability has been re-written to now read "If Goblin Bowling Team would deal damage to a creature or player, it deals that much damage plus the result of a six-sided die roll to that creature or player instead."
Verdict: This is fine. The one questionable part is the creature type being “Goblins” instead of “Goblin”. I vote that we rule that it counts as a Goblin.
Goblin Tutor || R || Instant || Roll a six-sided die for Goblin Tutor. On a 1, Goblin Tutor has no effect. Otherwise, search your library for the indicated card, reveal that card to all players, and put it into your hand. Shuffle your library afterwards. || 2 -- Any Goblin Tutor || 3 -- Any enchantment || 4 -- Any artifact || 5 -- Any creature || 6 -- Any sorcery, instant, or interrupt
Errata: This card has been completely rewritten. The first part of it now says "Roll a six-sided die. If you roll a 1, Goblin Tutor has no effect. Otherwise, search your library for the indicated card, reveal it, and put it into your hand, then shuffle your library." The results for the other numbers now read "A card named Goblin Tutor", "An enchantment card", "An artifact card", "A creature card", and "An instant or sorcery card".
Verdict: I’m okay with this. Obviously you have to delete the words “or interrupt”, but that’s easily done.
Growth Spurt || 1G || Instant || Roll a six-sided die. Target creature gets +X/+X until end of turn, where X is equal to the die roll.
Errata: Rather than "X is equal to the die roll", now "X is the result".
Verdict: This works.
Gus || 2G || Summon Gus || 2/2 || Gus comes into play with one +1/+1 counter on it for each game you have lost to your opponent since you last won a Magic game against him or her.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". "Comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". "One +1/+1 counter" is now "a +1/+1 counter". "Each game" is now "each Magic game". "Your opponent" is now "one of your opponents". "Him or her" is now "that opponent".
Verdict: I like how it just says “game” for the first clause, but “Magic game” for the second. Do games of Uno count? Just kidding. I assume we will rule that it has to be Magic games. This would be a pain to keep track of, so although I think it would work online, I am going to have to request that we not.
Handcuffs || 3BB || Enchantment || Target player keeps both hands in contact with each other. If he or she does not, sacrifice Handcuffs and that player sacrifices three cards in play.
Errata: This card has now been completely rewritten to now have two abilities. Its first ability says "As Handcuffs enters the battlefield, choose a player." Its second ability says "When the chosen player's hands aren't touching each other, sacrifice Handcuffs and that player sacrifices three permanents."
Verdict: Won’t work.
Hungry Hungry Heifer || 2G || Summon Cow || 3/3 || During your upkeep, remove a counter from any card you control or sacrifice Hungry Hungry Heifer.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". "During your upkeep," is now "At the beginning of your upkeep, you may", "any card you control" is now "a permanent you control". And "or sacrifice" is now a separate sentence that says "If you don't, sacrifice".
Verdict: Moo. Also, this works.
Hurloon Wrangler || 2R || Summon Minotaur || 2/2 || Denimwalk (If defending player is wearing any clothing made of denim, this creature is unblockable.)
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The reminder text has been re-written to be "(This creature can't be blocked as long as defending player is wearing denim.)"
Verdict: There’s no way to confirm this, so it won’t work.
I’m Rubber, You’re Glue || WW || Enchantment || Speak only in rhyming sentences. If you do not, sacrifice I’m Rubber, You’re Glue. || Say “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Everything bounces off me and sticks to you”: Target spell or ability, which targets only you, targets another player of your choice instead. (The new target must be legal.)
Errata: This has been completely re-written. The first ability now reads "When you speak in non-rhyming sentences, sacrifice I'm Rubber, You're Glue." The second ability now reads "Say 'I'm rubber, you're glue. Everything bounces off me and sticks to you': Change the target of target spell or ability that targets only you."
Verdict: Again, we will have to rule that this is only applies to posts in #mtg, and possibly also in #mtgdiscussion, but man, not only do I think this could work, but I *really* want to use it. This seems like it would be fun.
Incoming! || 4GGGG || Sorcery || Each player searches his or her library for any number of artifacts, creatures, enchantments, and lands and puts those cards into play. Each player shuffles his or her library afterwards.
Errata: The sentence now says "Each player searches his or her library for any number of artifact, creature, enchantment, and/or land cards, puts them onto the battlefield, then shuffles his or her library.
Verdict: OH MY GOD. This just puts your entire deck into play. That is awesome. This is gonna trigger so many enters-the-battlefield effects and then get confusing judge calls, but it does work. Still, for the rules confusion, I vote no.
Infernal Spawn of Evil || 6BBB || Summon Demon Beast || 7/7 || Flying, first strike || {1}{B}, Reveal Infernal Spawn of Evil from your hand, Say “It’s coming!”: Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 1 damage to target opponent. Use this ability only during your upkeep and only once each upkeep.
Errata: "Summon Demon Beast" is now "Creature -- Beast". The "!" at the end of "It's coming!" has been removed. "Use this ability" is now "Activate this ability". And the final word written on the card was changed from "upkeep" to "turn". I guess this is no longer a good combo with Paradox Haze.
Verdict: This works, with the caveat that we have to rule that you keep this card revealed until the end of your upkeep. Otherwise, if you have two of them, there’s no way to know whether you’re revealing the same copy or a different one. We’d also have to make a ruling on its creature type. The physical card shows it as “Demon”, but then that’s crossed out with “Beast” written on it instead.
Jack-in-the-Mox || 0 || Artifact || {T}: Roll a six-sided die for Jack-in-the-Mox. On a 1, sacrifice Jack-in-the-Mox and lose 5 life. Otherwise, Jack-in-the-Mox has one of the following effects. Treat this ability as a mana source. || 2 -- Add {W} to your mana pool. || 3 -- Add {U} to your mana pool. || 4 -- Add {B} to your mana pool. || 5 -- Add {R} to your mana pool. || 6 -- Add {G} to your mana pool.
Errata: The first line now says "{T}: Roll a six-sided die. This ability has the indicated effect." Then there's an additional line added that says "1 -- Sacrifice Jack-in-the-Mox and you lose 5 life." The rest of the card still reads exactly the same.
Verdict: This is an interesting card. It generates a mana of any color for free, but it could color-screw you if you get the wrong color. And there’s a 1/6 chance of it blowing up in your face. Might be too overpowered, but the downside of rolling a 1 is pretty catastrophic. Regardless, this works.
Jalum Grifter || 3RR || Summon Legend || 3/5 || {1}{R}, {T}: Put Jalum Grifter and two lands you control face down in front of target opponent after revealing each card to him or her. Then, rearrange the order of the three cards as often as you wish, keeping them on the table at all times. That opponent then chooses one of those cards. If a land is chosen, destroy target card in play. Otherwise, sacrifice Jalum Grifter.
Errata: "Summon Legend" is now "Legendary Creature -- Devil". The ability has been rewritten to now say "{1}{R}, {T}: Shuffle Jalum Grifter and two lands you control face down. Target opponent chooses one of those cards. Turn the cards face up. If the opponent chose Jalum Grifter, sacrifice it. Otherwise, destroy target permanent." Interestingly, this functionally changes the card to be effectively random, meaning that I think this one now works online.
Verdict: While we could make this work by randomizing it instead, I don’t think that’s what the design of the card wants you to do. It wants you to play a “watch the cups” game. And there’s no way to simulate that online.
Jester’s Sombrero || 2 || Artifact || {2}, {T}, Sacrifice Jester’s Sombero: Look through target player’s sideboard and remove any three of those cards from it for the remainder of the match.
Errata: This has been re-written. The ability now says "{2}, {T}, Sacrifice Jester's Sombrero: Look at target player's sideboard, choose three cards from it, and remove those cards from the match."
Verdict: I mean, this works. The problem is that in 99.999999% of WyvernIRC games, players don’t have sideboards, so this is just gonna sit in play doing nothing. But if you want to put it in your deck, sure, why not? I guess it helps with Metalcraft and Affinity for artifacts.
Jumbo Imp || 2B || Summon Imp || 0/0 || Flying || When you play Jumbo Imp, roll a six-sided die. Jumbo Imp comes into play with a number of +1/+1 counters on it equal to the die roll. || During your upkeep, roll a six-sided die and put on Jumbo Imp a number of +1/+1 counters equal to the die roll. || At the end of your turn, roll a six-sided die and remove from Jumbo Imp a number of +1/+1 counters equal to the die roll.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The second ability (remember, the first ability is flying) now says "As Jumbo Imp enters the battlefield, roll a six-sided die. Jumbo Imp enters the battlefield with a number of +1/+1 counters on it equal to the result." The third ability says "At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die and put a number of +1/+1 counters on Jumbo Imp equal to the result." The final ability says "At the beginning of your end step, roll a six-sided die and remove a number of +1/+1 counters from Jumbo Imp equal to the result."
Verdict: This works. Playing with fire, though.
Knight of the Hokey Pokey || WW || Summon Knight || 2/2 || First strike || {1}{W}, Do the Hokey Pokey (Stand up, wiggle your butt, raise your hands above your head, and shake them wildly as you rotate 360 degrees): Prevent all damage to Knight of the Hokey Pokey from any one source.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The reminder text in the cost has been removed. The ability now says "Prevent all damage a source of your choice would deal to Knight of the Hokey Pokey this turn." Reminder text was also added after the ability to say "(To do the Hokey Pokey, put your right foot in. Put your right foot out. Put your right foot in. Shake it all about. Repeat this process for your left foot, right arm, left arm, and whole self.)" So I guess they updated it to be the actual hokey pokey. Well, okay, not really. You know the lyrics of the song? You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put right foot in, and you shake it all about, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about? Well, one of those steps says "you do the hokey pokey", which seems to imply a recursive loop. However, the card's printed reminder text is what this lyric is actually referring to. That's what the hokey pokey was originally. But nowadays, people just think of the song, so I guess they issued errata to match this. That's what it's all about.
Verdict: You look at the card, you read its rules text, you think about whether it should be legal or not, and then you shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you rule that this won’t work online. That’s what it’s all about!
Krazy Kow || 3R || Summon Cow || 3/3 || During your upkeep, roll a six-sided die. On a 1, sacrifice Krazy Kow and it deals 3 damage to each creature and player.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". "During your upkeep" is now "At the beginning of your upkeep". "On a 1" is now "If you roll a 1". And "each creature and player" is now "each creature and each player".
Verdict: Moo. Also, this works.
Landfill || 4R || Sorcery || Choose a land type. Remove from play all lands of that type that you control. Drop those cards, one at a time, onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot. Destroy each card in play that is completely covered by those cards. Then return to play, tapped, all lands dropped in this way.
Errata: The second sentence now says "Exile all lands you control of that type." A "card in play" is now a "permanent", and the words "that is" were removed. The final sentence has been re-written as "Then return the cards you dropped to the battlefield tapped."
Verdict: It won’t work.
Lexivore || 3W || Summon Beast || 2/3 || If Lexivore damages any player, destroy target card in play, other than Lexivore, with the most lines of text in its text box. (If more than one card has the most lines of text, you choose which of those cards to destroy.)
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". A "card in play" is now a "permanent". The commas surrounding the phrase "other than Lexivore" have been removed. The reminder text has changed to "(If two or more cards are tied, target any one of them.)"
Verdict: Well, technically, this works. However, there are several issues with it that we’d need to address, to the point where it may not be worth it. First of all, different cards have multiple printings. For example, Serra Angel’s printing in Alpha said “Does not tap when attacking.” Starting with Revised, it was changed to “Attacking does not cause Serra Angel to tap.” Then 7th Edition changed “does not” to “doesn’t”. Then Ninth Edition changed it to Vigilance. So we have to indicate which VERSION of the card we’re playing. Moreover, does reminder text count? Serra Angel had reminder text for flying in Eighth Edition, Ninth Edition, Magic 2015, Magic Origins, Welcome Deck 2016, and Welcome Deck 2017. Meanwhile, it had Vigilance reminder text in Ninth Edition, Tenth Edition, Magic 2010, Magic 2011, Magic 2012, Magic 2013, Magic 2014, Magic 2015, Magic Origins, Welcome Deck 2016, and Welcome Deck 2017. And while we’re on the topic, does flavor text count? Serra Angel has had five different flavor texts over the course of its 29 printings, and I’m sure that it’s not even the most egregious offender. As a follow-up question, how do we deal with line breaks, exactly? Akroma, Angel of Wrath has several abilities, but they’re all listed together with a bunch of commas. Would it have been any different if each was given its own line? I recommend we count characters instead of lines, and we use the Oracle text to do so, that way JaceBot can help. And we can just use an online character counting tool to do this. However, then we have to remember to remove the pipeline characters that JaceBot uses to denote line breaks. This still leaves the issue of whether or not reminder text counts. We can remove it if we rule it doesn’t, but man, this card is causing a lot of trouble. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that we shouldn’t allow it.
Look at Me, I’m the DCI || 5WW || Sorcery || Ban one card, other than a basic land, for the remainder of the match. (For the remainder of the match, each player removes from the game all copies of that card in play or in any graveyard, hand, library, or sideboard.)
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now reads "Ban a card other than a basic land card for the rest of the match. (All cards with that name in any zone or sideboard are removed from the match.)"
Verdict: That’s fine, but I’d like to issue some sort of ruling on what happens if you target a commander with this in EDH. I’m okay with saying that you can’t do it, or allowing the owner of the commander to put it back in the command zone instead of this. But for non-EDH games, as well as targeting the player’s 99 cards in EDH, this is fine.
Mesa Chicken || WW || Summon Chicken || 2/2 || Stand up, flap your arms, Cluck like a chicken: Mesa Chicken gains flying until end of turn.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature".
Verdict: Um, judge? What makes a cluck sufficiently chicken-like? Yeah, this won’t work. Luckily, it doesn’t need to, because you can just run Leonin Skyhunter or Kor Aeronaut instead.
Mine, Mine, Mine! || 4GG || Enchantment || When Mine, Mine, Mine! comes into play, each player puts his or her library into his or her hand. || Each player skips his or her discard phase and does not lose as a result of being unable to draw a card. || Each player cannot play more than one spell each turn. || If Mine, Mine, Mine! leaves play, each player shuffles his or her hand and graveyard into his or her library.
Errata: The first ability has "comes into play" changed to "enters the battlefield". The second ability has been completely re-written to read "Players have no maximum hand size and don't lose the game for drawing from an empty library." The third ability has "cannot play" changed to "can't cast". The fourth ability has "play" changed to "the battlefield".
Verdict: Oh god no. I mean, technically this works, but it makes the game so confusing that I’d honestly stop playing as soon as this hits the board. I wouldn’t know what to do with so many options. By the way, fun fact about the way this card is worded: If you destroy it, then the last ability will trigger, causing players to have to shuffle everything back into their non-existent libraries. While that trigger is on the stack, you could cast a draw spell, target your opponent with it, and have them lose the game. Just saying.
Mirror Mirror || 7 || Artifact || Mirror Mirror comes into play tapped. || {7}, {T}, Sacrifice Mirror Mirror: At end of turn, exchange life totals with target player and exchange all cards in play that you control, and all cards in your hand, library, and graveyard, with that player until end of game.
Errata: In the first ability, "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The second ability has been completely re-written to now read "{7}, {T}, Sacrifice Mirror Mirror: Choose target player. At the beginning of the next end step, exchange life totals with that player, exchange control of all permanents you and that player control, and exchange cards in your hands, cards in your libraries, and cards in your graveyards."
Verdict: Won’t work. Yeah, you could get it to work, if you treat this as a permanent Mindslaver that both sides get (except that you are still trying to win rather than lose, because you are still you, not your opponent). However, as I have discovered when I played an Emrakul, the Promised End, it is a total bitch to get Mindslaver effects to work online. So I’d rather just not.
Miss Demeanor || 3W || Summon Lady of Proper Etiquette || 3/1 || Flying, first strike || During each other player’s turn, compliment that player on his or her game play or sacrifice Miss Demeanor.
Errata: The final ability has now been re-written to now read "At the beginning of each other player's upkeep, you may compliment that player on his or her game play. If you don't, sacrifice Miss Demeanor."
Verdict: This works. Also, have I mentioned that you look really nice today?
Once More With Feeling || WWWW || Sorcery || Remove Once More With Feeling from the game as well as all cards in play and in all graveyards. Each player shuffles his or her hand into his or her library, then draws seven cards. Each player’s life total is set to 10. || DCI Ruling: This card is restricted. (You cannot play with more than one in a deck.)
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. Its first ability now reads "Exile all permanents and all cards from all graveyards. Each player shuffles his or her hand into his or her library, then draws seven cards. Each player's life total becomes 10. Exile Once More with Feeling." Its second ability now reads "DCI ruling -- A deck can have only one card named Once More with Feeling."
Verdict: This works. It’s like a cross between Karn Liberated’s ultimate, and Reno Jackson’s battlecry from Hearthstone.
Organ Harvest || B || Sorcery || You and your teammates may sacrifice any number of creatures. For each creature sacrificed this way, add {B}{B} to your mana pool.
Errata: "You and your teammates" is now "Your team" and the word "you" has been added after the comma.
Verdict: This works.
Ow || B || Enchantment || Whenever any creature damages a player, for each Ow card in play, that player says “Ow” once or Ow deals 1 damage to him or her.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written to now read "Whenever a creature deals damage to a player, that player may say 'Ow' once for each permanent named Ow. If the player doesn't, Ow deals 1 damage to him or her.
Verdict: I’m okay with it. Note though, that the way this is worded, the effect accumulates, because each Ow card would trigger causing you to do it multiple times. For example, if there are two Ow cards in play, you’d have to say “Ow” four times. Twice for the first Ow and twice for the second Ow. If there were three, you’d have to say “Ow” nine times. And if there were four, sixteen times. And if they somehow found a way to make an infinite number of token copies of Ow, or even just a few million, then you’d be saying “Ow” endlessly until the ops kick you for spamming the channel. At that point, it would probably be better to just take the damage instead of saying “Ow”.
Paper Tiger || 4 || Artifact Creature || 4/3 || Rock Lobsters cannot attack or block.
Errata: This card now has the "Cat" creature type. The ability now says "Creatures named Rock Lobster can't attack or block."
Verdict: This works. We would have to change it to say “Cards named Rock Lobster”, but that’s easily done.
Poultrygeist || 2B || Summon Chicken || 1/1 || Flying || Whenever a creature is put into any graveyard from play, you may roll a six-sided die. On a 1, sacrifice Poultrygeist. Otherwise, put a +1/+1 counter on Poultrygeist.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", "is put into any graveyard from play" is now "dies", and "On a 1" is now "If you roll a 1".
Verdict: This works.
Prismatic Wardrobe || W || Sorcery || Destroy target card that does not share a color with clothing worn by its controller. You cannot choose an artifact or land card.
Errata: This card has now been completely re-written to now say "Destroy target nonartifact, nonland permanent that doesn't share a color with clothing worn by its controller."
Verdict: Won’t work, because we can’t see what you’re wearing.
Psychic Network || U || Enchantment || Each player reveals the top card of his or her library to all players by continuously holding it against his or her forehead. This does not allow a player to look at his or her own card. (That card still counts as the top card of your library. Whenever you draw a card, draw that one and replace it with the next card of your library.)
Errata: This card has now been completely re-written to now say "Each player plays with the top card of his or her library held against his or her forehead, revealed to each other player." There is no longer any reminder text.
Verdict: Not only won’t this work, but it REALLY won’t work. Like, this goes against the very idea of online play with TCGs.
Ricochet || R || Enchantment || Whenever any spell targets a single player, each player rolls a six-sided die. That spell is redirected to the player or players with the lowest die roll. If two or more players tie for the lowest die roll, they reroll until there is no tie.
Errata: This card has been re-written. It now reads "Whenever a player casts a spell that targets a single player, each player rolls a six-sided die. Change the target of that spell to the player with the lowest result. Reroll to break ties, if necessary."
Verdict: Works for me.
Rock Lobster || 4 || Artifact Creature || 4/3 || Scissors Lizards cannot attack or block.
Errata: This card has gained the creature type "Lobster", which isn't a real creature type in black-bordered Magic. Its ability now reads "Creatures named Scissors Lizard can't attack or block."
Verdict: See Paper Tiger.
Scissors Lizard || 4 || Artifact Creature || 4/3 || Paper Tigers cannot attack or block.
Errata: This card has gained the "Lizard" creature type and the ability now reads "Creatures named Paper Tiger can't attack or block."
Verdict: See Paper Tiger.
Sex Appeal || W || Instant || Prevent up to 3 damage total to any number of creatures and/or players. If there are more players in the room of the opposite sex, prevent up to 3 additional damage total to any number of creatures and/or players.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written to now read "Prevent the next 3 damage that would be dealt this turn to a number of target creatures and/or players, divided as you choose. If there are more people in the room of a different gender than you are as you cast this spell, prevent the next 6 damage this way instead." So I guess it now is playable by people who are non-binary.
Verdict: While this probably worked fine in 1998 when the card was printed, we now have to deal with a new aspect of sex that wasn’t really well-known before: gender identity. When I play this card, am I allowed to spontaneously declare that I now identify as female, just to get the extra damage prevention? And then change back immediately after it resolves. Seems like cheating, so I vote that we rule you can’t do that. But if that’s the case, then how do we handle people who are actually trans? Like, do we rule that you have to go by whatever genitalia you have? If so, that’s monstrously offensive to anyone who is transgender. Not to mention that, being online, we have no way of knowing whether you are being truthful or not. Unless you make people post pictures of their genitals. Which... no. For one thing, it would be impossible to confirm that this isn’t someone else in the photo. I mean, yes, there are reverse image searches, but you could still take a picture of someone else. A picture that isn’t out on the Internet until you put it there. I mean, this is just a whole can of worms that I don’t want to get into. Not only do I vote no on allowing this card, but I honestly don’t even think that this card works offline either. Like, how would you handle the transgender community? This just won’t work.
Sorry || UU || Enchantment || Before playing any spell, if a copy of that spell card is in any graveyard, the spell’s caster may say “Sorry.” If he or she does not, any other player may counter the spell by saying “Sorry” as it is cast. || If any player says “Sorry” at any other time, Sorry deals 2 damage to that player.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. Its first ability now says "Before any player casts a spell with the same name as a card in any graveyard, that player may say 'sorry.' If the player doesn't, any other player may say 'sorry' as the spell is cast. When another player says 'sorry' this way, counter the spell." The second ability now reads "Whenever a player says 'sorry' at any other time, Sorry deals 2 damage to that player."
Verdict: This works. Sorry.
Spark Fiend || 4R || Summon Beast || 5/6 || When Spark Fiend comes into play, roll two six-sided dice. On a total of 2, 3, or 12, sacrifice Spark Fiend. On a total of 7 or 11, do not roll dice for Spark Fiend during any of your following upkeep phases. If you roll any other total, note it. || During your upkeep, roll two six-sided dice. On a total of 7, sacrifice Spark Fiend. If you roll the noted total, do not roll dice for Spark Fiend during any of your following upkeep phases. On any other roll, there is no effect.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". Additionally, this creature's abilities have been completely re-written. The first ability now reads "When Spark Fiend enters the battlefield, roll two six-sided dice. If you rolled 2, 3, or 12, sacrifice Spark Fiend. If you rolled 7 or 11, don't roll dice for Spark Fiend during any of your following upkeeps. If you rolled any other total, note the total." The second ability now reads "At the beginning of your upkeep, roll two six-sided dice. If you rolled 7, sacrifice Spark Fiend. If you roll the noted total, don't roll dice for Spark Fiend during any of your following upkeeps. Otherwise, do nothing."
Verdict: This card is weird. But it works.
Spatula of the Ages || 4 || Artifact || {4}, {T}, Sacrifice Spatula of the Ages: Put into play from your hand any card from an Unglued supplement.
Errata: This card's effect is now "You may put a silver-bordered permanent card from your hand onto the battlefield."
Verdict: Well, black border cards do care about what cards were originally printed in certain expansions (see the cards City in a Bottle, Golgothian Sylex, and Apocalypse Chime). So we could do the same here: let you cheat in an Unglued card. But the question is: Does this work for basic lands, which are printed in Unglued? And if so, is it just their Unglued printings, or all of them? I could rule either way here, but we’d have to make a decision there. But once we do, this card works fine.
Squirrel Farm || 2G || Enchantment || {1}{G}: Choose a card in your hand. Covering the artist’s name, reveal the card to target player. If that player cannot name the artist, reveal the artist’s name and put a Squirrel token into play. Treat this token as a 1/1 green creature.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "{1}{G}: Reveal a card in your hand, covering the artist credit. Target opponent guesses the artist. If that player guesses wrong, create a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token."
Verdict: This card would be ungodly good against me because I never look at the artists. That said, I don’t think it works online. First up, you now have to specify which printing of each card you’re using, as the same card could have multiple pieces of artwork, each done by a different person. This applies to all “artist matters” cards in the future too. But I think that’s easily done. Regardless, for Squirrel Farm specifically, I don’t think it works, because you have to deal with the opponent’s artists instead of your own. I think that if you wanted to force it to work, we probably could work something out. Pull out an image of the printing of the card that you are using, screencap it, crop out the artist’s name (or censor it with photoshop). But that’s way too much effort for such a simple effect. Also, by the way, we would have to rule that “target player” should say “target opponent”. Otherwise you just target yourself and intentionally screw it up. I mean, having said that, even if that were allowed, I mean... 2 mana for a 1/1 token isn’t exactly a good play.
Strategy, Schmategy || 1R || Sorcery || Roll a six-sided die for Strategy, Schmategy. On a 1, Strategy, Schmategy has no effect. Otherwise, it has one of the following effects. || 2 -- Destroy all artifacts. || 3 -- Destroy all lands. || 4 -- Strategy, Schmategy deals 3 damage to each creature and player. || 5 -- Each player discards his or her hand and draws seven cards. || 6 -- Roll the die two more times.
Errata: The first line has been re-written to now say "Roll a six-sided die. Strategy, Schmategy has the indicated effect." An additional line has been added after that which says "1 -- Do nothing." In the line labeled "4", "each creature and player" has been re-written to be "each creature and each player". And the final line has been completely re-written to now say "6 -- Repeat this process two more times."
Verdict: Yes, it works. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T ROLL A THREE.
Team Spirit || 2G || Instant || All creatures controlled by target player and his or her teammates get +1/+1 until end of turn.
Errata: "All creatures controlled by target player and his or her teammates" is now "Creatures target player's team controls".
Verdict: This works.
Temp of the Damned || 2B || Summon Zombie || 3/3 || When you play Temp of the Damned, roll a six-sided die. Temp of the Damned comes into play with a number of funk counters on it equal to the die roll. || During your upkeep, remove a funk counter from Temp of the Damned or sacrifice Temp of the Damned.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". "When you play Temp of the Damned" is now "As Temp of the Damned enters the battlefield". "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". "the die roll" is now "the result". "During your upkeep" is now "At the beginning of your upkeep". "or" has been replaced with a period followed by the phrase "If you can't,".
Verdict: This works.
The Cheese Stands Alone || 4WW || Enchantment || If you control no cards in play other than The Cheese Stands Alone and have no cards in your hand, you win the game.
"If" is now "When" and "cards in play" is now "permanents".
Verdict: Not only does this work, but it has been functionally reprinted in black-border in the form of Barren Glory. The only difference is that Barren Glory waits until your upkeep to trigger.
The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast® Customer Service || XYZRR || Sorcery || The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast® Customer Service deals X damage to each of Y target creatures and Z target players.
Errata: This one doesn't have any errata! Yay!
Verdict: Despite being overly confusing, this is just a Comet Storm that costs one extra mana. It works.
Timmy, Power Gamer || 2GG || Summon Legend || 1/1 || {4}: Put a creature into play from your hand.
Errata: "Summon Legend" is now "Legendary Creature -- Human Gamer". The effect now says "You may put a creature card from your graveyard onto the battlefield."
Verdict: That works. Maybe a little overpowered, but I’m not sure on that one. It is a 1/1, so it dies to literally everything.
Urza’s Contact Lenses || 0 || Artifact || Urza’s Contact Lenses comes into play tapped and does not untap during its controller’s untap phase. || All players play with their hands face up. || Clap your hands twice: Tap or untap Urza’s Contact Lenses.
Errata: The first ability now reads "Urza's Contact Lenses enters the battlefield tapped." The second ability now reads "Urza's Contact Lenses doesn't untap during your untap step." The third ability now reads "As long as Urza's Contact Lenses is untapped, all players play with their hands revealed." The fourth ability now reads "Clap your hands twice: You may tap or untap Urza's Contact Lenses."
Verdict: This works if we use /me commands to clap twice. However, it doesn’t work within Magic’s rules. At least, not as intended. Back in the day, artifact effects turned off while tapped, which is how you’d use this card, but since that’s no longer the case, this card design’s original intent is lost. Still, it works as a two-way “show me your hand” card. Or we could add a “doesn’t work while tapped” clause, as has been done to a few other cards from that era (Howling Mine, Static Orb, Winter Orb).
Urza’s Science Fair Project || 6 || Artifact Creature || 4/4 || {2}: Roll a six-sided die for Urza’s Science Fair Project. || 1 -- It gets -2/-2 until end of turn. || 2 -- It deals no combat damage this turn. || 3 -- Attacking does not cause it to tap this turn. || 4 -- It gains first strike until end of turn. || 5 -- It gains flying until end of turn. || 6 -- It gets +2/+2 until end of turn.
Errata: This card has gained the creature type "Construct". The first ability has been re-written to now say "{2}: Roll a six-sided die. Urza's Science Fair Project gets the indicated result."
Verdict: This works.
Volrath’s Motion Sensor || B || Enchant Player || When Volrath’s Motion Sensor comes into play, choose target hand controlled by an opponent. Enchanted player balances Volrath’s Motion Sensor on the back of that hand. || If Volrath’s Motion Sensor falls off the hand, sacrifice Volrath’s Motion Sensor and that player loses 3 life.
Errata: This card's type is now "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant player" is now inside the text box. The next ability now reads "As Volrath's Motion Sensor enters the battlefield, choose one of enchanted player's hands. That player balances Volrath's Motion Sensor on the back of that hand." The final ability now reads "When Volrath's Motion Sensor falls off the chosen hand, sacrifice Volrath's Motion Sensor and enchanted player loses 3 life."
Verdict: Won’t work. Even if we make people proxy this effect by letting them balance any Magic card on their hand, the effect falls apart because we have to use our hands to type on the keyboard, and not just use our vocal chords to speak. So it won’t work. Not to mention that some people may not own any real Magic cards and are just proxying.
All right, well, that’s Unglued done. Time for Unhinged!
_____ || 1U || Creature -- Shapeshifter || 1/1 || {1}: This card’s name becomes the name of your choice. Play this ability anywhere, anytime.
Errata: This card's name now becomes the "card name" of your choice, rather than the "name" of your choice.
Verdict: It works. Notably, this card also has flavor text that allows you to change its flavor text by paying {1}, but that ability can’t be used because it is flavor text and not rules text. However, the reminder text that points this out is also flavor text, so the reminder text wouldn’t work, thereby making the rules text work, since the reminder text says that the rules text doesn’t work. As if that weren’t bad enough, the reminder text also has reminder text of its own that says that it doesn’t work. Basically, we have no clue whether it works or not. If we can come up with a ruling on whether or not you can change its flavor text, great. But regardless of whether you can or not, this works.
“Ach! Hans, Run!” || 2RRGG || Enchantment || At the beginning of your upkeep, you may say “Ach! Hans, run! It’s the ...” and name a creature card. If you do, search your library for the named card, put it into play, then shuffle your library. That creature has haste. Remove it from the game at end of turn.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "At the beginning of your upkeep, you may say 'Ach Hans, run It's the . . .' and the name of a creature card. If you do, search your library for a card with that name, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle your library. That creature gains haste. Exile it at the beginning of the next end step."
Verdict: Ach! Hans, run! It’s a card that works!
Aesthetic Consultation || B || Instant || Name an artist. Remove the top six cards of your library from the game, then reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal a card by the named artist. Put that card into your hand, then remove all other cards revealed this way from the game.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "Choose an artist. Exile the top six cards of your library, then reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal a card with art by the chosen artist. Put that card in your hand and exile all other cards revealed this way."
Verdict: This technically works. However, we have to rule what to do if you are proxying, and your proxy is literally just a piece of paper with the name of a card on it. I’d rule that it just counts as having no artist, so you couldn’t name it.
Ambiguity || 2UU || Enchantment || Whenever a player plays a spell that counters a spell that has been played or a player plays a spell that comes into play with counters, that player may counter the next spell played or put an additional counter on a permanent that has already been played, but not countered.
Errata: Despite the fact that spells are now "cast" rather than "played", this card did not receive any errata. Also, fun fact about this card: look at its artwork upside-down and you'll see something really cool.
Verdict: I see nothing wrong with this. It works.
Artful Looter || 2U || Creature -- Human Wizard || 1/2 || {T}: Draw a card, then discard a card. || Whenever a permanent comes into play that shares an artist with another permanent you control, untap Artful Looter.
Errata: The trigger is now "Whenever a permanent that shares an artist with another permanent you control enters the battlefield".
Verdict: This works.
Assquatch || 4R || Creature -- Donkey Lord || 3½/3½ || Each other Donkey gets +1½/+1½. || Whenever another Donkey comes into play, untap target creature and gain control of it until end of turn. That creature gains haste until end of turn.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: The math is confusing, because you’re not used to working with fractions, but other than that, it’s fine. We would have to reprogram JaceBot to accept non-integer life totals though.
Ass Whuppin’ || 1WB || Sorcery || Destroy target silver-bordered permanent in any game you can see from your seat.
Errata: No errata here. This one was unchanged.
Promo: This card was Unhinged's prerelease promo.
Verdict: This is pretty useless. I mean, it works as a Vindicate that only targets silver-bordered stuff. But beyond that, we rarely, if ever, play multiple games at once. I suppose if there is a game happening in #mtg, then we can use #mtgdiscussion or #m52 for a second game. But realistically, I don’t see that happening very often. Still, from a rules perspective, this works.
Atinlay Igpay || 5W || Eaturecray -- Igpay || 3/3 || Oubleday ikestray || Eneverwhay Atinlay Igpay’s ontrollercay eaksspay ay onnay-Igpay-Atinlay ordway, sacrificesay Atinlay Igpay.
Erratay: "Atinlay Igpay's ontrollercay" isay ownay implysay eferredray otay asay "ouyay". Alsoyay, ethay asephray "onnay-Igpay-Atinlay" isay ownay ittenwray onlyay ithway owercaselay etterslay.
Erdictvay: Ymay irstfay oughtsthay ouldway ebay atthay isthay orksway. Avinghay aidsay atthay, eway ouldway eednay otay ecideday owhay arfay eway ouldway ebay illingway otay ogay otay enforceyay ethay eakingspay estrictionsray. Akingmay emthay oday isthay orfay ethay ompletecay etworknay ouldway ebay ootay ifficultday. Obablypray ustjay ethay Agicmay elatedray oomsray ouldway ebay oodgay oughthay.
Avatar of Me || 2UU || Creature -- Avatar || */* || Avatar of Me costs {1} more to play for each ten years you’ve been alive. || Avatar of Me’s power is equal to your height in feet and its toughness is equal to your American shoe size. Round to the nearest ½. || Avatar of Me’s color is the color of your eyes.
Errata: It now costs {1} more to "cast", not to "play". Additionally, the last ability has been re-written to now say "Avatar of Me is the color of your eyes."
Verdict: This conditionally works. The condition being that people have to tell the truth. Oh, hi, I was born yesterday and am ten thousand feet tall. Yeah... people will do stupid stuff. Best not risk it.
AWOL || 2W || Instant || Remove target attacking creature from the game. Then remove it from the removed-from-game zone and put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone.
Errata: This card has been re-written to now say "Exile target attacking creature. Then remove it from the game. Then put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone."
Verdict: This works, provided that we accept the implementation of a new zone.
Bad Ass || 2BB || Creature -- Donkey Zombie || 3½/1 || {1}{B}, Growl: Regenerate Bad Ass.
Errata: None
Verdict: Grrr... this works. We can either type out our growls or use /me.
B-I-N-G-O || 1G || Creature -- Hound || 1/1 || Trample || Whenever a player plays a spell, put a chip counter on its converted mana cost. || B-I-N-G-O gets +9/+9 for each set of three numbers in a row with chip counters on them.
Errata: A player now "casts" a spell instead of "plays" a spell.
Verdict: This card is dependent on its artwork. The numbers on the art are, in order from top to bottom left to right (i.e. the order you would read them if it was plain text): 1 4 7 8 5 3 2 0 6. JaceBot doesn’t show this, which is problematic. Yeah, we could manually add it in, but then we’d have to do that each time the bot updates. It would get annoying very quickly. We could also make people look up an image of it. That would work, but it’s an extra step to do. Rules-wise, this works online, but it’s a pain to keep track of. I guess it’s no worse than any permanent that can receive multiple types of counters. Hi, Frankenstein’s Monster! I see you!
Blast from the Past || 2R || Instant || Madness {R}, cycling {1}{R}, kicker {2}{R}, flashback {3}{R}, buyback {4}{R} || Blast from the Past deals 2 damage to target creature or player. || If the kicker cost was paid, put a 1/1 red Goblin creature token into play.
Errata: The last sentence now reads "If Blast from the Past was kicked, create a 1/1 red Goblin creature token." It also has been moved to be combined with the previous line into one ability.
Verdict: This does work. It can be confusing if you cast it for its flashback cost, but you pay the buyback cost as well. This is because the card tries to exile itself and return to your hand. Luckily, in such an event, Rule 616 would kick in and allow you to choose which location to put the card.
Bloodletter || 2B || Creature -- Zombie || 2/3 || When the names of three or more nonland permanents begin with the same letter, sacrifice Bloodletter. If you do, it deals 2 damage to each creature and each player.
Errata: None
Verdict: It works, provided that we only use English names, even if foreign cards are used. Fun fact, by the way. After the release of Kaladesh, they changed all cards with Æ to Ae. So that’s a thing that you can do.
Booster Tutor || B || Instant || Open a sealed Magic booster pack, reveal the cards, and put one of those cards into your hand. (Remove that card from your deck before beginning a new game.)
Errata: None
Promo: This card was an Arena League promo.
Verdict: Okay, here’s my problem with this. Are simulated packs allowed? Given that we allow proxies, that would make sense, but if that’s the case, then I would just always choose to use a pack of Beta or Unlimited. That lets you get Power Nine, dual lands, Time Vault, Sol Ring, Balance, and a whole slew of other broken cards. Channel, Demonic Tutor, Fastbond, Mana Vault, Mind Twist, Wheel of Fortune... the list goes on. Now, in real life, the trade-off for this is the ludicrous expensiveness of a pack of Beta/Unlimited. A single pack of Unlimited will cost you about nine hundred dollars. With that balance factor removed, though, this becomes problematic. Now, let’s assume that we do disallow simulations. You must open a physical pack. Then this card just becomes unfair. Some people live near card shops that sell packs dating all the way back to the game’s early days. Some only sell stuff that is Standard-legal. And some don’t live near a card shop at all and are unable to acquire cards in this way. I vote we just don’t allow this card. Which is a shame, cause it sounds fun to use.
Bosom Buddy || 3W || Creature -- Elephant Townsfolk || 1/4 || Whenever you play a spell, you may gain ½ life for each word in that spell’s name.
Errata: You now "cast" spells instead of "play" spells.
Verdict: This works.
Brushstroke Paintermage || 3U || Creature -- Human Wizard || 2/3 || {T}: Target permanent’s artist becomes the artist of your choice until end of turn.
Errata: None
Verdict: Um... sure, why not?
Bursting Beebles || 2U || Creature -- Beeble || 2/2 || Bursting Beebles is unblockable as long as defending player controls two or more nonland permanents that share an artist.
Errata: "Bursting Beebles is unblockable" was changed to "Bursting Beebles can't be blocked".
Verdict: It would be difficult to work out, cause you’d have to ask your opponent what art they are using. I recommend not allowing it.
Cardpecker || 1W || Creature -- Bird || 1½/1 || Flying || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent touches the table with his or her hand, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Cardpecker from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The first sentence now begins with "If" instead of "Whenever" and the second begins with "When" instead of "If". Additionally, the "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed.
Verdict: Doesn’t work. We don’t know when you touched the table.
Carnivorous Death-Parrot || 1U || Creature -- Bird || 2/2 || Flying || At the beginning of your upkeep, sacrifice Carnivorous Death-Parrot unless you say its flavor text.
Verdict: Works for me.
Cheap Ass || 1W || Creature -- Donkey Townsfolk || 1/3½ || Spells you play cost {½} less to play.
Errata: Both instances of "play" were changed to "cast".
Verdict: Um... sure.
Cheatyface || UUU || Creature -- Efreet || 2/2 || You may sneak Cheatyface into play at any time without paying for it, but if an opponent catches you right away, that player may remove Cheatyface from the game. || Flying
Errata: The first ability has been completely re-written to now say "If Cheatyface is in your hand, you may sneak Cheatyface onto the battlefield. If an opponent catches you right away, that player may exile Cheatyface."
Verdict: It would be too easy to cheat with this card, by cheating it in without letting the opponent have an opportunity to catch you. Having said that, if we ban it, people can still play it anyways, and justify the cheating as being in the spirit of this card. So, we’re kinda forced to allow it.
Circle of Protection: Art || 1W || Enchantment || As Circle of Protection: Art comes into play, choose an artist. || {1}{W}: The next time a source of your choice by the chosen artist would deal damage to you this turn, prevent that damage. || {1}{W}: Return Circle of Protection: Art to its owner’s hand.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The phrase "with art" has been added before "by the chosen artist".
Promo: This card was an Arena League promo.
Verdict: This works.
City of Ass || Land || City of Ass comes into play tapped. || {T}: Add one and one-half mana of any one color to your mana pool.
Errata: None
Verdict: This was a lot cooler back when mana burn still existed, cause it forces you to take damage. Now, though, I guess this is just a rainbow-colored tapland. It still works. Although if you get two of them out, then you’re making three mana.
Collector Protector || 3WW || Creature -- Human Gamer || 2/5 || {W}, Give an opponent a nonland card you own from outside the game: Prevent the next 1 damage that would be dealt to you or Collector Protector this turn.
Errata: None
Verdict: Won’t work.
Creature Guy || 3G || Creature -- Beast || 3/3 || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says “Creature” or “Guy,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Creature Guy from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The words that an opponent has to say ("creature" and "guy") are now lowercase. The "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed. The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If".
Verdict: This guy works.
Curse of the Fire Penguin || 4RR || Enchant Creature || Curse of the Fire Penguin consumes and confuses enchanted creature. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ Creature -- Penguin || 6/5 || Trample || When this creature is put into a graveyard from play, return Curse of the Fire Penguin from your graveyard to play.
Errata: The card type of the first section of this card is now "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant creature" has been moved to be in the text box. The second ability of the second section of this card has been re-written to now say "When this creature dies, return Curse of the Fire Penguin to the battlefield."
Verdict: This is confusing, but I think it works. It essentially just treats the creature as a double-faced card and transforms it into this thing. Then it repeats the process with a new creature.
Deal Damage || 2RR || Instant || Deal Damage deals 4 damage to target creature or player. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says “Deal” or “Damage,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Deal Damage from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The words that an opponent has to say ("deal" and "damage") are now lowercase. The "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed. The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If".
Verdict: I can deal with this being allowed.
Double Header || 3UU || Creature -- Drake || 2/3 || Flying || When Double Header comes into play, you may return target permanent with a two-word name to its owner’s hand.
Errata: This now triggers when it "enters the battlefield" instead of when it "comes into play".
Verdict: It’s an odd quality to care about, but it works. Also, I love this card’s flavor text.
Drawn Together || 2WW || Enchantment || As Drawn Together comes into play, choose an artist. || Creatures by the chosen artist get +2/+2.
Errata: This now affects "Creatures with art by the chosen artist".
Verdict: This is good.
Duh || B || Instant || Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)
Errata: None
Verdict: We have to judge whether this applies to Oracle text or printed text, and if it’s the printed text, keep track of which printing we are using. But other than that, there’s no issues.
Dumb Ass || 2R || Creature -- Donkey Barbarian || 3½/2 || At the beginning of your upkeep, flip a coin. If you lose the flip, target opponent chooses whether Dumb Ass attacks this turn.
Errata: None, although now that I think about it, how does this card work if you lose a flip when all of your opponents have hexproof?
Verdict: That’s fine. Again, for fraction cards, we need to have JaceBot handle non-integers, but I can’t imagine that this would be hard.
Elvish House Party || 4GG || Creature -- Elf Rogue || */* || Elvish House Party’s power and toughness are each equal to the current hour, using the twelve-hour system.
Errata: None
Verdict: Won’t work due to time zones. I suppose we could say that one time zone is definitive, such as the one that our servers are in or the one our webmaster is in. But that’s more effort than it’s worth. Alternatively, it could mean that if we each have an Elvish House Party in play, they could be different strengths, due to our different time zones.
Emcee || 2W || Creature -- Human Rogue || 0/1 || Whenever another creature comes into play, you may stand up and say in a deep, booming voice “Presenting ...” and that creature’s name. If you do, put a +1/+1 counter on that creature.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: Presenting... my verdict! This won’t work due to the “deep booming voice” part. If we just had to say “Presenting”, it would work. Now, theoretically, we could make it say just that bit and ignore the “deep booming voice” thing. I don’t know, maybe.
Enter the Dungeon || BB || Sorcery || Players play a Magic subgame under the table starting at 5 life, using their libraries as their decks. After the subgame ends, the winner searches his or her library for two cards, put those cards into his or her hand, then shuffles his or her library.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "Players play a Magic subgame under the table, starting at 5 life and using their libraries as their decks. The winner searches his or her library for two cards, puts those cards into his or her hand, then shuffles his or her library."
Verdict: Well, this exists in black border. It’s called Shahrazad. Of course, that’s banned in all formats. There are a few differences. For one, Enter the Dungeon starts at 5 life, so it goes quicker. As such, the time issue (the primary reason the card is banned) is a non-issue here. Another difference is that it rewards the player who wins, rather than punishing the player that loses. And, of course, being an Un-card, it happens under the table. So, I guess we make a #underthetable room as soon as this is played? The other issue is that JaceBot can only keep track of one life total per player at a time, but we can always use poison/experience/energy to pretend. There’s also the issue of people need to have physical space to use their cards, which they may not have access to. What’s more, some people use TappedOut or similar simulation sites. In that case, they can’t exactly start a new game using only the cards remaining in their decks at that point. It would take a while to set up. So despite how fun this seems to be, I’m going to have to say no.
Erase (Not the Urza’s Legacy One) || 2W || Instant || If you control two or more white permanents that share an artist, you may play Erase (Not the Urza’s Legacy One) without paying its mana cost. || Remove target enchantment from the game.
Errata: The last sentence has been changed to say "Exile target enchantment."
Verdict: This works. We’d have to get around the “artist matters” issue, but like I’ve previously said, I think it can be done.
Eye to Eye || 2B || Instant || You and target creature’s controller have a staring contest. If you win, destroy that creature.
Errata: None.
Verdict: No.
Face to Face || 1R || Sorcery || You and target opponent play a best two-out-of-three Rock, Paper, Scissors match. If you win, Face to Face deals 5 damage to that opponent.
Errata: The last word of this card has been changed to "player."
Verdict: Technically, this would work if we had a third party confirm that people weren’t changing their mind after both players have chosen. In theory, we do need that anyways for the black border card Goblin Game, but no one really plays Goblin Game.
Farewell to Arms || 1BB || Enchantment || As Farewell to Arms comes into play, choose a hand attached to an opponent’s arm. || When the chosen hand isn’t behind its owner’s back, sacrifice Farewell to Arms. If you do, that player discards his or her hand ... of cards. (The lawyers wouldn’t let us do it the other way.)
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: Doesn’t work.
Fascist Art Director || 1WW || Creature -- Human Horror || 2/2 || {W}{W}: Fascist Art Director gains protection from the artist of your choice until end of turn.
Errata: None
Verdict: Oh, please. This is an American-made game. Like fascism can ever come to the USA. Hahahahahahahahahaha. (weeps hopelessly) By the way, this works.
Fat Ass || 4G || Creature -- Donkey Shaman || 2/3½ || Fat Ass gets +2/+2 and has trample as long as you’re eating. (Food is in your mouth and you’re chewing, licking, sucking, or swallowing it.)
Errata: The reminder text has been changed to "(Gum isn't food. We checked.)" Curiously, the US Government does consider gum to be food. Like, you can't sell gum unless you have a permit to sell food.
Verdict: Doesn’t work.
First Come, First Served || 1W || Enchantment || The attacking or blocking creature with the lowest collector number has first strike. If two or more creatures are tied, they all have first strike.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now reads "Each attacking or blocking creature with the lowest collector number among attacking or blocking creatures has first strike."
Verdict: Seems fine. We have to actually check collector’s numbers, but that shouldn’t be too hard. Pre-Exodus cards don’t have collector’s numbers, so I’d assume they aren’t counted for the purposes of this card.
Flaccify || 2U || Instant || Counter target spell unless its controller pays {3}{½}.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works.
Form of the Squirrel || G || Enchantment || As Form of the Squirrel comes into play, put a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token into play. You lose the game when it leaves play. || Creatures can’t attack you. || You can’t be the target of spells or abilities. || You can’t play spells.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. Its first ability now says "As Form of the Squirrel enters the battlefield, create a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token. You lose the game when that creature leaves the battlefield." Its second ability now says "Creatures can't attack you." Its third ability now says "You have shroud." Its fourth ability now says "You can't cast spells."
Verdict: The flavor is wonky, but other than that, this works.
Fraction Jackson || 2G || Creature -- Human Hero || 1/1½ || {G}, {T}: Return target card with a ½ on it from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: None.
Verdict: Um... sure? I don’t think you’ll get much use out of it, though. How many cards are there that have ½ on them? It can’t possibly be that many. Especially since literally 100% of them would have had to come from Unhinged.
Framed! || 1U || Instant || Tap or untap all permanents by the artist of your choice.
Errata: This card has been re-written to now say "Choose an artist. Tap all untapped permanents with art by that artist or untap all tapped permanents with art by that artist."
Verdict: Rules-wise, this works. Unfortunately, it is way too overpowered. Since most players prefer all their lands to match in art, this becomes a ridiculous “untap all your lands” card, effectively doubling your mana. Good luck facing a Storm deck that uses this.
Frankie Peanuts || 2WW || Legendary Creature -- Elephant Rogue || 2/3 || At the beginning of your upkeep, you may ask target player a yes-or-no question. If you do, that player answers the question truthfully and abides by that answer if able until end of turn.
Errata: None.
Verdict: Well, we could get it to work on WyvernIRC. The problem is that this is literally a “you win the game” card. All you have to do is ask “Will your answer to this question be the same as your answer to the question ‘Will you concede the game this turn?’” and then you win.
Frazzled Editor || 1R || Creature -- Human Bureaucrat || 2/2 || Protection from wordy (Something is wordy if it has four or more lines of text in its text box.)
Errata: "text in its text box" is now "rules text".
Verdict: We have to make a ruling on whether flavor text and/or reminder text counts. We also have to decide how it works for people who aren’t using the actual card and are instead proxying with pieces of paper and the like. I think we could make these judgments though, and then the card is fine. By the way, this card’s flavor text includes the word “penis”. Yes, really.
Gleemax || 1,000,000 || Legendary Artifact || You choose all targets for all spells and abilities.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works within the rules just fine. Good luck getting a million mana to cast it though. I guess there’s infinite combos and the like. By the way, even without being able to cast it, this card combos really well with Blast of Genius.
Gluetius Maximus || 3GG || Creature -- Beast || 5/5 || As Gluetius Maximus comes into play, an opponent chooses one of your fingers. (Thumbs are fingers, too.) || When the chosen finger isn’t touching Gluetius Maximus, sacrifice Gluetius Maximus.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: Doesn’t work, but that doesn’t matter, because this has been obsoleted by so many cards already. A 5/5 for 5 isn’t very good in green.
Goblin Mime || 1R || Creature -- Goblin Mime || 2/2 || When you speak, sacrifice Goblin Mime.
Errata: None.
Promo: This card was an Arena League promo.
Verdict: /me commands to the rescue! I actually really want to play a game of Magic while gagged. That would be funny. I vote yes, though I do recognize that this seems like something that should be a no.
Goblin Secret Agent || 2R || Creature -- Goblin Rogue || 2/2 || First strike || At the beginning of your upkeep, reveal a card from your hand at random.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works in black-border. The only reason it’s an Un-Card is the whacky card frame, and the artwork’s flavor not being very fantasy-esque.
Goblin S.W.A.T. Team || 3R || Creature -- Goblin Warrior || 2/2 || Say “Goblin S.W.A.T. Team”: Put a +1/+1 counter on Goblin S.W.A.T. Team unless an opponent swats the table within five seconds. Play this ability only once each turn.
Errata: "Play" is now "Activate".
Verdict: Won’t work. Even if /me commands are allowed, the fact that IRC lag is a thing would make the five-second rule impossible to judge.
Granny’s Payback || 7G || Sorcery || You gain life equal to your age.
Errata: None.
Promo: This card was an Arena League promo.
Verdict: Oh dear god, I never want to play Magic against an old person ever again. But this does work.
Graphic Violence || 2G || Instant || All creatures by the artist of your choice get +2/+2 and gain trample until end of turn.
Errata: "All creatures by the artist of your choice" is now "All creatures with art by the artist of your choice".
Verdict: This works.
Greater Morphling || 6UU || Creature -- Shapeshifter || 5/5 || {2}: Greater Morphling gains your choice of banding, bushido 1, double strike, fear, flying, first strike, haste, landwalk of your choice, protection from a color of your choice, provoke, rampage 1, shadow, or trample until end of turn. || {2}: Greater Morphling becomes the colors of your choice until end of turn. || {2}: Greater Morphling’s type becomes the creature type of your choice until end of turn. || {2}: Greater Morphling’s expansion symbol becomes the symbol of your choice until end of turn. || {2}: Greater Morphling’s artist becomes the artist of your choice until end of turn. || {2}: Greater Morphling gets +2/-2 or -2/+2 until end of turn. || {2}: Untap Greater Morphling.
Errata: The third ability now says "Greater Morphling becomes the creature type of your choice until end of turn." The fifth ability is now "Greater Morphling's art becomes by the artist of your choice until end of turn." Unrelated, by the way, but I now have a list of all landwalks that exist in Magic! Desert, Forest, Island, Legendary Land, Mountain, Nonbasic Land, Plains, Snow Forest, Snow Land, Snow Swamp, Snow-Covered Plains, Swamp.
Verdict: As lengthy as all that text is, my concern with it is in just one word: landwalk. What the hell are my options here? Do I have to choose a basic land type, so that I can have forestwalk or swampwalk or the like? Or do I choose any land type, such as desertwalk or gatewalk? Note that gatewalk does not exist on any real Magic card. On top of that, some landwalks that exist don’t even use land types, but instead use supertypes, such as legendary landwalk (found on Livonya Silone and on Ayumi, the Last Visitor). Can I choose that? Heck, even worse, Dryad Sophisticate has nonbasic landwalk, which is just... dumb. So bottom-line: I don’t even know how to work with that ability. We need to form a list of possible landwalks, but assuming that this is done, I see no issues with it.
Head to Head || W || Instant || You and target opponent play Seven Questions about the top card of that player’s library. (That player looks at the card, then you ask up to six yes-or-no questions about the card that he or she answers truthfully. You guess the card’s name -- that’s question seven -- and the player reveals the card.) If you win, prevent all damage that would be dealt this turn by a source of your choice.
Errata: The reminder text now begins with "To play Seven Questions," before explaining it. The reminder text has also been moved to the end of the card.
Verdict: Not only does this work, but it sounds super fun!
Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil || 8BB || Creature -- Demon Child || 8/8 || Flying, first strike, trample || If you say “I’m coming, too!” as you search your library, you may pay {1}{B} and reveal Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil from your library to have it deal 2 damage to a player of your choice. Do this no more than once each turn.
Errata: The final ability has been re-written to now read "Once each turn, while you're searching your library, you may pay {1}{B}, reveal Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil from your library and say 'I'm coming, too' If you do, Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 2 damage to a player of your choice."
Verdict: I’m going to make a ruling that you can only use the ability of any Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil once per turn, not just once per copy that you have. Otherwise, this becomes impossible to track, because you constantly shuffle your library. But no issues beyond that. 10 mana for an 8/8 flying first strike trample though. Damn.
Johnny, Combo Player || 2UU || Legendary Creature -- Human Gamer || 1/1 || {4}: Search your library for a card and put that card into your hand. Then shuffle your library.
Errata: The word "and" has been removed and replaced with a comma. The two sentences have now been combined into one sentence with a comma separating them now.
Verdict: Rules-wise, this works. May be overpowered though.
Keeper of the Sacred Word || 2G || Creature -- Human Druid || 2/3 || As Keeper of the Sacred Word comes into play, choose a word. || Whenever an opponent says the chosen word, Keeper of the Sacred Word gets +3/+3 until end of turn.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: As with all verbal cards, we will have to limit its scope to #mtg and #mtgdiscussion, but if we do, I think we’re fine.
Kill! Destroy! || 1BB || Instant || Destroy target nonblack creature. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says “Kill” or “Destroy,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Kill! Destroy! from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The words that an opponent has to say ("kill" and "destroy") are now lowercase. The "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed. The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If".
Verdict: This works, so I cannot bring myself to kill this card from our games.
Ladies’ Knight || 3W || Creature -- Human Knight || 2/2 || Flying || Spells that players wearing at least one item of women’s clothing cost {1} less to play. (Women’s clothing is designed to be worn exclusively by women.)
Errata: The final ability has been re-written. It now reads "Spells cast by players wearing at least one item of women's clothing cost {1} less to cast. (You can define women's clothing as you see fit. Be reasonable.)"
Verdict: Won’t work online. I’m uncertain whether or not I want to play with it offline as well. A part of me REALLY wants to, and a part of me REALLY doesn’t want to. And that’s regardless of the gender of my opponent.
Land Aid ’04 || GG || Sorcery || Search your library for a basic land card, put that card into play tapped, then shuffle your library. If you sang a song the whole time you were searching and shuffling, you may untap that land.
Errata: "into play" is now "onto the battlefield".
Verdict: Won’t work. I suppose we could just say that you always fail and that it comes in tapped, but what’s the fun in that?
Laughing Hyena || 1G || Creature -- Hyena || 2/2 || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent laughs, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Laughing Hyena from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If". The "!" after "Gotcha" has also been eliminated.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Letter Bomb || 6 || Artifact || When Letter Bomb comes into play, sign it and shuffle it into target player’s library. That player reveals each card he or she draws until Letter Bomb is drawn. When that player draws Letter Bomb, it deals 19½ damage to hm or her.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The second sentence has been re-written to say "That player reveals each card he or she draws until he or she draws Letter Bomb."
Verdict: Won’t work. Also holy shit, this sounds brutal.
Little Girl || HalfW || Creature -- Human Child || ½/½
Errata: None.
Verdict: Well, it’s vanilla. So it works. Paying half a mana is odd, but do-able. Not sure what you’re supposed to do with this card. I mean, I guess she chump-blocks okay, but get a real creature for that. This is awful. Still, though, it works within the rules of the game, and poses no issues with online functionality.
Look at Me, I’m R&D || 2W || Enchantment || As Look at Me, I’m R&D comes into play, choose a number and a second number one higher or one lower than that number. All instances of the first chosen number on permanents, spells, and cards in any zone are the second chosen number.
Errata: The first sentence and the second sentence are now separate abilities. In the first ability, "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". In the second ability, it has been completely re-written to now say "All instances of the first chosen number in the full text of each permanent, spell, and card in any zone are changed to the second number."
Verdict: I think that this would break the game when used in combination with some cards. That said, I cannot think of any combinations off the top of my head, so I could be wrong.
Loose Lips || U || Enchant Creature || As Loose Lips comes into play, choose a sentence with eight or fewer words. || Enchanted creature has flying. || Whenever enchanted creature deals damage to an opponent, you draw two cards unless that player says the chosen sentence.
Errata: The type has been changed to "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant creature" has been moved to inside the text box. "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The last clause of the last ability has been re-written to say "that player may say the chosen sentence. If he or she doesn't, you draw two cards."
Verdict: This works, but it’s begging to be abused unfairly, so I vote no. I don’t want people taking advantage of other people, either inside or outside the game, and that is what this card is inviting them to do.
Magical Hacker || 1U || Creature -- Human Gamer || 1/2 || {U}: Change the text of target spell or permanent by replacing all instances of + with -, and vice versa, until end of turn.
Errata: None.
Verdict: Again, I think this breaks the game somehow, but I have no idea how. It might be okay. Either way, nothing impairing online functionality.
Mana Flair || 1R || Instant || Add {R} to your mana pool for each nonland permanent by the artist of your choice.
Errata: The words "with art" have been added to the card before "by the artist".
Verdict: For each one... in play? For each one... under your control? Not sure. We’d have to make a ruling. But it works.
Mana Screw || 1 || Artifact || {1}: Flip a coin. If you win the flip, add {2} to your mana pool. Play this ability only any time you could play an instant.
Errata: It now adds {C}{C} instead of {2}. And the last sentence has been re-written to say "Activate this ability only any time you could cast an instant."
Verdict: Oooh! I found a way to break Look at Me, I’m R&D! Just change all instances of {1} to {0}, and ta-da! Infinite mana. But still, works within the rules, and suffers nothing from being played online.
Man of Measure || 1WW || Creature -- Human Knight || 2/2 || As long as you’re shorter than an opponent, Man of Measure has first strike and gets +0/+1. || As long as you’re taller than an opponent, Man of Measure gets +1/+0.
Errata: Rather than "has first strike and gets +0/+1", it now "gets +0/+1 and has first strike."
Verdict: Doesn’t work online. People can lie about their height. Plus, I have no idea what my height even is.
Meddling Kids || 2WU || Creature -- Human Child || 2/3 || As Meddling Kids comes into play, choose a word with four or more letters. || Nonland cards with the chosen word in their text box can’t be played.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield" and "Nonland cards" are now "Spells".
Verdict: This works. By the way, for best results, choose “target”.
Mise || U || Instant || Name a nonland card, then reveal the top card of your library. If the card is the named card, draw three cards.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "Choose a nonland card name, then reveal the top card of your library. If that card has the chosen name, you draw three cards."
Promo: This card was an Arena League promo.
Verdict: Combos well with Sensei’s Divining Top. Also, this works fine. Why the hell is it silver-bordered?
Moniker Mage || 2U || Creature -- Human Wizard || 2/2 || {U}, Say your middle name: Moniker Mage can’t be the target of spells or abilities this turn. || {U}, Say an opponent’s middle name: Moniker Mage gains flying until end of turn.
Errata: The effect of the first ability now says "Moniker Mage gains shroud until end of turn."
Verdict: People can lie about what their middle name is, so I vote no.
Monkey Monkey Monkey || 3G || Creature -- Ape || 1/1 || As Monkey Monkey Monkey comes into play, choose a letter. || Monkey Monkey Monkey gets +1/+1 for each nonland permanent whose name begins with the chosen letter.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: Sure, that works.
Mons’s Goblin Waiters || R || Creature -- Goblin Waiter || 1/1 || Sacrifice a creature or land: Add {HalfR} to your mana pool.
Errata: None.
Verdict: Mostly useless, but it works.
Mother of Goons || 2B || Creature -- Human Cleric || 3/2 || Whenever a creature an opponent controls is put into a graveyard from play, sacrifice Mother of Goons unless you insult that creature.
Errata: The trigger is now "Whenever a creature an opponent controls dies".
Verdict: This sounds like so much fun! I may start doing this even when I don’t have Mother of Goons in play. Oh, and by the way, it works online!
Mouth to Mouth || 3U || Sorcery || You and target opponent have a breath-holding contest. If you win, you gain control of target creature that player controls.
Errata: This card has now been completely re-written to now say "Choose target opponent and target creature that player controls. You and that player have a breath-holding contest. If you win, you gain control of that creature."
Verdict: Won’t work online.
Mox Lotus || 15 || Artifact || {T}: Add {∞} to your mana pool. || {100}: Add one mana of any color to your mana pool. || You don’t lose life due to mana burn.
Errata: The last ability has been removed.
Verdict: This got so much better when mana burn was removed. Yeah, infinite mana, but as soon as this gets destroyed, you’re no longer safe from mana burn and you’re going to burn infinitely. Now, though, you just lose the mana. Way better. It works online, and yeah, I’m totally okay with using it.
My First Tome || 3 || Artifact || {1}, {T}: Say the flavor text on a card in your hand. Target opponent guesses that card’s name. You may reveal that card. If you do and your opponent guessed wrong, draw a card.
Errata: "your opponent" is now "that player". The word "you" has been added before "draw a card". By the way, fun fact, the Unstable printing of Super-Duper Death Ray has the same flavor text as the Magic 2015 printing of Hot Soup.
Verdict: It works. And also, it sounds super fun and annoying. We’d have to ban Google searches and Gatherer searches and the like, but other than that, I think it could work.
Name Dropping || 1G || Enchantment || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says a word that’s in the name of a card in your graveyard, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return that card to your hand.
Errata: The first sentence is an "If" instead of a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" instead of an "If". Additionally, the "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed.
Verdict: This works.
Necro-Impotence || BBB || Enchantment || Skip your untap step. || At the beginning of your upkeep, you may pay X life. If you do, untap X permanents. || Pay ½ life: Remove the top card of your library from the game face down. Put that card into your hand at end of turn.
Errata: The final effect is now "Exile the top card of your library face down. Put that card into your hand at the beginning of the next end step."
Verdict: Yeah, that works. It could be done in black-border easily, if you just change the fraction into a whole number.
Now I Know My ABC’s || 1UU || Enchantment || At the beginning of your upkeep, if you control permanents with names that include all twenty-six letters of the English alphabet, you win the game.
Errata: No changes needed here.
Verdict: We will have to assume that you are playing English-language cards, but yeah, this works. FYI, the way to do this with the fewest permanents is to have Jacques Le Vert and Kruphix, God of Horizons in addition to this card. Then you have all twenty-six.
Number Crunch || 2U || Instant || Return target permanent to its owner’s hand. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says a number, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Number Crunch from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The first sentence is an "If" instead of a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" instead of an "If". Additionally, the "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed.
Verdict: Oh man, this one is a headache. How many cards in your hand? What are your creatures (with p/t?). Untapped mana? These are questions we ask all the time on WyvernIRC, and so it can’t really work here. Also, is JaceBot telling you your score the equivalent of you telling it to your opponent? I vote no, but technically, if you wanted to make it work, you probably could. You just need to address these rulings first.
Old Fogey || GG || Summon Dinosaur || 7/7 || Phasing, cumulative upkeep {1}, echo, fading 3, bands with other Dinosaurs, protection from Homarids, snow-covered plainswalk, flanking, rampage 2
Errata: "Summon Dinosaur" is now "Summon -- Dinosaur". The "echo" ability now says "echo {G}{G}" to reflect the change to Echo made in Time Spiral block. Oddly, the "snow-covered plainswalk" is still unchanged, despite the fact that it ought to now say "Snow plainswalk" to reflect the change to Snow-Covered Lands made in Coldsnap.
Verdict: You’d expect me to say that this works in black-border, and it does... mostly. There aretwo issues one issue with it. The first is its creature type: Dinosaur. This is not a black-bordered creature type. Any dinosaurs printed in Magic are given the creature type Lizard. So there’s nothing for “bands with other Dinosaurs” to work with. Now, Ixalan block is confirmed to feature Dinosaur as a creature type, so it will work after then, but in the meantime, we need to make judgment on what counts as a Dinosaur or not. The obvious one is Pygmy Allosaurus from Ice Age. This was originally printed as a Dinosaur before receiving errata to be a Lizard instead. The others are up in the air, but I’d say that the following would count as Dinosaurs: Crag Saurian, Shivan Raptor, Gnathosaur, Imperiosaur, Deathmist Raptor. All of them blatantly feature a dinosaur in their artwork. And now Ixalan is out, so what I said doesn't matter! The second issue only issue that keeps this card from being black-bordered is snow-covered plainswalk. If you make all cards lose plainswalk (using either Great Wall or Lord Magnus), would that cover snow-covered plainswalk as well? There’s no easy answer there. Although... hmm... this is already an issue with forestwalk and swampwalk, which have snow variants. Hmm... yeah, how WOULD that work anyways? (goes to Judge rules chat) Okay, I have been informed that landwalk abilities are separate from their snow counterparts. Causing creatures to lose plainswalk will not cause them to lose snow-covered plainswalk. All right, now that that’s settled, I think that this works in black-border, so it’s fine.
Orcish Paratroopers || 2R || Creature -- Orc Paratrooper || 4/4 || When Orcish Paratroopers comes into play, flip it from a height of at least one foot. Sacrifice Orcish Paratroopers unless it lands face up after turning over completely.
Errata: This card has been re-written. It now says "When Orcish Paratroopers enters the battlefield, flip it from a height of at least one foot. Sacrifice Orcish Paratroopers unless it turns over completely at least once during the flip and lands face up."
Verdict: Won’t work.
Our Market Research Shows That Players Like Really Long Card Names So We Made this Card to Have the Absolute Longest Card Name Ever Elemental || 1GG || Creature -- Elemental || 2/2 || Art rampage 2 (Whenever this becomes blocked by a creature, it gets +2/+2 for each creature in the blocker’s art beyond the first.)
Errata: None. I wonder if the market research really does show this?
Verdict: This mostly works, if we specify which printings we’re using. However, there are a lot of issues that we could run into. For example, what happens if you block this with a Scute Mob? I guess you’d better start counting.
Persecute Artist || 1BB || Sorcery || Choose an artist other than Rebecca Guay. Target player reveals his or her hand and discards all nonland cards by the chosen artist.
Errata: The words "with art" have been added to the card before "by the chosen artist".
Verdict: Sure, I guess. It’s no worse than any of the other “artist matters” cards.
Phyrexian Librarian || 3B || Creature -- Horror || 3/3 || Flying, trample || At the beginning of your upkeep, remove the top card of your library from the game face up and balance it on your body. || When a balanced card falls or touches another balanced card, sacrifice Phyrexian Librarian.
Errata: The phrase "remove the top card of your library from the game face up" has been changed to "exile the top card of your library".
Verdict: Won’t work.
Pointy Finger of Doom || 4 || Artifact || {3}, {T}: Spin Pointy Finger of Doom in the middle of the table so that it rotates completely at least once, then destroy the closest permanent the finger points to.
Errata: No changes made here.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Punctuate || 3R || Instant || Punctuate deals damage to target creature equal to half the number of punctuation marks in that creature’s text box. (The punctuation marks are ! ? , ; : - – ( ) / “ ‘ & .)
Errata: In more bizarre anti-exclamation-point moments, the "!" has been removed from the reminder text of this card. However, now the quotation mark and the apostrophe feature multiple variants. The reminder text now reads "(The punctuation marks are ? , ; : - — ( ) / " " ‘ ' & .)"
Verdict: We’d probably use Oracle text, since that’s what JaceBot shows us, unless we want to also count flavor text, in which case, we’d use the physical printing. We’d have to make a ruling on that. The other issue is that, unlike black-bordered “half” cards, this does not specify whether to round up or down. We’d have to make a ruling on that as well.
Pygmy Giant || 1RR || Creature -- Giant || 0/2 || {R}, {T}, Sacrifice a creature: Pygmy Giant deals X damage to target creature, where X is a number in the sacrificed creature’s text box.
Errata: None.
Verdict: We have to make a call of whether or not to count flavor text, but other than that, this seems fine.
Question Elemental? || 2UU || Creature -- Elemental || 3/4 || Flying || Are you aware that when you say something that isn’t a question, the player who first points out this fact gains control of Question Elemental?
Errata: Did you know that the creature type changed from "Elemental" to "Elemental?"? And were you aware that both of its abilities have also undergone complete re-writes? Is it a known fact that the first ability now says "Did you know this creature has flying?" And has it been made clear that the second ability now reads "Are you aware that any time you say something that isn't a question, when a player points out this fact first, that player gains control of Question Elemental?"
Verdict: Did you know that I think this is totally fine for use on WyvernIRC? Will we run into problems with it? Doubtful, but if we do, we can deal with that, right? I suppose we would have to limit the scope of its influence to just #mtg and #mtgdiscussion, though, wouldn’t we?
Rare-B-Gone || 2BR || Sorcery || Each player sacrifices all rare permanents, then reveals his or her hand and discards all rare cards.
Errata: This card has been re-written. It now says "Each player sacrifices all permanents that are rare or mythic rare, then each player reveals his or her hand and discards all cards that are rare or mythic rare."
Verdict: We need to decide whether to ask for the individual printing, or just have this affect anything that has ever been printed at rare. Additionally, early Magic sets had weird rarities, because of print sheets and multiple copies on each sheet, and so forth. To simplify, I suggest we use Gatherer to determine rarity. We also need to decide whether Mythics and Masterpieces count as Rares or not.
R&D’s Secret Lair || Legendary Land || Play cards as written. Ignore all errata. || {T}: Add {1} to your mana pool.
Errata: This card now adds {C} instead of adding {1}. However, this creates a paradox, because the card itself would ignore that very errata, and thus, still continue to add {1}. Luckily, there's a fix for this, because they also added another sentence after the mana ability to say "This mana is still added to your mana pool." Of course, such a sentence would itself also be ignored. Fortunately, there is a rules fix for this. Namely, whenever a player tries to add generic mana (as opposed to colorless mana) to their mana pool, they get that much colorless instead. This comes up in black-bordered Magic on exactly one card: Elemental Resonance. But because the solution does exist, we can use it.
Verdict: I mean... this is just asking for trouble. There’s literally no way to use this card without abusing it. So I don’t want to legalize it, but having said that... it totally works fine online.
Red-Hot Hottie || 2RR || Creature -- Elemental || 2/5 || Whenever Red-Hot Hottie deals damage to a creature, put a third-degree-burn counter on that creature. It has “At the end of each turn, sacrifice this creature unless you scream ‘Aaah!’ at the top of your lungs.”
Errata: "At the end of each turn" is now "At the beginning of each end step" and the "!" has been removed.
Verdict: Doesn’t work.
Remodel || 2G || Instant || If you control two or more green permanents that share an artist, you may play Remodel without paying its mana cost. || Remove target artifact from the game.
Errata: The second ability now says "Exile target artifact."
Verdict: This works just as well as any other “artist matters” cards.
Richard Garfield, Ph.D. || 3UU || Legendary Creature -- Human Designer || 2/2 || You may play cards as though they were other Magic cards of your choice with the same mana cost. (Mana cost includes color.) You can’t choose the same card twice.
Errata: The reminder text was moved to the end.
Promo: Richard Garfield Ph.D is now available as a promo printing to promote Magic's 30th anniversary.
Verdict: This is super weird... but it works. To make it even trickier, try banning Gatherer. You have to rely on your mental knowledge of the game.
Rocket-Powered Turbo Slug || 3R || Creature -- Slug || 3/1 || Super haste (This may attack the turn before you play it. (You may put this card into play from your hand, tapped and attacking, during your declare attackers step. If you do, you lose the game at the end of your next turn unless you pay this card’s mana cost during that turn.))
Errata: The reminder text has been re-written. It now says "(This may attack the turn before you cast it. (You may put this card from your hand onto the battlefield tapped and attacking during your declare attackers step. If you do, you lose the game at the beginning of your next turn's end step unless you pay this card's mana cost during that turn.))"
Verdict: This works. It’s literally just like the Pact cycle from Future Sight, except keyworded, and on a creature. That’s fine.
Rod of Spanking || 1 || Artifact || {2}, {T}: Rod of Spanking deals 1 damage to target player. Then untap Rod of Spanking unless that player says “Thank you, sir. May I have another?”
Errata: None.
Verdict: Technically works, but man... I really don’t want to play against this card. The context of the statement just seems... deeply unsettling. I guess I’ll just concede if it ever comes out, cause yeah, don’t want to deal with that.
Sauté || 1RR || Instant || Sauté deals 3½ damage to target creature or player.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works.
Save Life || W || Instant || Choose one -- Target player gains 2½ life; or prevent the next 2½ damage that would be dealt to target creature this turn. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says “Save” or “Life,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Save Life from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The words that an opponent has to say ("save" and "life") are now lowercase. The "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed. The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If". Finally, this card's actual abilities have been re-templated to be bullet points. It now says "Choose one --" on its first line, but then has the two options listed as bullet points on the next two lines, eliminating the word "or".
Verdict: While there are a lot of cards that aren’t able to be used, this is one that I feel we can save.
Shoe Tree || 4G || Creature -- Treefolk || 3/3 || Shoe Tree comes into play with up to two shoe counters on it. Use your shoes as counters. || Shoe Tree gets +1/+1 for each shoe counter on it.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: This works if we eliminate the “use your shoes as counters” clause, which is easily done. We just treat the counters as regular counters. It does ruin the fun a bit, but there is no reason why you had to use your shoes in the first place. Nothing about the card design indicates that. I guess the issue is that you would only be allowed two counters and couldn’t proliferate beyond that. But we can easily add a “Shoe Tree can’t have more than two shoe counters on it” clause. That does have precedence in black border, by the way. Rasputin Dreamweaver can’t have more than seven dream counters on it. So that would work.
Side to Side || 2G || Instant || You and target opponent arm-wrestle. If you win, put a 3/3 green Ape creature token into play.
Errata: The final sentence is now "If you win, create a 3/3 green Ape creature token."
Verdict: Won’t work.
Six-y Beast || 3R || Creature -- Beast || 0/0 || As Six-y Beast comes into play, you secretly put six or fewer +1/+1 counters on it, then an opponent guesses the number of counters. If that player guesses right, sacrifice Six-y Beast.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The words "after it enters the battlefield" have been added to the end of the card.
Verdict: This faces the same issue as Face to Face, as well as the black-bordered card Goblin Game. We need a third party to confirm that people aren’t changing their minds. But if we can provide that, then that’s fine.
Smart Ass || 2U || Creature -- Donkey Wizard || 2½/1 || Whenever Smart Ass attacks, name a card. Defending player may reveal his or her hand and show you that the named card isn’t there. If that player doesn’t, Smart Ass is unblockable this turn.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "Whenever Smart Ass attacks, choose a card name. If defending player has no cards with the chosen name in his or her hand, that player may reveal his or her hand. If he or she doesn't reveal his or her hand, Smart Ass can't be blocked this turn."
Verdict: That works. The fraction is an issue, as JaceBot will only accept integers, but we can fix that.
S.N.O.T. || G || Creature -- Ooze || *²/*² || As S.N.O.T. comes into play, you may stick it onto another creature named S.N.O.T. in play. If you do, all those creatures form a single creature. || S.N.O.T.’s power and toughness are each equal to the square of the number of S.N.O.T.s stuck together. (One is a 1/1, two are a 4/4, three are a 9/9, and four are a 16/16.)
Errata: This card has been completely re-written and is now rather hilarious as a result. So, the first ability now says "You may have S.N.O.T. enter the battlefield stuck to another creature named S.N.O.T. If you do, all those creatures form a single creature." The second ability now says "S.N.O.T.'s power and toughness are each equal to the square of the number of cards named S.N.O.T. stuck together to form it. (One is a 1/1, two are a 4/4, three are a 9/9 and four are a 16/16. If you manage to get -1 S.N.O.T.s stuck together, it's a 1/1.)" That last bit of reminder text killed me. Like, actually killed me. Any time I connect to IRC from now on, it's actually just my ghost. It is now my life goal to somehow get a negative amount of S.N.O.T. cards stuck together. I don't know how I'm going to pull THAT off, but I'll figure it out eventually. (I already have some ideas.)
Verdict: I really want an infinite combo that makes a lot of token copies of this. I mean, uh... I didn’t say that. I meant to say that this works online. We will have to make a ruling on whether or not S.N.O.T. is summoning sick if it has some parts of it that entered play this turn and some parts of it that didn’t. But we’ll figure that out, I’m sure.
Spell Counter || 2UU || Instant || Counter target spell. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says “Spell” or “Counter,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Spell Counter from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The words that an opponent has to say ("spell" and "counter") are now lowercase. The "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed. The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If".
Verdict: This spell works.
Standing Army || 2WW || Creature -- Human Soldier || 2/4 || As long as you’re standing, Standing Army has vigilance. (Attacking doesn’t cause it to tap.)
Errata: The reminder text has been removed.
Verdict: This won’t work.
Staying Power || 2W || Enchantment || As long as Staying Power is in play, “until end of turn” and “this turn” effects don’t end.
Errata: "As long as Staying Power is in play," has been removed from the card.
Verdict: This works, but is needlessly confusing and makes a lot of cards overpowered.
Stone-Cold Basilisk || 4G || Creature -- Basilisk || 2½/5 || Whenever Stone-Cold Basilisk blocks or becomes blocked by a creature with fewer letters in its name, destroy that creature at end of combat. (Punctuation and spaces aren’t letters.) || Whenever an opponent reads Stone-Cold Basilisk, that player is turned to stone until end of turn. Stoned players can’t attack, block, or play spells or abilities.
Errata: Stoned players now can't "attack, block, cast spells, or activate abilities."
Verdict: I really like the first part of this card, and that works. Which makes it so annoying because I have to say that the card overall doesn’t work. The second part is impossible to enforce. We could say that it’s whenever you call the card with JaceBot, but I’d also want to enforce if by stoning you whenever you read up and see the card text again. And there’s no way to know whether or not you did.
Stop That || B || Instant || Target player discards a card. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent audibly flicks the cards in his or her hand, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Stop That from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The first sentence is now an "If" instead of a "Whenever" and the second is a "When" instead of an "If". The "!" in "Gotcha!" has also been removed.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Super Secret Tech || 3 || Artifact || All premium spells cost {1} less to play. || All premium creatures get +1/+1.
Errata: Both instances of the word "all" have been removed and the word "play" was changed to "cast".
Verdict: Won’t work, due to proxies. The point is to encourage you to foil out your deck, which, if we’re proxying, is done simply by saying you have done so, which destroys the intent of this card. Additionally, it’s not always clear which cards have been printed in foil and which have not, so it’s unclear to people what you even can proxy with this. Furthermore, there are some cards which are only available in foil, such as the face cards of the Commander preconstructed decks, or the face cards of the planeswalker decks, or so on. This card also qualifies there: it’s only available in foil, hence it being “super secret”. The other secret thing about it is that its collector’s number is 141/140, so you wouldn’t know that it existed unless you opened one. Heck, for a while, it wasn’t even on Gatherer. Finally, there is another issue with this card: What happens if you meld a foil and non-foil together? Would it get +1/+1? There’s no easy answer there. Having said all that, I’m okay with this card in games where proxies are disallowed. But since we allow proxies for the majority of our games, I’m okay with that.
Supersize || 1G || Instant || Target creature gets +3½/+3½ until end of turn.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works.
Symbol Status || 2GG || Sorcery || Put a 1/1 colorless Expansion-Symbol creature token into play for each different expansion symbol among permanents you control.
Errata: "Put a 1/1 colorless Expansion-Symbol creature token into play" is now "Create a 1/1 colorless Expansion-Symbol creature token".
Verdict: Yeah, that works. If you use this in your deck, though, you have to plan out which versions of each card you use.
Tainted Monkey || 1B || Creature -- Ape || 1/1 || {T}: Choose a word. Target player puts the top card of his or her library into his or her graveyard. If that card has the chosen word in its text box, that player loses 3 life.
Errata: None.
Verdict: We have to choose whether or not to count flavor text, but regardless, this works.
The Fallen Apart || 2BB || Creature -- Zombie || 4/4 || The Fallen Apart comes into play with two arms and two legs. || Whenever damage is dealt to The Fallen Apart, remove an arm or a leg from it. || The Fallen Apart can’t attack if it has no legs and can’t block if it has no arms.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: That works, we just use counters to represent arms and legs.
Time Machine || 5 || Artifact || {T}: Remove Time Machine and target nontoken creature you own from the game. Return both cards to play at the beginning of your upkeep on your turn X of the next game you play with the same opponent, where X is the removed creature’s converted mana cost.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "{T}: Exile Time Machine and target nontoken creature you own. Return them to the battlefield at the beginning of your upkeep on your turn X in the next game you play with one of your opponents in this game, where X is the converted mana cost of the exiled creature."
Verdict: It’s a bitch to keep track of, but it works.
Togglodyte || 3 || Artifact Creature -- Golem || 4/4 || Togglodyte comes into play turned on. || Whenever a player plays a spell, toggle Togglodyte’s ON/OFF switch. || As long as Togglodyte is turned off, it can’t attack or block, and all damage it would deal is prevented.
Errata: The first ability has turned "comes into play" into "enters the battlefield". The second ability now uses "casts" instead of "plays". The third ability has changed "all damage it would deal is prevented" to "prevent all damage it would deal".
Verdict: That... is okay. I mean, it works. Seems awfully weak from a power-level perspective though.
˙sʞɹoʍ sıɥʇ ʍoɥ ǝnlɔ ou ǝʌɐɥ ı ¿ʇı ƃuıuƃıssɐ ǝɹoɟǝq ǝƃɐɯɐp lɐǝp noʎ op ¿sdǝʇs oslɐ ɹo sǝsɐɥd ʎluo ʇɔǝɟɟɐ sıɥʇ sǝop ¿ʇı ƃuıuuıƃǝq ǝɹoɟǝq uɹnʇ ɹnoʎ puǝ oʇ uɐǝɯ ʇı sǝop ʇɐɥʍ ˙ǝuılɟɟo sʞɹoʍ sıɥʇ ʍoɥ ɐǝpı ou ǝʌɐɥ ı puɐ ˙ǝuılɟɟo sʞɹoʍ ʇı sɐ llǝʍ sɐ ʎluo s’ʇɐɥʇ ʇnq 'sǝʎ sı ɹǝʍsuɐ ʎɯ ı '”¿ǝuıluo ʞɹoʍ sıɥʇ llıʍ“ ǝɯ ʞsɐ noʎ ɟı :ʇɔıpɹǝʌ
˙"sɐ ƃuol sɐ" ɐ ƃuıǝq oʇ "ɟı" uɐ ƃuıǝq ɯoɹɟ pǝƃuɐɥɔ sɐɥ ʎʇılıqɐ puoɔǝs ǝɥʇ ˙ʎlƃuıpɹoɔɔɐ pǝʇɐpdn uǝǝq sɐɥ ʇxǝʇ ɹǝpuıɯǝɹ ǝɥʇ puɐ "puǝ" uɐɥʇ ɹǝɥʇɐɹ "ƃuıpuǝ" ʍou sı (ʎɐld uı sıɥʇ ɥʇıʍ ǝsɐɥd ʇsɹıɟ ǝɥʇ ǝq plnoʍ ɥɔıɥʍ) ǝsɐɥd ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ :ɐʇɐɹɹǝ
˙pǝsɹǝʌǝɹ sı ɹǝpɹo uɹnʇ ǝɥʇ 'ǝɯɐƃ ǝɥʇ uı sɹǝʎɐld oʍʇ uɐɥʇ ǝɹoɯ ǝɹɐ ǝɹǝɥʇ ɟı || (˙ƃuıuuıƃǝq puɐ 'uıɐɯ ʇɐqɯoɔǝɹd 'ʇɐqɯoɔ 'uıɐɯ ʇɐqɯoɔʇsod 'puǝ 'ɹǝpɹo ǝsɹǝʌǝɹ uı 'ǝɹɐ sǝsɐɥd ǝɥʇ) ˙pǝsɹǝʌǝɹ ǝɹɐ uɹnʇ s’ɹǝʎɐld ɥɔɐǝ ɟo sǝsɐɥd ǝɥʇ || ʇuǝɯʇuɐɥɔuǝ || n2 || ʎʌɹnʇ ʎsdoʇ
Touch and Go || 3R || Sorcery || Destroy target land. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent touches his or her face, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Touch and Go from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The "!" in "Gotcha!" has been removed. Also, the first sentence is "If" instead of "Whenever" and the second is "When" instead of "If".
Verdict: Won’t work, and even if it did, land destruction is frowned upon on WyvernIRC.
Toy Boat || 3 || Artifact Creature -- Ship || 3/3 || Cumulative upkeep--Say “Toy Boat” quickly. (At the beginning of your upkeep, put an age counter on Toy Boat, then sacrifice it unless you say “Toy Boat” once for each age counter on it-- without pausing between or fumbling it.)
Errata: None.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Uktabi Kong || 5GGG || Creature -- Ape || 8/8 || Trample || When Uktabi Kong comes into play, destroy all artifacts. || Tap two untapped Apes you control: Put a 1/1 green Ape creature token into play.
Errata: For the first ability, "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". For the second ability, the effect is now "Create a 1/1 green Ape creature token."
Verdict: This works. Heck, I have no idea why this is even silver-bordered in the first place.
Urza’s Hot Tub || 2 || Artifact || {2}, Discard a card: Search your library for a card that shares a complete word in its name with the discarded card, reveal it, and put it into your hand. Then shuffle your library.
Errata: The word "and" has been removed, and the final sentence has been combined with the previous one by changing that period to a comma.
Verdict: This works.
Vile Bile || 1B || Creature -- Ooze || 2½/2½ || Whenever a player’s skin or fingernail touches Vile Bile, that player loses 2 life.
Errata: None.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Water Gun Balloon Game || 2 || Artifact || As Water Gun Balloon Game comes into play, each player puts a pop! counter on a 0. || Whenever a player plays a spell, move that player’s pop! counter up 1. || Whenever a player’s pop! counter hits 5, that player puts a 5/5 pink Giant Teddy Bear creature token into play and resets all pop! counters to 0.
Errata: This has been re-written. The first ability now says "As Water Gun Balloon Game enters the battlefield, each player puts a pop counter on a 0." The second ability says "Whenever a player casts a spell, move that player's pop counter up 1." And the third ability says "Whenever a player's pop counter hits 5, that player creates a 5/5 pink Giant Teddy Bear creature token and resets all pop counters to 0."
Verdict: This works. The only issue is keeping track of the pop! number, but we can easily remember, or use experience/energy to do it.
Wet Willie of the Damned || 2BB || Sorcery || Wet Willie of the Damned deals 2½ damage to target creature or player and you gain 2½ life.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works, if we update JaceBot to handle fractions.
When Fluffy Bunnies Attack || 3B || Instant || Target creature gets -X/-X until end of turn, where X is the number of times the letter of your choice appears in that creature’s name.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works.
Who // What // When // Where // Why || XW // 2R // 2U // 3B // 1G || Instant // Instant // Instant // Instant // Instant || Target player gains X life. // Destroy target artifact. // Counter target creature spell. // Destroy target land. // Destroy target enchantment.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works. It is odd to have a five-way split card, but it works. There’s nothing inhibiting its online functionality. That said, Where may be frowned upon, due to it being a land destruction card.
Wordmail || W || Enchant Creature || Enchanted creature gets +1/+1 for each word in its name.
Errata: This card's card type is now "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant creature" has been moved to the text box.
Verdict: This works. It also is an absolutely insane combo with the black-bordered card Spy Kit.
Working Stiff || 1B || Creature -- Mummy || 2/2 || As Working Stiff comes into play, straighten your arms. || When you bend an elbow, sacrifice Working Stiff.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: Won’t work.
World-Bottling Kit || 5 || Artifact || {5}, Sacrifice World-Bottling Kit: Choose a Magic set. Remove from the game all permanents with that set’s expansion symbol except for basic lands.
Errata: "Remove from the game" is now "Exile".
Verdict: This works if we specify what printing we are using.
Yet Another Æther Vortex || 3RR || Enchantment || All creatures have haste. || Players play with the top card of their libraries revealed. || Noninstant, nonsorcery cards on top of a library are in play under their owner’s control in addition to being in that library.
Errata: The "Æ" in the name is now "Ae". "in play" is now "on the battlefield".
Verdict: There are a TON of rules issues with a card being in the same zone, but they can mostly be ignored in the spirit of having fun.
Zombie Fanboy || 2B || Creature -- Zombie Gamer || 1/1 || As Zombie Fanboy comes into play, choose an artist. || Whenever a permanent by the chosen artist is put into a graveyard, put two +1/+1 counters on Zombie Fanboy.
Errata" "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The words "with art" have been added before "by the chosen artist".
Verdict: That works.
Zzzyxas’s Abyss || 1BB || Enchantment || At the beginning of your upkeep, destroy all nonland permanents with the first name alphabetically among nonland permanents in play.
Errata: The words "in play" have been removed from the card.
Verdict: Assuming we allow only English cards, then this works.
That covers all of Unglued and Unhinged, but there is one more source of silver-bordered cards. One that very few people know about, because they are very hard to come by and aren’t in Gatherer. Those are the Happy Holidays cards.
In case you don’t know, Wizards of the Coast gives out a promo card to their trusted partners every holiday season. They are Christmas-themed, and are always silver-bordered. Each year gets a different promo card, and they’ve been doing it since 2006, so we have 11 of these to go through.
Starting in 2006, we have...
Fruitcake Elemental || 1GG || Creature -- Elemental || 7/7 || Fruitcake Elemental is indestructible. || At the end of your turn, Fruitcake Elemental deals 7 damage to you. || {3}: Target player gains control of Fruitcake Elemental.
Verdict: It works. The flavor (no pun intended) is something that would never be done in black-border, but mechanically, it works. On to 2007!
Gifts Given || 3U || Instant || Search target opponent’s library for four cards with different names and reveal them. That player chooses two of those cards. Put the chosen cards into the player’s graveyard and the rest into your hand. Then that player shuffles his or her library.
Verdict: It works, mostly. Searching an opponent’s library is difficult, unless they have a tappedout list (or similar) that they can provide easily, but we already have to do this with lobotomy-type effects. The other issue is putting cards you don’t own into your hand, but you can easily work around that. Next up, 2008.
Evil Presents || 2BB || Sorcery || Put a creature card from your hand into play under target opponent’s control. That creature attacks each turn if able ... and always attacks its controller.
Verdict: We need to come up with rules for what happens when you attack yourself, but other than that, this shouldn’t be too hard. Onwards to 2009!
Season’s Beatings || RRRR || Sorcery || Family gathering -- Each creature target player controls deals damage equal to its power to another random creature that player controls.
Verdict: We can use Q for randomization, so it works. We then go on to 2010’s promo.
Snow Mercy || 2WW || Snow Enchantment || Whenever a creature deals damage to you, put a globe counter on it. || {T}, {Q}, {T}, {Q}, {T}: Tap all creatures with globe counters on them.
Verdict: In case it isn’t clear, {Q} is the untap symbol, so this is just shaking a snow globe by tapping and untapping it over and over. It works. 2011’s promo is up next.
Yule Ooze || 2RG || Creature -- Ooze || 1/1 || At the beginning of your upkeep, destroy another nonland permanent chosen at random, then put a number of +1/+1 counters on Yule Ooze equal to that permanent’s converted mana cost. || {R}{G}, Eat some food: Regenerate Yule Ooze.
Verdict: Won’t work. We can’t be sure whether you eat food or not. 2012 gives us the next promo.
Naughty // Nice || 1BB // 1WW || Sorcery // Sorcery || Search another player’s library for a card and put that card into your hand. Then shuffle that player’s library. // Search your library for a card and put it into another player’s hand. Then shuffle your library.
Verdict: Well, from a power-level perspective, you always play Naughty, and never play Nice. That said, Nice has the better artwork. But yeah, this card works as well as Gifts Given does. Up next will be 2013’s promo.
Stocking Tiger || 5 || Artifact Creature -- Cat Construct || 3/3 || Stocking Tiger enters the battlefield with a sealed Magic booster pack under it. || When Stocking Tiger deals combat damage to a player, unwrap the booster pack and put it into your hand.
Verdict: See Booster Tutor. This faces all the same issues. I suppose the black-bordered card Lore Seeker also faces the same issues, now that I think about it, but it’s not like that is ever relevant for our purposes. Up next, 2014.
Mishra’s Toy Workshop || Land || {T}: Add {3} to your mana pool. Spend this mana only on spells and abilities that put tokens onto the battlefield. Use toys to represent the tokens.
Verdict: Won’t work.There’s huge debate over what counts as an ability that “puts tokens onto the battlefield”. I mean, would a card that has a “choose one” effect, one of which puts a token into play, let you use this mana, even if you choose a different effect? Dunno. Either way, we can’t enforce the use of toys. Though I suppose we could ignore that bit. 2015 is next.
Goblin Sleigh Ride || 1R || Sorcery || Target creature you control climbs onto Goblin Sleigh Ride. You slide them on their merry way. If the creature stayed on, it deals damage equal to its toughness to each other creature touched during the slide.
Verdict: Won’t work. Though I do love that “you slide them on their merry way” appears on the rules text of a Magic card. And finally, we come to the 2016 holiday promo.
Thopter Pie Network || 2UU || Enchantment || At the beginning of your upkeep, if you’re eating, create a 1/1 colorless Thopter artifact creature token with flying. Use food to represent the token. || Whenever a creature token you control dies, if it’s represented by food, eat it.
Verdict: We can do the token-making part. Enforcing the eating of the food, though, is impossible, so I’m inclined to say that this one won’t work.
And now we come to 2017. Before this year’s end, we’ll have another new holiday card, we’ll have three new silver-bordered cards that are going to be given out at Hascon, and we’ll have Unstable, which has “216-ish” cards in it. (That’s an exact number from Wizards of the Coast’s product page.)
With this in mind, perhaps we ought to re-think our philosophy on not allowing these cards. As I have proven, I think that there are a lot more that work online than don’t. So instead of banning all of them, why not just ban the ones that are problematic?
This essentially makes Unglued, Unhinged, and Happy Holidays cards all illegal.
On WyvernIRC, we have a similar policy: you’re not allowed to use the funny cards. God forbid you have fun while playing a game.
Now, with three new silver-bordered promos coming out in September for HASCON, and Unstable coming out on December 8th, we’re going to be getting a lot more funny stuff.
As such, I wonder if it’s worth examining the Un-cards and seeing if we should allow them or not. After all, the point of Magic is to have fun, so why not have fun?
Now, there are some Un-cards that just won’t work in an online setting, so those will obviously be excluded, but for those that do work, why not?
One notable thing is that when Unhinged was announced, Wizards made a point of saying that it was not going to be released on Magic Online, because that wouldn’t work. However, they have not said any such thing about Unstable. This makes me think that maybe they found a way to make it work with MTGO. If that’s the case, then I think it is worth examining the Un-cards.
We’ll start with Unglued. Unglued has a lot of cards that would work today. What was unacceptable in black-border back then is sometimes acceptable now. Let’s take a look:
Ashnod’s Coupon || 0 || Artifact || {T}, Sacrifice Ashnod’s Coupon: Target player gets you target drink. || Errata: You pay any costs for the drink.
Errata: The "cost" part of the effect is no longer classified as an errata. It is also no longer its own line of text. It simply carries on into the next sentence. "Target player gets you target drink. You pay any costs for the drink."
Promo: So, I have been informed that, in order to promote Unhinged, there were several silver-bordered cards that were made available in 2004 as Arena League Promos. They are all reprints of cards from Unhinged, save for this one, which was a reprint of a card from Unglued. It shouldn't affect whether we can play with it online or not, but given that this is silver-border, each printing of a card counts as a different card (note that all of the promos have different art than their original printings). So, in order to have a comprehensive list of silver-bordered cards, I am going to note the promo cards when we get to them, as I am here. (In addition to the cards listed, any token card that came from a silver-bordered set is also silver-bordered, so take that for what you will in regards to comprehensiveness.)
Verdict: Won’t work online. Keep this one banned.
B.F.M. (Big Furry Monster) || BBBBBBBBBBBBBBB || Summon The Biggest, Baddest, Nastiest, Scariest Creature You’ll Ever See || 99/99 || You must play both B.F.M. cards to put B.F.M. into play. If either B.F.M. card leaves play, sacrifice the other. || B.F.M. can be blocked only by three or more creatures.
Errata: "Summon" was changed to "Creature", "play" was changed to "cast", "If either B.F.M. card" was changed to "If one B.FM. card", "leaves play" has been changed to "leaves the battlefield", and "can only be blocked by" was changed to "can't be blocked except by".
Verdict: This seems acceptable, especially now that meld exists, which operates very similarly. It’s not exactly the same, but “two cards representing one permanent” isn’t unheard of anymore. This also plays identically to the LEGEND mechanic from Pokémon TCG’s HeartGold & SoulSilver expansion. So there is proof that it does work in a non-humorous TCG. The one question is whether a 99/99 with super-menace for fifteen mana is too overpowered or not. I could see an argument made in that direction. However, it has no form of protecting itself against removal, it has the downside of requiring all fifteen mana to be black, which isn’t exactly known for ramp spells, and you are required to have both halves to cast it. I don’t know how Magic would rule, but for Pokémon LEGEND cards, these two halves have the same name, so you’d only be able to include two copies of each before you hit the four-copy limit. Maybe the same thing can be done here. Oh, and btw, this slides really well into a devotion deck. Just saying.
Blacker Lotus || 0 || Artifact || {T}: Tear Blacker Lotus into pieces. Add four mana of any one color to your mana pool. Play this ability as a mana source. Remove the pieces from the game afterwards.
Errata: "Play this ability as a mana source" was removed. The word "afterwards" at the end was also removed.
Verdict: Doesn’t seem like this one works. I think I’d be okay with it if we had a strict “no proxies allowed” rule, but we don’t. In fact, we have the opposite. The entire point of the card is that you have to physically destroy it, thus ensuring that you have no way of using it ever again in any future game. With proxies, however, you can just say “okay, I proxy up a new copy”. And if we change the way this ability works to simply be an exile instead of a physical destruction, it makes the card way too overpowered.
Bronze Calendar || 4 || Artifact || Your spells cost {1} less to play as long as you speak in a voice other than your normal voice. || If you speak in your normal voice, sacrifice Bronze Calendar.
Errata: The first ability has been split up into two abilities. "Spells you cast cost {1} less to cast." and "You must speak in a voice other than your normal voice."
Verdict: I think this could work, albeit it would be weird. I would require the player to do something odd with their messages, such as capitalizing every other letter, or writing backwards, or something like that. Unfortunately, this could fall apart because of rooms. The effect of Bronze Calendar is supposed to apply to all speech, not just in-game speech, and we can’t monitor every room, considering that some are secret and some are PMs. Won’t work if we interpret it that way. We could make it affect only #mtg though.
Bureaucracy || 3UU || Enchantment || Pursuant to subsection 3.1(4) of Richard’s Rules of Order, during the upkeep of each participant in this game of the Magic: The Gathering® trading card game (hereafter known as “PLAYER”), that PLAYER performs all actions in the sequence of previously added actions (hereafter known as “ACTION QUEUE”), in the order those actions were added, then adds another action to the end of the ACTION QUEUE. All actions must be simple physical or verbal actions that a player can perform while sitting in a chair, without jeopardizing the health and security of said PLAYER. || If any PLAYER does not perform all the prescribed actions in the correct order, sacrifice Bureaucracy and said PLAYER discards his or her complement of cards in hand (hereafter known as “HAND”).
Errata: "during the upkeep" is now "at the beginning of the upkeep". The "If" at the beginning of the second ability now says "When" instead.
Verdict: While this could work via /me commands, the entire point of this is to turn it into a memory game, and logs prevent that from working.
Burning Cinder Fury of Crimson Chaos Fire || 3R || Enchantment || Whenever any player taps a card, that player gives control of that card to an opponent at end of turn. || If a player does not tap any nonland cards during his or her turn, Burning Cinder of Crimson Chaos Fire deals 3 damage to that player at end of turn.
Errata: This card has now been completely re-written. Its first ability now reads "Whenever any player taps a permanent, that player choose one of his or her opponents. The chosen player gains control of that permanent at the beginning of the next end step." I think it should be "chooses", but it's not. The second ability now reads "At the beginning of each player's end step, if that player didn't tap any nonland permanents this turn, Burning Cinder Fury of Crimson Chaos Fire deals 3 damage to that player."
Verdict: This works in black-border, so I see no problems with including it. The only weird thing about it is that it has a whacky card frame and has a weird name.
Cardboard Carapace || 5G || Enchant Creature || For each other Cardboard Carapace card you have with you, enchanted creature gets +1/+1. || Errata: This does not count any Cardboard Carapace cards in play that you control or in your graveyard, hand, or library.
Errata: This is now an "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant creature" has been moved to inside the text box. And rather than looking for an "other Cardboard Carapace card you have with you", it now looks for an "other card named Cardboard Carapace you have with you outside the game." The second line of text with the errata has been eliminated.
Verdict: Much like Blacker Lotus, this only works if we add a “no proxies allowed” rule. And I’m not too keen on doing that. Interestingly, this card mentions not to count cards in play or in the graveyard, hand, or library, but it fails to mention copies on the stack as well as copies in exile.
Censorship || U || Enchantment || When Censorship comes into play, choose a CENSORED word. Whenever any CENSORED player says the chosen CENSORED word, Censorship deals 2 CENSORED damage to him or her.
Errata: The "CENSORED" bits have been removed from the Oracle text. "When Censorship comes into play" is now "As Censorship enters the battlefield." "Whenever any player" is now "Whenever a player". Rather than doing 2 damage to "him or her", Censorship now deals 2 damage to "that player". I guess they felt the need to include non-binary players. Additionally, this text has now been split into two abilities. The choosing of the word is the first ability, and the damage is the second.
Verdict: Works for me. Though, much like Bronze Calendar, we’d have to restrict it only to #mtg and not all rooms. Just monitor that person’s text. Maybe add #mtgdiscussion as well.
Chaos Confetti || 4 || Artifact || {4}, {T}: Tear Chaos Confetti into pieces. Throw the pieces onto the playing area from a distance of at least five feet. Destroy each card in play that a piece touches. Remove the pieces from the game afterwards.
Errata: "The playing area" is now "the battlefield", a "card in play" is now a "permanent", and the word "afterwards" has been removed from the Oracle text.
Verdict: Won’t work. See Blacker Lotus. Additionally, the physical dexterity also makes online play a problem.
Charm School || 2W || Enchant Player || When Charm School comes into play, choose a color and balance Charm School on your head. || Prevent all damage to you of the chosen color. || If Charm School falls off your head, sacrifice Charm School.
Errata: "When Charm School comes into play" is now "As Charm School enters the battlefield". The "If" at the beginning of the third ability is now a "When".
Verdict: Won’t work. We could ask players to balance a card on their head in real life and be honest with us. After all, honesty is how we operate in regards to deck shuffles. But the issue is that plenty of people don’t use real cards, and may not have them available to balance.
Checks and Balances || 2U || Enchantment || Whenever any spell is played, counter that spell if each player, other than the caster and his or her teammates, agrees to choose and discard a card. Those players must discard those cards after agreeing. || Checks and Balances may only be played in a game with three or more players.
Errata: This card has gotten a complete re-write. The first ability now says "Cast Checks and Balances only if there are three or more players in the game." And the second ability says "Whenever a player casts a spell, each of that player's opponents may discard a card. If they do, counter that spell."
Verdict: This works. It is weird as hell, and nearly useless due to that last clause, and the fact that the majority of our games are two-player. But still, I don’t have a problem with allowing this. It’ll just be sitting in your hand forever, unable to be cast, unless it’s a threesome. And if it is, then the effect works just fine.
Chicken á la King || 1UU || Summon Chicken || 2/2 || Whenever a 6 is rolled on a six-sided die, put a +1/+1 counter on each Chicken in play. (You may roll dice only when a card instructs you to.) || Tap a Chicken you control: Roll a six-sided die.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The words "in play" have been removed from the first ability. The reminder text now says "You may roll dice only when instructed to." This presumably now includes dice that aren't rolled due to card effects, such as the planar die in Planechase. Lastly, the cost to activate the second ability now specifically says to tap an untapped Chicken. You can no longer tap an already-tapped Chicken.
Verdict: We can use Q to simulate dice rolls, so no issue there. The only weird part is that Chicken is not a creature type in black-border, so we’d have to make a call on what we want to count as a Chicken beyond the Unglued cards. Zodiac Rooster from Portal Three Kingdoms is the only questionable one. That should be a Chicken, yet by Oracle text, it is not. It is a Bird. I’d say we count it as a Chicken. Though if you run Zodiac Rooster in your deck, you are probably not winning this game.
Chicken Egg || 1R || Summon Egg || 0/1 || During your upkeep, roll a six-sided die. On a 6, sacrifice Chicken Egg and put a Giant Chicken token into play. Treat this token as a 4/4 red creature that counts as a Chicken.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", and the card's ability has gotten a complete re-write. It now reads "At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die. If you roll a 6, sacrifice Chicken Egg and create a 4/4 red Giant Chicken creature token."
Verdict: This works.
Clambassadors || 3U || Summon Clamfolk || 4/4 || If Clambassadors damages any player, choose an artifact, creature, or land you control. That player gains control of that artifact, creature, or land.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The trigger on the ability is now "Whenever Clambassadors deals damage to a player", and that player no longer gains control of that "artifact, creature, or land", but instead gains control of that "permanent".
Verdict: This works.
Clam-I-Am || 2U || Summon Clamfolk || 2/2 || Whenever you roll a 3 on a six-sided die, you may reroll that die.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", and "Whenever" is now "If".
Verdict: If we can get Krark’s Thumb to work, which is black-bordered, then I don’t see why this should be a problem.
Clam Session || 1UU || Summon Clamfolk || 2/5 || When Clam Session comes into play, choose a word. || During your upkeep, sing at least six words of a song, one of which must be the chosen word, or sacrifice Clam Session. You cannot repeat a song.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", "When Clam Session comes into play" is now "As Clam Session enters the battlefield", and the second ability got a complete re-write. It now reads "At the beginning of your upkeep, you may sing at least six words of a song, at least one of which is the chosen word. If you don't, sacrifice Clam Session. You can't repeat a song."
Verdict: Obviously we can’t embarrass people by forcing them to sing, but we can make them type it into the chat. For best results, btw, choose the word “love”. Also, I suggest we ban Google/Wikipedia while this card is in play. Don’t want people to cheat it. And you can enforce that with the honor system. Same way we enforce deck shuffles.
Clay Pigeon || 3 || Artifact Creature || 1/1 || Flying || {1}, Throw Clay Pigeon into the air at least two feat above your head while seated, Attempt to catch it with one hand: If you catch Clay Pigeon, prevent all damage to you from any one source and return Clay Pigeon to play, tapped. Otherwise, sacrifice it.
Errata: This has now gained the "Bird" creature type. "Attempt to catch it with one hand" is no longer part of the cost, so you are not required to try anymore, but the "If you catch Clay Pigeon" part now says "If you catch Clay Pigeon with one hand", so you still need to get it. Rather than preventing all damage "to you from any one source", it now prevents all damage "a source of your choice would deal to you this turn". The printed text says to "return Clay Pigeon to play, tapped", but Clay Pigeon never actually leaves play, so it now simply says to "tap Clay Pigeon".
Verdict: Won’t work online due to manual dexterity.
Common Courtesy || 2UU || Enchantment || Counter any spell unless its caster asks your permission to play that spell. If you refuse permission, Sacrifice Common Courtesy and counter that spell.
Errata: This card got a complete re-write. Its first ability now reads "Whenever a player casts a spell without asking your permission when casting it, counter that spell." Its second ability now reads "When a player asks you permission to cast a spell and you refuse, counter that spell and sacrifice Common Courtesy."
Verdict: This works for me. And it’s hilarious.
Deadhead || 3B || Summon Zombie || 3/3 || Put Deadhead into play. Use this ability only if any opponent loses contact with his or her hand of cards and only if Deadhead is in your graveyard.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The ability has been rewritten to now read "{0}: Return Deadhead from your graveyard to the battlefield. Activate this ability only if an opponent isn't touching his or her hand (of cards)." The reminder text specifying that they mean hand of cards is hilarious.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Denied! || U || Interrupt || Play Denied! only as any opponent casts target spell. Name a card, then look at all cards in that player’s hand. If the named card is in the player’s hand, counter target spell.
Errata: "Interrupt" is now "Instant". The effect has been re-written to "Choose a card name, then target spell's controller reveals his or her hand. If a card with the chosen name is revealed this way, counter that spell."
Verdict: This works, provided that we change Interrupt to Instant.
Double Cross || 3BB || Sorcery || Choose another player. Look at that player’s hand and choose one of those cards other than a basic land. He or she discards that card. At the beginning of the next game with the player, look at the player’s hand and choose one of those cards other than a basic land. He or she discards that card.
Errata: Rather than choosing "one of those cards other than a basic land", you now choose "a card other than a basic land from it". This applies to both instances of that text on that card. Additionally, "He or she" is now "That player". And rather than happening "At the beginning of the next game with that player", the delayed trigger now happens "At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player".
Verdict: It works, but I hate it. It’s just going to lead to your opponent saying “Okay, I’m never playing Magic with you again.”
Double Deal || 4R || Sorcery || Choose another player. Double Deal deals 3 damage to that player now and deals an additional 3 damage to the player at the beginning of the next game with the player.
Errata: This text got a complete re-write. It now reads "Choose another player. Double Deal deals 3 damage to that player. At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, Double Deal deals 3 damage to that player." Waiting for the upkeep is necessary as the ability would need to go on the stack, and it is impossible for things to go onto the stack until then.
Verdict: See above.
Double Dip || 4W || Instant || Choose another player. Gain 5 life now and an additional 5 life at the beginning of the next game with that player.
Errata: "Gain 5 life now" is now "You gain 5 life." The second part of the effect now says "At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, you gain 5 life."
Verdict: See above.
Double Play || 3GG || Sorcery || Choose another player. Search your library for a basic land and put that land into play. At the beginning of the next game with that player, search your library for an additional basic land and put that land into play. In both cases, shuffle your library afterwards.
Errata: This card got a complete re-write. It now reads "Choose another player. Search your library for a basic land card, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle your library. At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, search your library for a basic land card, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle your library."
Verdict: Once again, see above. This cycle sucks.
Double Take || 3UU || Instant || Choose another player. Draw two cards now and draw an additional two cards at the beginning of the next game with that player.
Errata: "Draw two cards now" is now "You draw two cards." The second part of the effect now says "At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, you draw two cards."
Verdict: Can I just take a moment to appreciate that the artist name is Claymore J. Flapdoodle? That’s amazing. Regarding an actual verdict, see above.
Elvish Impersonators || 3G || Summon Elves || */* || When you play Elvish Impersonators, roll two six-sided dice one after the other. Elvish Impersonators comes into play with power equal to the first die roll and toughness equal to the second.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", but interestingly, the creature type did not change, so it is still "Elves", rather than "Elf". The ability has been re-written to now read "As Elvish Impersonators enters the battlefield, roll a six-sided die twice. Its base power becomes the first result and its base toughness becomes the second result."
Verdict: Q is, in fact, capable of performing multiple dice rolls. Works for me.
Flock of Rabid Sheep || XGG || Sorcery || Flip X coins; an opponent calls heads or tails. For each flip you win, put a Rabid Sheep token into play. Treat these tokens as 2/2 green creatures that count as Sheep.
Errata: This card got a complete re-write, and it now reads "Flip X coins. For each flip you win, create a 2/2 green Sheep creature token named Rabid Sheep."
Verdict: I have no idea how the hell this is an Un-Card. It seems perfectly reasonable to me.
Fowl Play || 2U || Enchant Creature || Enchanted creature loses all abilities and is a 1/1 creature that counts as a Chicken.
Errata: This is now an "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant creature" is now in the text box. The ability now reads "Enchanted creature is a Chicken with base power and toughness 1/1 and loses all abilities."
Verdict: Lignify and Darksteel Mutation both do this same thing (albeit with a different creature type), so this works.
Free-for-All || 3U || Enchantment || When Free-for-All comes into play, set aside all creatures in play, face down. || During each player’s upkeep, that player chooses a creature card at random from those set aside in this way and puts that creature into play under his or her control. || If Free-for-All leaves play, put each creature still set aside this way into its owner’s graveyard.
Errata: "set aside" is now "exile". The second ability now reads "At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player chooses a card exiled with Free-for-All at random and puts it onto the battlefield." The third ability now reads "When Free-for-All leaves the battlefield, put all cards exiled with it into their owners' graveyards." I am also just now realizing that this will kill any creature tokens that are in play.
Verdict: If we treat “set aside” as “exile”, then this works in black-border. We just need to have Q randomize it for us. Yeah, we can’t really do it “face down”, but tbh I don’t see why that’s required with this card either. I mean, is it just to stop you from using double-faced cards with it? That seems odd, given that this card was printed more than a decade before double-faced cards ever existed.
Free-Range Chicken || 3G || Summon Chicken || 3/3 || {1}{G}: Roll two six-sided dice. If both die rolls are the same, Free-Range Chicken gets +X/+X until end of turn, where X is the number rolled on each die. Otherwise, if the total rolled is equal to any other total you have rolled this turn for Free-Range Chicken, sacrifice it. (For example, if you roll two 3s, Free-Range Chicken gets +3/+3. If you roll a total of 6 for Free-Range Chicken later in that turn, sacrifice it.)
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". Rather than looking for if both "die rolls" are the same, you are now looking for if both "results" are the same. X is now "that result", rather than "the number rolled on each die". The word "Otherwise" has been removed from the Oracle text. The word "in" has been removed from the reminder text.
Verdict: This works.
Gerrymandering || 2G || Sorcery || Remove all lands from play and shuffle them together. Randomly deal to each player one land card for each land he or she had before. Each player puts those lands into play under his or her control, untapped.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written to now say "Exile all lands. Give each player a number of those cards chosen at random equal to the number of those cards the player controlled. Each player returns those cards to the battlefield under that player's control."
Verdict: I never thought I’d be saying this sentence in my life ever, but: I believe that Gerrymandering is good.
Get a Life || W || Instant || Target player and each of his or her teammates exchange life totals.
Errata: "his or her" is now "that player's".
Verdict: This card is the worst card I’ve ever seen, from a power-level perspective. It does work technically, but the most commonly played team format is Two-Headed Giant, where teammates share a life total. Still, for other formats, such as Archenemy, this works.
Ghazbán Ogress || G || Summon Ogre || 2/2 || When Ghazbán Ogress comes into play, the player who has won the most Magic games that day gains control of it. If more than one player has won the same number of games, you retain control of Ghazbán Ogress.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", and the ability has been re-written as "When Ghazbán Ogress enters the battlefield, if one player has won more Magic games that day than any other player, that player gains control of Ghazbán Ogress."
Verdict: This won’t work because we don’t know how long a “day” is online, due to time zones being a thing. My day has only lasted 10 hours so far, but yours has lasted 17. Doesn’t seem fair. Plus, we rarely play more than one game a day anyways, assuming we only count games played on IRC.
Giant Fan || 4 || Artifact || {2}, {T}: Move target counter from one card to another. If the second card’s rules text refers to any type of counters, the moved counter becomes one of those counters. Otherwise, it becomes a +1/+1 counter.
Errata: You now remove "a" counter rather than "target" counter, and it moves "from one permanent onto another", rather than "from one card to another". The clause at the start of the second sentence now says "If the second permanent refers to any kind of counter," and the rest of the text remains unchanged.
Verdict: This works. One neat little trick is that the Comprehensive Rules state that planeswalker cards are treated as though their text box said “CARDNAME enters the battlefield with N loyalty counters on it”, so this would become loyalty counters with regards to planeswalkers.
Goblin Bookie || R || Summon Goblin || 1/1 || {R}, {T}: Reflip any coin or reroll any die.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", and reminder text has been added that says "(Activate this ability only any time it makes sense.)"
Verdict: They already made this card in black border. It’s called Krark’s Thumb.
Goblin Bowling Team || 3R || Summon Goblins || 1/1 || Whenever Goblin Bowling Team damages any creature or player, roll a six-sided die. Goblin Bowling Team deals to that creature or player additional damage equal to the die roll.
Errata: "Summon Goblins" is now "Creature -- Goblin". The ability has been re-written to now read "If Goblin Bowling Team would deal damage to a creature or player, it deals that much damage plus the result of a six-sided die roll to that creature or player instead."
Verdict: This is fine. The one questionable part is the creature type being “Goblins” instead of “Goblin”. I vote that we rule that it counts as a Goblin.
Goblin Tutor || R || Instant || Roll a six-sided die for Goblin Tutor. On a 1, Goblin Tutor has no effect. Otherwise, search your library for the indicated card, reveal that card to all players, and put it into your hand. Shuffle your library afterwards. || 2 -- Any Goblin Tutor || 3 -- Any enchantment || 4 -- Any artifact || 5 -- Any creature || 6 -- Any sorcery, instant, or interrupt
Errata: This card has been completely rewritten. The first part of it now says "Roll a six-sided die. If you roll a 1, Goblin Tutor has no effect. Otherwise, search your library for the indicated card, reveal it, and put it into your hand, then shuffle your library." The results for the other numbers now read "A card named Goblin Tutor", "An enchantment card", "An artifact card", "A creature card", and "An instant or sorcery card".
Verdict: I’m okay with this. Obviously you have to delete the words “or interrupt”, but that’s easily done.
Growth Spurt || 1G || Instant || Roll a six-sided die. Target creature gets +X/+X until end of turn, where X is equal to the die roll.
Errata: Rather than "X is equal to the die roll", now "X is the result".
Verdict: This works.
Gus || 2G || Summon Gus || 2/2 || Gus comes into play with one +1/+1 counter on it for each game you have lost to your opponent since you last won a Magic game against him or her.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". "Comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". "One +1/+1 counter" is now "a +1/+1 counter". "Each game" is now "each Magic game". "Your opponent" is now "one of your opponents". "Him or her" is now "that opponent".
Verdict: I like how it just says “game” for the first clause, but “Magic game” for the second. Do games of Uno count? Just kidding. I assume we will rule that it has to be Magic games. This would be a pain to keep track of, so although I think it would work online, I am going to have to request that we not.
Handcuffs || 3BB || Enchantment || Target player keeps both hands in contact with each other. If he or she does not, sacrifice Handcuffs and that player sacrifices three cards in play.
Errata: This card has now been completely rewritten to now have two abilities. Its first ability says "As Handcuffs enters the battlefield, choose a player." Its second ability says "When the chosen player's hands aren't touching each other, sacrifice Handcuffs and that player sacrifices three permanents."
Verdict: Won’t work.
Hungry Hungry Heifer || 2G || Summon Cow || 3/3 || During your upkeep, remove a counter from any card you control or sacrifice Hungry Hungry Heifer.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". "During your upkeep," is now "At the beginning of your upkeep, you may", "any card you control" is now "a permanent you control". And "or sacrifice" is now a separate sentence that says "If you don't, sacrifice".
Verdict: Moo. Also, this works.
Hurloon Wrangler || 2R || Summon Minotaur || 2/2 || Denimwalk (If defending player is wearing any clothing made of denim, this creature is unblockable.)
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The reminder text has been re-written to be "(This creature can't be blocked as long as defending player is wearing denim.)"
Verdict: There’s no way to confirm this, so it won’t work.
I’m Rubber, You’re Glue || WW || Enchantment || Speak only in rhyming sentences. If you do not, sacrifice I’m Rubber, You’re Glue. || Say “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Everything bounces off me and sticks to you”: Target spell or ability, which targets only you, targets another player of your choice instead. (The new target must be legal.)
Errata: This has been completely re-written. The first ability now reads "When you speak in non-rhyming sentences, sacrifice I'm Rubber, You're Glue." The second ability now reads "Say 'I'm rubber, you're glue. Everything bounces off me and sticks to you': Change the target of target spell or ability that targets only you."
Verdict: Again, we will have to rule that this is only applies to posts in #mtg, and possibly also in #mtgdiscussion, but man, not only do I think this could work, but I *really* want to use it. This seems like it would be fun.
Incoming! || 4GGGG || Sorcery || Each player searches his or her library for any number of artifacts, creatures, enchantments, and lands and puts those cards into play. Each player shuffles his or her library afterwards.
Errata: The sentence now says "Each player searches his or her library for any number of artifact, creature, enchantment, and/or land cards, puts them onto the battlefield, then shuffles his or her library.
Verdict: OH MY GOD. This just puts your entire deck into play. That is awesome. This is gonna trigger so many enters-the-battlefield effects and then get confusing judge calls, but it does work. Still, for the rules confusion, I vote no.
Infernal Spawn of Evil || 6BBB || Summon Demon Beast || 7/7 || Flying, first strike || {1}{B}, Reveal Infernal Spawn of Evil from your hand, Say “It’s coming!”: Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 1 damage to target opponent. Use this ability only during your upkeep and only once each upkeep.
Errata: "Summon Demon Beast" is now "Creature -- Beast". The "!" at the end of "It's coming!" has been removed. "Use this ability" is now "Activate this ability". And the final word written on the card was changed from "upkeep" to "turn". I guess this is no longer a good combo with Paradox Haze.
Verdict: This works, with the caveat that we have to rule that you keep this card revealed until the end of your upkeep. Otherwise, if you have two of them, there’s no way to know whether you’re revealing the same copy or a different one. We’d also have to make a ruling on its creature type. The physical card shows it as “Demon”, but then that’s crossed out with “Beast” written on it instead.
Jack-in-the-Mox || 0 || Artifact || {T}: Roll a six-sided die for Jack-in-the-Mox. On a 1, sacrifice Jack-in-the-Mox and lose 5 life. Otherwise, Jack-in-the-Mox has one of the following effects. Treat this ability as a mana source. || 2 -- Add {W} to your mana pool. || 3 -- Add {U} to your mana pool. || 4 -- Add {B} to your mana pool. || 5 -- Add {R} to your mana pool. || 6 -- Add {G} to your mana pool.
Errata: The first line now says "{T}: Roll a six-sided die. This ability has the indicated effect." Then there's an additional line added that says "1 -- Sacrifice Jack-in-the-Mox and you lose 5 life." The rest of the card still reads exactly the same.
Verdict: This is an interesting card. It generates a mana of any color for free, but it could color-screw you if you get the wrong color. And there’s a 1/6 chance of it blowing up in your face. Might be too overpowered, but the downside of rolling a 1 is pretty catastrophic. Regardless, this works.
Jalum Grifter || 3RR || Summon Legend || 3/5 || {1}{R}, {T}: Put Jalum Grifter and two lands you control face down in front of target opponent after revealing each card to him or her. Then, rearrange the order of the three cards as often as you wish, keeping them on the table at all times. That opponent then chooses one of those cards. If a land is chosen, destroy target card in play. Otherwise, sacrifice Jalum Grifter.
Errata: "Summon Legend" is now "Legendary Creature -- Devil". The ability has been rewritten to now say "{1}{R}, {T}: Shuffle Jalum Grifter and two lands you control face down. Target opponent chooses one of those cards. Turn the cards face up. If the opponent chose Jalum Grifter, sacrifice it. Otherwise, destroy target permanent." Interestingly, this functionally changes the card to be effectively random, meaning that I think this one now works online.
Verdict: While we could make this work by randomizing it instead, I don’t think that’s what the design of the card wants you to do. It wants you to play a “watch the cups” game. And there’s no way to simulate that online.
Jester’s Sombrero || 2 || Artifact || {2}, {T}, Sacrifice Jester’s Sombero: Look through target player’s sideboard and remove any three of those cards from it for the remainder of the match.
Errata: This has been re-written. The ability now says "{2}, {T}, Sacrifice Jester's Sombrero: Look at target player's sideboard, choose three cards from it, and remove those cards from the match."
Verdict: I mean, this works. The problem is that in 99.999999% of WyvernIRC games, players don’t have sideboards, so this is just gonna sit in play doing nothing. But if you want to put it in your deck, sure, why not? I guess it helps with Metalcraft and Affinity for artifacts.
Jumbo Imp || 2B || Summon Imp || 0/0 || Flying || When you play Jumbo Imp, roll a six-sided die. Jumbo Imp comes into play with a number of +1/+1 counters on it equal to the die roll. || During your upkeep, roll a six-sided die and put on Jumbo Imp a number of +1/+1 counters equal to the die roll. || At the end of your turn, roll a six-sided die and remove from Jumbo Imp a number of +1/+1 counters equal to the die roll.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The second ability (remember, the first ability is flying) now says "As Jumbo Imp enters the battlefield, roll a six-sided die. Jumbo Imp enters the battlefield with a number of +1/+1 counters on it equal to the result." The third ability says "At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die and put a number of +1/+1 counters on Jumbo Imp equal to the result." The final ability says "At the beginning of your end step, roll a six-sided die and remove a number of +1/+1 counters from Jumbo Imp equal to the result."
Verdict: This works. Playing with fire, though.
Knight of the Hokey Pokey || WW || Summon Knight || 2/2 || First strike || {1}{W}, Do the Hokey Pokey (Stand up, wiggle your butt, raise your hands above your head, and shake them wildly as you rotate 360 degrees): Prevent all damage to Knight of the Hokey Pokey from any one source.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". The reminder text in the cost has been removed. The ability now says "Prevent all damage a source of your choice would deal to Knight of the Hokey Pokey this turn." Reminder text was also added after the ability to say "(To do the Hokey Pokey, put your right foot in. Put your right foot out. Put your right foot in. Shake it all about. Repeat this process for your left foot, right arm, left arm, and whole self.)" So I guess they updated it to be the actual hokey pokey. Well, okay, not really. You know the lyrics of the song? You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put right foot in, and you shake it all about, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about? Well, one of those steps says "you do the hokey pokey", which seems to imply a recursive loop. However, the card's printed reminder text is what this lyric is actually referring to. That's what the hokey pokey was originally. But nowadays, people just think of the song, so I guess they issued errata to match this. That's what it's all about.
Verdict: You look at the card, you read its rules text, you think about whether it should be legal or not, and then you shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you rule that this won’t work online. That’s what it’s all about!
Krazy Kow || 3R || Summon Cow || 3/3 || During your upkeep, roll a six-sided die. On a 1, sacrifice Krazy Kow and it deals 3 damage to each creature and player.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". "During your upkeep" is now "At the beginning of your upkeep". "On a 1" is now "If you roll a 1". And "each creature and player" is now "each creature and each player".
Verdict: Moo. Also, this works.
Landfill || 4R || Sorcery || Choose a land type. Remove from play all lands of that type that you control. Drop those cards, one at a time, onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot. Destroy each card in play that is completely covered by those cards. Then return to play, tapped, all lands dropped in this way.
Errata: The second sentence now says "Exile all lands you control of that type." A "card in play" is now a "permanent", and the words "that is" were removed. The final sentence has been re-written as "Then return the cards you dropped to the battlefield tapped."
Verdict: It won’t work.
Lexivore || 3W || Summon Beast || 2/3 || If Lexivore damages any player, destroy target card in play, other than Lexivore, with the most lines of text in its text box. (If more than one card has the most lines of text, you choose which of those cards to destroy.)
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". A "card in play" is now a "permanent". The commas surrounding the phrase "other than Lexivore" have been removed. The reminder text has changed to "(If two or more cards are tied, target any one of them.)"
Verdict: Well, technically, this works. However, there are several issues with it that we’d need to address, to the point where it may not be worth it. First of all, different cards have multiple printings. For example, Serra Angel’s printing in Alpha said “Does not tap when attacking.” Starting with Revised, it was changed to “Attacking does not cause Serra Angel to tap.” Then 7th Edition changed “does not” to “doesn’t”. Then Ninth Edition changed it to Vigilance. So we have to indicate which VERSION of the card we’re playing. Moreover, does reminder text count? Serra Angel had reminder text for flying in Eighth Edition, Ninth Edition, Magic 2015, Magic Origins, Welcome Deck 2016, and Welcome Deck 2017. Meanwhile, it had Vigilance reminder text in Ninth Edition, Tenth Edition, Magic 2010, Magic 2011, Magic 2012, Magic 2013, Magic 2014, Magic 2015, Magic Origins, Welcome Deck 2016, and Welcome Deck 2017. And while we’re on the topic, does flavor text count? Serra Angel has had five different flavor texts over the course of its 29 printings, and I’m sure that it’s not even the most egregious offender. As a follow-up question, how do we deal with line breaks, exactly? Akroma, Angel of Wrath has several abilities, but they’re all listed together with a bunch of commas. Would it have been any different if each was given its own line? I recommend we count characters instead of lines, and we use the Oracle text to do so, that way JaceBot can help. And we can just use an online character counting tool to do this. However, then we have to remember to remove the pipeline characters that JaceBot uses to denote line breaks. This still leaves the issue of whether or not reminder text counts. We can remove it if we rule it doesn’t, but man, this card is causing a lot of trouble. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that we shouldn’t allow it.
Look at Me, I’m the DCI || 5WW || Sorcery || Ban one card, other than a basic land, for the remainder of the match. (For the remainder of the match, each player removes from the game all copies of that card in play or in any graveyard, hand, library, or sideboard.)
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now reads "Ban a card other than a basic land card for the rest of the match. (All cards with that name in any zone or sideboard are removed from the match.)"
Verdict: That’s fine, but I’d like to issue some sort of ruling on what happens if you target a commander with this in EDH. I’m okay with saying that you can’t do it, or allowing the owner of the commander to put it back in the command zone instead of this. But for non-EDH games, as well as targeting the player’s 99 cards in EDH, this is fine.
Mesa Chicken || WW || Summon Chicken || 2/2 || Stand up, flap your arms, Cluck like a chicken: Mesa Chicken gains flying until end of turn.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature".
Verdict: Um, judge? What makes a cluck sufficiently chicken-like? Yeah, this won’t work. Luckily, it doesn’t need to, because you can just run Leonin Skyhunter or Kor Aeronaut instead.
Mine, Mine, Mine! || 4GG || Enchantment || When Mine, Mine, Mine! comes into play, each player puts his or her library into his or her hand. || Each player skips his or her discard phase and does not lose as a result of being unable to draw a card. || Each player cannot play more than one spell each turn. || If Mine, Mine, Mine! leaves play, each player shuffles his or her hand and graveyard into his or her library.
Errata: The first ability has "comes into play" changed to "enters the battlefield". The second ability has been completely re-written to read "Players have no maximum hand size and don't lose the game for drawing from an empty library." The third ability has "cannot play" changed to "can't cast". The fourth ability has "play" changed to "the battlefield".
Verdict: Oh god no. I mean, technically this works, but it makes the game so confusing that I’d honestly stop playing as soon as this hits the board. I wouldn’t know what to do with so many options. By the way, fun fact about the way this card is worded: If you destroy it, then the last ability will trigger, causing players to have to shuffle everything back into their non-existent libraries. While that trigger is on the stack, you could cast a draw spell, target your opponent with it, and have them lose the game. Just saying.
Mirror Mirror || 7 || Artifact || Mirror Mirror comes into play tapped. || {7}, {T}, Sacrifice Mirror Mirror: At end of turn, exchange life totals with target player and exchange all cards in play that you control, and all cards in your hand, library, and graveyard, with that player until end of game.
Errata: In the first ability, "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The second ability has been completely re-written to now read "{7}, {T}, Sacrifice Mirror Mirror: Choose target player. At the beginning of the next end step, exchange life totals with that player, exchange control of all permanents you and that player control, and exchange cards in your hands, cards in your libraries, and cards in your graveyards."
Verdict: Won’t work. Yeah, you could get it to work, if you treat this as a permanent Mindslaver that both sides get (except that you are still trying to win rather than lose, because you are still you, not your opponent). However, as I have discovered when I played an Emrakul, the Promised End, it is a total bitch to get Mindslaver effects to work online. So I’d rather just not.
Miss Demeanor || 3W || Summon Lady of Proper Etiquette || 3/1 || Flying, first strike || During each other player’s turn, compliment that player on his or her game play or sacrifice Miss Demeanor.
Errata: The final ability has now been re-written to now read "At the beginning of each other player's upkeep, you may compliment that player on his or her game play. If you don't, sacrifice Miss Demeanor."
Verdict: This works. Also, have I mentioned that you look really nice today?
Once More With Feeling || WWWW || Sorcery || Remove Once More With Feeling from the game as well as all cards in play and in all graveyards. Each player shuffles his or her hand into his or her library, then draws seven cards. Each player’s life total is set to 10. || DCI Ruling: This card is restricted. (You cannot play with more than one in a deck.)
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. Its first ability now reads "Exile all permanents and all cards from all graveyards. Each player shuffles his or her hand into his or her library, then draws seven cards. Each player's life total becomes 10. Exile Once More with Feeling." Its second ability now reads "DCI ruling -- A deck can have only one card named Once More with Feeling."
Verdict: This works. It’s like a cross between Karn Liberated’s ultimate, and Reno Jackson’s battlecry from Hearthstone.
Organ Harvest || B || Sorcery || You and your teammates may sacrifice any number of creatures. For each creature sacrificed this way, add {B}{B} to your mana pool.
Errata: "You and your teammates" is now "Your team" and the word "you" has been added after the comma.
Verdict: This works.
Ow || B || Enchantment || Whenever any creature damages a player, for each Ow card in play, that player says “Ow” once or Ow deals 1 damage to him or her.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written to now read "Whenever a creature deals damage to a player, that player may say 'Ow' once for each permanent named Ow. If the player doesn't, Ow deals 1 damage to him or her.
Verdict: I’m okay with it. Note though, that the way this is worded, the effect accumulates, because each Ow card would trigger causing you to do it multiple times. For example, if there are two Ow cards in play, you’d have to say “Ow” four times. Twice for the first Ow and twice for the second Ow. If there were three, you’d have to say “Ow” nine times. And if there were four, sixteen times. And if they somehow found a way to make an infinite number of token copies of Ow, or even just a few million, then you’d be saying “Ow” endlessly until the ops kick you for spamming the channel. At that point, it would probably be better to just take the damage instead of saying “Ow”.
Paper Tiger || 4 || Artifact Creature || 4/3 || Rock Lobsters cannot attack or block.
Errata: This card now has the "Cat" creature type. The ability now says "Creatures named Rock Lobster can't attack or block."
Verdict: This works. We would have to change it to say “Cards named Rock Lobster”, but that’s easily done.
Poultrygeist || 2B || Summon Chicken || 1/1 || Flying || Whenever a creature is put into any graveyard from play, you may roll a six-sided die. On a 1, sacrifice Poultrygeist. Otherwise, put a +1/+1 counter on Poultrygeist.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature", "is put into any graveyard from play" is now "dies", and "On a 1" is now "If you roll a 1".
Verdict: This works.
Prismatic Wardrobe || W || Sorcery || Destroy target card that does not share a color with clothing worn by its controller. You cannot choose an artifact or land card.
Errata: This card has now been completely re-written to now say "Destroy target nonartifact, nonland permanent that doesn't share a color with clothing worn by its controller."
Verdict: Won’t work, because we can’t see what you’re wearing.
Psychic Network || U || Enchantment || Each player reveals the top card of his or her library to all players by continuously holding it against his or her forehead. This does not allow a player to look at his or her own card. (That card still counts as the top card of your library. Whenever you draw a card, draw that one and replace it with the next card of your library.)
Errata: This card has now been completely re-written to now say "Each player plays with the top card of his or her library held against his or her forehead, revealed to each other player." There is no longer any reminder text.
Verdict: Not only won’t this work, but it REALLY won’t work. Like, this goes against the very idea of online play with TCGs.
Ricochet || R || Enchantment || Whenever any spell targets a single player, each player rolls a six-sided die. That spell is redirected to the player or players with the lowest die roll. If two or more players tie for the lowest die roll, they reroll until there is no tie.
Errata: This card has been re-written. It now reads "Whenever a player casts a spell that targets a single player, each player rolls a six-sided die. Change the target of that spell to the player with the lowest result. Reroll to break ties, if necessary."
Verdict: Works for me.
Rock Lobster || 4 || Artifact Creature || 4/3 || Scissors Lizards cannot attack or block.
Errata: This card has gained the creature type "Lobster", which isn't a real creature type in black-bordered Magic. Its ability now reads "Creatures named Scissors Lizard can't attack or block."
Verdict: See Paper Tiger.
Scissors Lizard || 4 || Artifact Creature || 4/3 || Paper Tigers cannot attack or block.
Errata: This card has gained the "Lizard" creature type and the ability now reads "Creatures named Paper Tiger can't attack or block."
Verdict: See Paper Tiger.
Sex Appeal || W || Instant || Prevent up to 3 damage total to any number of creatures and/or players. If there are more players in the room of the opposite sex, prevent up to 3 additional damage total to any number of creatures and/or players.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written to now read "Prevent the next 3 damage that would be dealt this turn to a number of target creatures and/or players, divided as you choose. If there are more people in the room of a different gender than you are as you cast this spell, prevent the next 6 damage this way instead." So I guess it now is playable by people who are non-binary.
Verdict: While this probably worked fine in 1998 when the card was printed, we now have to deal with a new aspect of sex that wasn’t really well-known before: gender identity. When I play this card, am I allowed to spontaneously declare that I now identify as female, just to get the extra damage prevention? And then change back immediately after it resolves. Seems like cheating, so I vote that we rule you can’t do that. But if that’s the case, then how do we handle people who are actually trans? Like, do we rule that you have to go by whatever genitalia you have? If so, that’s monstrously offensive to anyone who is transgender. Not to mention that, being online, we have no way of knowing whether you are being truthful or not. Unless you make people post pictures of their genitals. Which... no. For one thing, it would be impossible to confirm that this isn’t someone else in the photo. I mean, yes, there are reverse image searches, but you could still take a picture of someone else. A picture that isn’t out on the Internet until you put it there. I mean, this is just a whole can of worms that I don’t want to get into. Not only do I vote no on allowing this card, but I honestly don’t even think that this card works offline either. Like, how would you handle the transgender community? This just won’t work.
Sorry || UU || Enchantment || Before playing any spell, if a copy of that spell card is in any graveyard, the spell’s caster may say “Sorry.” If he or she does not, any other player may counter the spell by saying “Sorry” as it is cast. || If any player says “Sorry” at any other time, Sorry deals 2 damage to that player.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. Its first ability now says "Before any player casts a spell with the same name as a card in any graveyard, that player may say 'sorry.' If the player doesn't, any other player may say 'sorry' as the spell is cast. When another player says 'sorry' this way, counter the spell." The second ability now reads "Whenever a player says 'sorry' at any other time, Sorry deals 2 damage to that player."
Verdict: This works. Sorry.
Spark Fiend || 4R || Summon Beast || 5/6 || When Spark Fiend comes into play, roll two six-sided dice. On a total of 2, 3, or 12, sacrifice Spark Fiend. On a total of 7 or 11, do not roll dice for Spark Fiend during any of your following upkeep phases. If you roll any other total, note it. || During your upkeep, roll two six-sided dice. On a total of 7, sacrifice Spark Fiend. If you roll the noted total, do not roll dice for Spark Fiend during any of your following upkeep phases. On any other roll, there is no effect.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". Additionally, this creature's abilities have been completely re-written. The first ability now reads "When Spark Fiend enters the battlefield, roll two six-sided dice. If you rolled 2, 3, or 12, sacrifice Spark Fiend. If you rolled 7 or 11, don't roll dice for Spark Fiend during any of your following upkeeps. If you rolled any other total, note the total." The second ability now reads "At the beginning of your upkeep, roll two six-sided dice. If you rolled 7, sacrifice Spark Fiend. If you roll the noted total, don't roll dice for Spark Fiend during any of your following upkeeps. Otherwise, do nothing."
Verdict: This card is weird. But it works.
Spatula of the Ages || 4 || Artifact || {4}, {T}, Sacrifice Spatula of the Ages: Put into play from your hand any card from an Unglued supplement.
Errata: This card's effect is now "You may put a silver-bordered permanent card from your hand onto the battlefield."
Verdict: Well, black border cards do care about what cards were originally printed in certain expansions (see the cards City in a Bottle, Golgothian Sylex, and Apocalypse Chime). So we could do the same here: let you cheat in an Unglued card. But the question is: Does this work for basic lands, which are printed in Unglued? And if so, is it just their Unglued printings, or all of them? I could rule either way here, but we’d have to make a decision there. But once we do, this card works fine.
Squirrel Farm || 2G || Enchantment || {1}{G}: Choose a card in your hand. Covering the artist’s name, reveal the card to target player. If that player cannot name the artist, reveal the artist’s name and put a Squirrel token into play. Treat this token as a 1/1 green creature.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "{1}{G}: Reveal a card in your hand, covering the artist credit. Target opponent guesses the artist. If that player guesses wrong, create a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token."
Verdict: This card would be ungodly good against me because I never look at the artists. That said, I don’t think it works online. First up, you now have to specify which printing of each card you’re using, as the same card could have multiple pieces of artwork, each done by a different person. This applies to all “artist matters” cards in the future too. But I think that’s easily done. Regardless, for Squirrel Farm specifically, I don’t think it works, because you have to deal with the opponent’s artists instead of your own. I think that if you wanted to force it to work, we probably could work something out. Pull out an image of the printing of the card that you are using, screencap it, crop out the artist’s name (or censor it with photoshop). But that’s way too much effort for such a simple effect. Also, by the way, we would have to rule that “target player” should say “target opponent”. Otherwise you just target yourself and intentionally screw it up. I mean, having said that, even if that were allowed, I mean... 2 mana for a 1/1 token isn’t exactly a good play.
Strategy, Schmategy || 1R || Sorcery || Roll a six-sided die for Strategy, Schmategy. On a 1, Strategy, Schmategy has no effect. Otherwise, it has one of the following effects. || 2 -- Destroy all artifacts. || 3 -- Destroy all lands. || 4 -- Strategy, Schmategy deals 3 damage to each creature and player. || 5 -- Each player discards his or her hand and draws seven cards. || 6 -- Roll the die two more times.
Errata: The first line has been re-written to now say "Roll a six-sided die. Strategy, Schmategy has the indicated effect." An additional line has been added after that which says "1 -- Do nothing." In the line labeled "4", "each creature and player" has been re-written to be "each creature and each player". And the final line has been completely re-written to now say "6 -- Repeat this process two more times."
Verdict: Yes, it works. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T ROLL A THREE.
Team Spirit || 2G || Instant || All creatures controlled by target player and his or her teammates get +1/+1 until end of turn.
Errata: "All creatures controlled by target player and his or her teammates" is now "Creatures target player's team controls".
Verdict: This works.
Temp of the Damned || 2B || Summon Zombie || 3/3 || When you play Temp of the Damned, roll a six-sided die. Temp of the Damned comes into play with a number of funk counters on it equal to the die roll. || During your upkeep, remove a funk counter from Temp of the Damned or sacrifice Temp of the Damned.
Errata: "Summon" is now "Creature". "When you play Temp of the Damned" is now "As Temp of the Damned enters the battlefield". "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". "the die roll" is now "the result". "During your upkeep" is now "At the beginning of your upkeep". "or" has been replaced with a period followed by the phrase "If you can't,".
Verdict: This works.
The Cheese Stands Alone || 4WW || Enchantment || If you control no cards in play other than The Cheese Stands Alone and have no cards in your hand, you win the game.
"If" is now "When" and "cards in play" is now "permanents".
Verdict: Not only does this work, but it has been functionally reprinted in black-border in the form of Barren Glory. The only difference is that Barren Glory waits until your upkeep to trigger.
The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast® Customer Service || XYZRR || Sorcery || The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast® Customer Service deals X damage to each of Y target creatures and Z target players.
Errata: This one doesn't have any errata! Yay!
Verdict: Despite being overly confusing, this is just a Comet Storm that costs one extra mana. It works.
Timmy, Power Gamer || 2GG || Summon Legend || 1/1 || {4}: Put a creature into play from your hand.
Errata: "Summon Legend" is now "Legendary Creature -- Human Gamer". The effect now says "You may put a creature card from your graveyard onto the battlefield."
Verdict: That works. Maybe a little overpowered, but I’m not sure on that one. It is a 1/1, so it dies to literally everything.
Urza’s Contact Lenses || 0 || Artifact || Urza’s Contact Lenses comes into play tapped and does not untap during its controller’s untap phase. || All players play with their hands face up. || Clap your hands twice: Tap or untap Urza’s Contact Lenses.
Errata: The first ability now reads "Urza's Contact Lenses enters the battlefield tapped." The second ability now reads "Urza's Contact Lenses doesn't untap during your untap step." The third ability now reads "As long as Urza's Contact Lenses is untapped, all players play with their hands revealed." The fourth ability now reads "Clap your hands twice: You may tap or untap Urza's Contact Lenses."
Verdict: This works if we use /me commands to clap twice. However, it doesn’t work within Magic’s rules. At least, not as intended. Back in the day, artifact effects turned off while tapped, which is how you’d use this card, but since that’s no longer the case, this card design’s original intent is lost. Still, it works as a two-way “show me your hand” card. Or we could add a “doesn’t work while tapped” clause, as has been done to a few other cards from that era (Howling Mine, Static Orb, Winter Orb).
Urza’s Science Fair Project || 6 || Artifact Creature || 4/4 || {2}: Roll a six-sided die for Urza’s Science Fair Project. || 1 -- It gets -2/-2 until end of turn. || 2 -- It deals no combat damage this turn. || 3 -- Attacking does not cause it to tap this turn. || 4 -- It gains first strike until end of turn. || 5 -- It gains flying until end of turn. || 6 -- It gets +2/+2 until end of turn.
Errata: This card has gained the creature type "Construct". The first ability has been re-written to now say "{2}: Roll a six-sided die. Urza's Science Fair Project gets the indicated result."
Verdict: This works.
Volrath’s Motion Sensor || B || Enchant Player || When Volrath’s Motion Sensor comes into play, choose target hand controlled by an opponent. Enchanted player balances Volrath’s Motion Sensor on the back of that hand. || If Volrath’s Motion Sensor falls off the hand, sacrifice Volrath’s Motion Sensor and that player loses 3 life.
Errata: This card's type is now "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant player" is now inside the text box. The next ability now reads "As Volrath's Motion Sensor enters the battlefield, choose one of enchanted player's hands. That player balances Volrath's Motion Sensor on the back of that hand." The final ability now reads "When Volrath's Motion Sensor falls off the chosen hand, sacrifice Volrath's Motion Sensor and enchanted player loses 3 life."
Verdict: Won’t work. Even if we make people proxy this effect by letting them balance any Magic card on their hand, the effect falls apart because we have to use our hands to type on the keyboard, and not just use our vocal chords to speak. So it won’t work. Not to mention that some people may not own any real Magic cards and are just proxying.
All right, well, that’s Unglued done. Time for Unhinged!
_____ || 1U || Creature -- Shapeshifter || 1/1 || {1}: This card’s name becomes the name of your choice. Play this ability anywhere, anytime.
Errata: This card's name now becomes the "card name" of your choice, rather than the "name" of your choice.
Verdict: It works. Notably, this card also has flavor text that allows you to change its flavor text by paying {1}, but that ability can’t be used because it is flavor text and not rules text. However, the reminder text that points this out is also flavor text, so the reminder text wouldn’t work, thereby making the rules text work, since the reminder text says that the rules text doesn’t work. As if that weren’t bad enough, the reminder text also has reminder text of its own that says that it doesn’t work. Basically, we have no clue whether it works or not. If we can come up with a ruling on whether or not you can change its flavor text, great. But regardless of whether you can or not, this works.
“Ach! Hans, Run!” || 2RRGG || Enchantment || At the beginning of your upkeep, you may say “Ach! Hans, run! It’s the ...” and name a creature card. If you do, search your library for the named card, put it into play, then shuffle your library. That creature has haste. Remove it from the game at end of turn.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "At the beginning of your upkeep, you may say 'Ach Hans, run It's the . . .' and the name of a creature card. If you do, search your library for a card with that name, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle your library. That creature gains haste. Exile it at the beginning of the next end step."
Verdict: Ach! Hans, run! It’s a card that works!
Aesthetic Consultation || B || Instant || Name an artist. Remove the top six cards of your library from the game, then reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal a card by the named artist. Put that card into your hand, then remove all other cards revealed this way from the game.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "Choose an artist. Exile the top six cards of your library, then reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal a card with art by the chosen artist. Put that card in your hand and exile all other cards revealed this way."
Verdict: This technically works. However, we have to rule what to do if you are proxying, and your proxy is literally just a piece of paper with the name of a card on it. I’d rule that it just counts as having no artist, so you couldn’t name it.
Ambiguity || 2UU || Enchantment || Whenever a player plays a spell that counters a spell that has been played or a player plays a spell that comes into play with counters, that player may counter the next spell played or put an additional counter on a permanent that has already been played, but not countered.
Errata: Despite the fact that spells are now "cast" rather than "played", this card did not receive any errata. Also, fun fact about this card: look at its artwork upside-down and you'll see something really cool.
Verdict: I see nothing wrong with this. It works.
Artful Looter || 2U || Creature -- Human Wizard || 1/2 || {T}: Draw a card, then discard a card. || Whenever a permanent comes into play that shares an artist with another permanent you control, untap Artful Looter.
Errata: The trigger is now "Whenever a permanent that shares an artist with another permanent you control enters the battlefield".
Verdict: This works.
Assquatch || 4R || Creature -- Donkey Lord || 3½/3½ || Each other Donkey gets +1½/+1½. || Whenever another Donkey comes into play, untap target creature and gain control of it until end of turn. That creature gains haste until end of turn.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: The math is confusing, because you’re not used to working with fractions, but other than that, it’s fine. We would have to reprogram JaceBot to accept non-integer life totals though.
Ass Whuppin’ || 1WB || Sorcery || Destroy target silver-bordered permanent in any game you can see from your seat.
Errata: No errata here. This one was unchanged.
Promo: This card was Unhinged's prerelease promo.
Verdict: This is pretty useless. I mean, it works as a Vindicate that only targets silver-bordered stuff. But beyond that, we rarely, if ever, play multiple games at once. I suppose if there is a game happening in #mtg, then we can use #mtgdiscussion or #m52 for a second game. But realistically, I don’t see that happening very often. Still, from a rules perspective, this works.
Atinlay Igpay || 5W || Eaturecray -- Igpay || 3/3 || Oubleday ikestray || Eneverwhay Atinlay Igpay’s ontrollercay eaksspay ay onnay-Igpay-Atinlay ordway, sacrificesay Atinlay Igpay.
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Avatar of Me || 2UU || Creature -- Avatar || */* || Avatar of Me costs {1} more to play for each ten years you’ve been alive. || Avatar of Me’s power is equal to your height in feet and its toughness is equal to your American shoe size. Round to the nearest ½. || Avatar of Me’s color is the color of your eyes.
Errata: It now costs {1} more to "cast", not to "play". Additionally, the last ability has been re-written to now say "Avatar of Me is the color of your eyes."
Verdict: This conditionally works. The condition being that people have to tell the truth. Oh, hi, I was born yesterday and am ten thousand feet tall. Yeah... people will do stupid stuff. Best not risk it.
AWOL || 2W || Instant || Remove target attacking creature from the game. Then remove it from the removed-from-game zone and put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone.
Errata: This card has been re-written to now say "Exile target attacking creature. Then remove it from the game. Then put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone."
Verdict: This works, provided that we accept the implementation of a new zone.
Bad Ass || 2BB || Creature -- Donkey Zombie || 3½/1 || {1}{B}, Growl: Regenerate Bad Ass.
Errata: None
Verdict: Grrr... this works. We can either type out our growls or use /me.
B-I-N-G-O || 1G || Creature -- Hound || 1/1 || Trample || Whenever a player plays a spell, put a chip counter on its converted mana cost. || B-I-N-G-O gets +9/+9 for each set of three numbers in a row with chip counters on them.
Errata: A player now "casts" a spell instead of "plays" a spell.
Verdict: This card is dependent on its artwork. The numbers on the art are, in order from top to bottom left to right (i.e. the order you would read them if it was plain text): 1 4 7 8 5 3 2 0 6. JaceBot doesn’t show this, which is problematic. Yeah, we could manually add it in, but then we’d have to do that each time the bot updates. It would get annoying very quickly. We could also make people look up an image of it. That would work, but it’s an extra step to do. Rules-wise, this works online, but it’s a pain to keep track of. I guess it’s no worse than any permanent that can receive multiple types of counters. Hi, Frankenstein’s Monster! I see you!
Blast from the Past || 2R || Instant || Madness {R}, cycling {1}{R}, kicker {2}{R}, flashback {3}{R}, buyback {4}{R} || Blast from the Past deals 2 damage to target creature or player. || If the kicker cost was paid, put a 1/1 red Goblin creature token into play.
Errata: The last sentence now reads "If Blast from the Past was kicked, create a 1/1 red Goblin creature token." It also has been moved to be combined with the previous line into one ability.
Verdict: This does work. It can be confusing if you cast it for its flashback cost, but you pay the buyback cost as well. This is because the card tries to exile itself and return to your hand. Luckily, in such an event, Rule 616 would kick in and allow you to choose which location to put the card.
Bloodletter || 2B || Creature -- Zombie || 2/3 || When the names of three or more nonland permanents begin with the same letter, sacrifice Bloodletter. If you do, it deals 2 damage to each creature and each player.
Errata: None
Verdict: It works, provided that we only use English names, even if foreign cards are used. Fun fact, by the way. After the release of Kaladesh, they changed all cards with Æ to Ae. So that’s a thing that you can do.
Booster Tutor || B || Instant || Open a sealed Magic booster pack, reveal the cards, and put one of those cards into your hand. (Remove that card from your deck before beginning a new game.)
Errata: None
Promo: This card was an Arena League promo.
Verdict: Okay, here’s my problem with this. Are simulated packs allowed? Given that we allow proxies, that would make sense, but if that’s the case, then I would just always choose to use a pack of Beta or Unlimited. That lets you get Power Nine, dual lands, Time Vault, Sol Ring, Balance, and a whole slew of other broken cards. Channel, Demonic Tutor, Fastbond, Mana Vault, Mind Twist, Wheel of Fortune... the list goes on. Now, in real life, the trade-off for this is the ludicrous expensiveness of a pack of Beta/Unlimited. A single pack of Unlimited will cost you about nine hundred dollars. With that balance factor removed, though, this becomes problematic. Now, let’s assume that we do disallow simulations. You must open a physical pack. Then this card just becomes unfair. Some people live near card shops that sell packs dating all the way back to the game’s early days. Some only sell stuff that is Standard-legal. And some don’t live near a card shop at all and are unable to acquire cards in this way. I vote we just don’t allow this card. Which is a shame, cause it sounds fun to use.
Bosom Buddy || 3W || Creature -- Elephant Townsfolk || 1/4 || Whenever you play a spell, you may gain ½ life for each word in that spell’s name.
Errata: You now "cast" spells instead of "play" spells.
Verdict: This works.
Brushstroke Paintermage || 3U || Creature -- Human Wizard || 2/3 || {T}: Target permanent’s artist becomes the artist of your choice until end of turn.
Errata: None
Verdict: Um... sure, why not?
Bursting Beebles || 2U || Creature -- Beeble || 2/2 || Bursting Beebles is unblockable as long as defending player controls two or more nonland permanents that share an artist.
Errata: "Bursting Beebles is unblockable" was changed to "Bursting Beebles can't be blocked".
Verdict: It would be difficult to work out, cause you’d have to ask your opponent what art they are using. I recommend not allowing it.
Cardpecker || 1W || Creature -- Bird || 1½/1 || Flying || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent touches the table with his or her hand, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Cardpecker from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The first sentence now begins with "If" instead of "Whenever" and the second begins with "When" instead of "If". Additionally, the "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed.
Verdict: Doesn’t work. We don’t know when you touched the table.
Carnivorous Death-Parrot || 1U || Creature -- Bird || 2/2 || Flying || At the beginning of your upkeep, sacrifice Carnivorous Death-Parrot unless you say its flavor text.
Verdict: Works for me.
Cheap Ass || 1W || Creature -- Donkey Townsfolk || 1/3½ || Spells you play cost {½} less to play.
Errata: Both instances of "play" were changed to "cast".
Verdict: Um... sure.
Cheatyface || UUU || Creature -- Efreet || 2/2 || You may sneak Cheatyface into play at any time without paying for it, but if an opponent catches you right away, that player may remove Cheatyface from the game. || Flying
Errata: The first ability has been completely re-written to now say "If Cheatyface is in your hand, you may sneak Cheatyface onto the battlefield. If an opponent catches you right away, that player may exile Cheatyface."
Verdict: It would be too easy to cheat with this card, by cheating it in without letting the opponent have an opportunity to catch you. Having said that, if we ban it, people can still play it anyways, and justify the cheating as being in the spirit of this card. So, we’re kinda forced to allow it.
Circle of Protection: Art || 1W || Enchantment || As Circle of Protection: Art comes into play, choose an artist. || {1}{W}: The next time a source of your choice by the chosen artist would deal damage to you this turn, prevent that damage. || {1}{W}: Return Circle of Protection: Art to its owner’s hand.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The phrase "with art" has been added before "by the chosen artist".
Promo: This card was an Arena League promo.
Verdict: This works.
City of Ass || Land || City of Ass comes into play tapped. || {T}: Add one and one-half mana of any one color to your mana pool.
Errata: None
Verdict: This was a lot cooler back when mana burn still existed, cause it forces you to take damage. Now, though, I guess this is just a rainbow-colored tapland. It still works. Although if you get two of them out, then you’re making three mana.
Collector Protector || 3WW || Creature -- Human Gamer || 2/5 || {W}, Give an opponent a nonland card you own from outside the game: Prevent the next 1 damage that would be dealt to you or Collector Protector this turn.
Errata: None
Verdict: Won’t work.
Creature Guy || 3G || Creature -- Beast || 3/3 || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says “Creature” or “Guy,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Creature Guy from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The words that an opponent has to say ("creature" and "guy") are now lowercase. The "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed. The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If".
Verdict: This guy works.
Curse of the Fire Penguin || 4RR || Enchant Creature || Curse of the Fire Penguin consumes and confuses enchanted creature. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ Creature -- Penguin || 6/5 || Trample || When this creature is put into a graveyard from play, return Curse of the Fire Penguin from your graveyard to play.
Errata: The card type of the first section of this card is now "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant creature" has been moved to be in the text box. The second ability of the second section of this card has been re-written to now say "When this creature dies, return Curse of the Fire Penguin to the battlefield."
Verdict: This is confusing, but I think it works. It essentially just treats the creature as a double-faced card and transforms it into this thing. Then it repeats the process with a new creature.
Deal Damage || 2RR || Instant || Deal Damage deals 4 damage to target creature or player. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says “Deal” or “Damage,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Deal Damage from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The words that an opponent has to say ("deal" and "damage") are now lowercase. The "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed. The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If".
Verdict: I can deal with this being allowed.
Double Header || 3UU || Creature -- Drake || 2/3 || Flying || When Double Header comes into play, you may return target permanent with a two-word name to its owner’s hand.
Errata: This now triggers when it "enters the battlefield" instead of when it "comes into play".
Verdict: It’s an odd quality to care about, but it works. Also, I love this card’s flavor text.
Drawn Together || 2WW || Enchantment || As Drawn Together comes into play, choose an artist. || Creatures by the chosen artist get +2/+2.
Errata: This now affects "Creatures with art by the chosen artist".
Verdict: This is good.
Duh || B || Instant || Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)
Errata: None
Verdict: We have to judge whether this applies to Oracle text or printed text, and if it’s the printed text, keep track of which printing we are using. But other than that, there’s no issues.
Dumb Ass || 2R || Creature -- Donkey Barbarian || 3½/2 || At the beginning of your upkeep, flip a coin. If you lose the flip, target opponent chooses whether Dumb Ass attacks this turn.
Errata: None, although now that I think about it, how does this card work if you lose a flip when all of your opponents have hexproof?
Verdict: That’s fine. Again, for fraction cards, we need to have JaceBot handle non-integers, but I can’t imagine that this would be hard.
Elvish House Party || 4GG || Creature -- Elf Rogue || */* || Elvish House Party’s power and toughness are each equal to the current hour, using the twelve-hour system.
Errata: None
Verdict: Won’t work due to time zones. I suppose we could say that one time zone is definitive, such as the one that our servers are in or the one our webmaster is in. But that’s more effort than it’s worth. Alternatively, it could mean that if we each have an Elvish House Party in play, they could be different strengths, due to our different time zones.
Emcee || 2W || Creature -- Human Rogue || 0/1 || Whenever another creature comes into play, you may stand up and say in a deep, booming voice “Presenting ...” and that creature’s name. If you do, put a +1/+1 counter on that creature.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: Presenting... my verdict! This won’t work due to the “deep booming voice” part. If we just had to say “Presenting”, it would work. Now, theoretically, we could make it say just that bit and ignore the “deep booming voice” thing. I don’t know, maybe.
Enter the Dungeon || BB || Sorcery || Players play a Magic subgame under the table starting at 5 life, using their libraries as their decks. After the subgame ends, the winner searches his or her library for two cards, put those cards into his or her hand, then shuffles his or her library.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "Players play a Magic subgame under the table, starting at 5 life and using their libraries as their decks. The winner searches his or her library for two cards, puts those cards into his or her hand, then shuffles his or her library."
Verdict: Well, this exists in black border. It’s called Shahrazad. Of course, that’s banned in all formats. There are a few differences. For one, Enter the Dungeon starts at 5 life, so it goes quicker. As such, the time issue (the primary reason the card is banned) is a non-issue here. Another difference is that it rewards the player who wins, rather than punishing the player that loses. And, of course, being an Un-card, it happens under the table. So, I guess we make a #underthetable room as soon as this is played? The other issue is that JaceBot can only keep track of one life total per player at a time, but we can always use poison/experience/energy to pretend. There’s also the issue of people need to have physical space to use their cards, which they may not have access to. What’s more, some people use TappedOut or similar simulation sites. In that case, they can’t exactly start a new game using only the cards remaining in their decks at that point. It would take a while to set up. So despite how fun this seems to be, I’m going to have to say no.
Erase (Not the Urza’s Legacy One) || 2W || Instant || If you control two or more white permanents that share an artist, you may play Erase (Not the Urza’s Legacy One) without paying its mana cost. || Remove target enchantment from the game.
Errata: The last sentence has been changed to say "Exile target enchantment."
Verdict: This works. We’d have to get around the “artist matters” issue, but like I’ve previously said, I think it can be done.
Eye to Eye || 2B || Instant || You and target creature’s controller have a staring contest. If you win, destroy that creature.
Errata: None.
Verdict: No.
Face to Face || 1R || Sorcery || You and target opponent play a best two-out-of-three Rock, Paper, Scissors match. If you win, Face to Face deals 5 damage to that opponent.
Errata: The last word of this card has been changed to "player."
Verdict: Technically, this would work if we had a third party confirm that people weren’t changing their mind after both players have chosen. In theory, we do need that anyways for the black border card Goblin Game, but no one really plays Goblin Game.
Farewell to Arms || 1BB || Enchantment || As Farewell to Arms comes into play, choose a hand attached to an opponent’s arm. || When the chosen hand isn’t behind its owner’s back, sacrifice Farewell to Arms. If you do, that player discards his or her hand ... of cards. (The lawyers wouldn’t let us do it the other way.)
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: Doesn’t work.
Fascist Art Director || 1WW || Creature -- Human Horror || 2/2 || {W}{W}: Fascist Art Director gains protection from the artist of your choice until end of turn.
Errata: None
Verdict: Oh, please. This is an American-made game. Like fascism can ever come to the USA. Hahahahahahahahahaha. (weeps hopelessly) By the way, this works.
Fat Ass || 4G || Creature -- Donkey Shaman || 2/3½ || Fat Ass gets +2/+2 and has trample as long as you’re eating. (Food is in your mouth and you’re chewing, licking, sucking, or swallowing it.)
Errata: The reminder text has been changed to "(Gum isn't food. We checked.)" Curiously, the US Government does consider gum to be food. Like, you can't sell gum unless you have a permit to sell food.
Verdict: Doesn’t work.
First Come, First Served || 1W || Enchantment || The attacking or blocking creature with the lowest collector number has first strike. If two or more creatures are tied, they all have first strike.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now reads "Each attacking or blocking creature with the lowest collector number among attacking or blocking creatures has first strike."
Verdict: Seems fine. We have to actually check collector’s numbers, but that shouldn’t be too hard. Pre-Exodus cards don’t have collector’s numbers, so I’d assume they aren’t counted for the purposes of this card.
Flaccify || 2U || Instant || Counter target spell unless its controller pays {3}{½}.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works.
Form of the Squirrel || G || Enchantment || As Form of the Squirrel comes into play, put a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token into play. You lose the game when it leaves play. || Creatures can’t attack you. || You can’t be the target of spells or abilities. || You can’t play spells.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. Its first ability now says "As Form of the Squirrel enters the battlefield, create a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token. You lose the game when that creature leaves the battlefield." Its second ability now says "Creatures can't attack you." Its third ability now says "You have shroud." Its fourth ability now says "You can't cast spells."
Verdict: The flavor is wonky, but other than that, this works.
Fraction Jackson || 2G || Creature -- Human Hero || 1/1½ || {G}, {T}: Return target card with a ½ on it from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: None.
Verdict: Um... sure? I don’t think you’ll get much use out of it, though. How many cards are there that have ½ on them? It can’t possibly be that many. Especially since literally 100% of them would have had to come from Unhinged.
Framed! || 1U || Instant || Tap or untap all permanents by the artist of your choice.
Errata: This card has been re-written to now say "Choose an artist. Tap all untapped permanents with art by that artist or untap all tapped permanents with art by that artist."
Verdict: Rules-wise, this works. Unfortunately, it is way too overpowered. Since most players prefer all their lands to match in art, this becomes a ridiculous “untap all your lands” card, effectively doubling your mana. Good luck facing a Storm deck that uses this.
Frankie Peanuts || 2WW || Legendary Creature -- Elephant Rogue || 2/3 || At the beginning of your upkeep, you may ask target player a yes-or-no question. If you do, that player answers the question truthfully and abides by that answer if able until end of turn.
Errata: None.
Verdict: Well, we could get it to work on WyvernIRC. The problem is that this is literally a “you win the game” card. All you have to do is ask “Will your answer to this question be the same as your answer to the question ‘Will you concede the game this turn?’” and then you win.
Frazzled Editor || 1R || Creature -- Human Bureaucrat || 2/2 || Protection from wordy (Something is wordy if it has four or more lines of text in its text box.)
Errata: "text in its text box" is now "rules text".
Verdict: We have to make a ruling on whether flavor text and/or reminder text counts. We also have to decide how it works for people who aren’t using the actual card and are instead proxying with pieces of paper and the like. I think we could make these judgments though, and then the card is fine. By the way, this card’s flavor text includes the word “penis”. Yes, really.
Gleemax || 1,000,000 || Legendary Artifact || You choose all targets for all spells and abilities.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works within the rules just fine. Good luck getting a million mana to cast it though. I guess there’s infinite combos and the like. By the way, even without being able to cast it, this card combos really well with Blast of Genius.
Gluetius Maximus || 3GG || Creature -- Beast || 5/5 || As Gluetius Maximus comes into play, an opponent chooses one of your fingers. (Thumbs are fingers, too.) || When the chosen finger isn’t touching Gluetius Maximus, sacrifice Gluetius Maximus.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: Doesn’t work, but that doesn’t matter, because this has been obsoleted by so many cards already. A 5/5 for 5 isn’t very good in green.
Goblin Mime || 1R || Creature -- Goblin Mime || 2/2 || When you speak, sacrifice Goblin Mime.
Errata: None.
Promo: This card was an Arena League promo.
Verdict: /me commands to the rescue! I actually really want to play a game of Magic while gagged. That would be funny. I vote yes, though I do recognize that this seems like something that should be a no.
Goblin Secret Agent || 2R || Creature -- Goblin Rogue || 2/2 || First strike || At the beginning of your upkeep, reveal a card from your hand at random.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works in black-border. The only reason it’s an Un-Card is the whacky card frame, and the artwork’s flavor not being very fantasy-esque.
Goblin S.W.A.T. Team || 3R || Creature -- Goblin Warrior || 2/2 || Say “Goblin S.W.A.T. Team”: Put a +1/+1 counter on Goblin S.W.A.T. Team unless an opponent swats the table within five seconds. Play this ability only once each turn.
Errata: "Play" is now "Activate".
Verdict: Won’t work. Even if /me commands are allowed, the fact that IRC lag is a thing would make the five-second rule impossible to judge.
Granny’s Payback || 7G || Sorcery || You gain life equal to your age.
Errata: None.
Promo: This card was an Arena League promo.
Verdict: Oh dear god, I never want to play Magic against an old person ever again. But this does work.
Graphic Violence || 2G || Instant || All creatures by the artist of your choice get +2/+2 and gain trample until end of turn.
Errata: "All creatures by the artist of your choice" is now "All creatures with art by the artist of your choice".
Verdict: This works.
Greater Morphling || 6UU || Creature -- Shapeshifter || 5/5 || {2}: Greater Morphling gains your choice of banding, bushido 1, double strike, fear, flying, first strike, haste, landwalk of your choice, protection from a color of your choice, provoke, rampage 1, shadow, or trample until end of turn. || {2}: Greater Morphling becomes the colors of your choice until end of turn. || {2}: Greater Morphling’s type becomes the creature type of your choice until end of turn. || {2}: Greater Morphling’s expansion symbol becomes the symbol of your choice until end of turn. || {2}: Greater Morphling’s artist becomes the artist of your choice until end of turn. || {2}: Greater Morphling gets +2/-2 or -2/+2 until end of turn. || {2}: Untap Greater Morphling.
Errata: The third ability now says "Greater Morphling becomes the creature type of your choice until end of turn." The fifth ability is now "Greater Morphling's art becomes by the artist of your choice until end of turn." Unrelated, by the way, but I now have a list of all landwalks that exist in Magic! Desert, Forest, Island, Legendary Land, Mountain, Nonbasic Land, Plains, Snow Forest, Snow Land, Snow Swamp, Snow-Covered Plains, Swamp.
Verdict: As lengthy as all that text is, my concern with it is in just one word: landwalk. What the hell are my options here? Do I have to choose a basic land type, so that I can have forestwalk or swampwalk or the like? Or do I choose any land type, such as desertwalk or gatewalk? Note that gatewalk does not exist on any real Magic card. On top of that, some landwalks that exist don’t even use land types, but instead use supertypes, such as legendary landwalk (found on Livonya Silone and on Ayumi, the Last Visitor). Can I choose that? Heck, even worse, Dryad Sophisticate has nonbasic landwalk, which is just... dumb. So bottom-line: I don’t even know how to work with that ability. We need to form a list of possible landwalks, but assuming that this is done, I see no issues with it.
Head to Head || W || Instant || You and target opponent play Seven Questions about the top card of that player’s library. (That player looks at the card, then you ask up to six yes-or-no questions about the card that he or she answers truthfully. You guess the card’s name -- that’s question seven -- and the player reveals the card.) If you win, prevent all damage that would be dealt this turn by a source of your choice.
Errata: The reminder text now begins with "To play Seven Questions," before explaining it. The reminder text has also been moved to the end of the card.
Verdict: Not only does this work, but it sounds super fun!
Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil || 8BB || Creature -- Demon Child || 8/8 || Flying, first strike, trample || If you say “I’m coming, too!” as you search your library, you may pay {1}{B} and reveal Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil from your library to have it deal 2 damage to a player of your choice. Do this no more than once each turn.
Errata: The final ability has been re-written to now read "Once each turn, while you're searching your library, you may pay {1}{B}, reveal Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil from your library and say 'I'm coming, too' If you do, Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 2 damage to a player of your choice."
Verdict: I’m going to make a ruling that you can only use the ability of any Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil once per turn, not just once per copy that you have. Otherwise, this becomes impossible to track, because you constantly shuffle your library. But no issues beyond that. 10 mana for an 8/8 flying first strike trample though. Damn.
Johnny, Combo Player || 2UU || Legendary Creature -- Human Gamer || 1/1 || {4}: Search your library for a card and put that card into your hand. Then shuffle your library.
Errata: The word "and" has been removed and replaced with a comma. The two sentences have now been combined into one sentence with a comma separating them now.
Verdict: Rules-wise, this works. May be overpowered though.
Keeper of the Sacred Word || 2G || Creature -- Human Druid || 2/3 || As Keeper of the Sacred Word comes into play, choose a word. || Whenever an opponent says the chosen word, Keeper of the Sacred Word gets +3/+3 until end of turn.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: As with all verbal cards, we will have to limit its scope to #mtg and #mtgdiscussion, but if we do, I think we’re fine.
Kill! Destroy! || 1BB || Instant || Destroy target nonblack creature. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says “Kill” or “Destroy,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Kill! Destroy! from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The words that an opponent has to say ("kill" and "destroy") are now lowercase. The "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed. The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If".
Verdict: This works, so I cannot bring myself to kill this card from our games.
Ladies’ Knight || 3W || Creature -- Human Knight || 2/2 || Flying || Spells that players wearing at least one item of women’s clothing cost {1} less to play. (Women’s clothing is designed to be worn exclusively by women.)
Errata: The final ability has been re-written. It now reads "Spells cast by players wearing at least one item of women's clothing cost {1} less to cast. (You can define women's clothing as you see fit. Be reasonable.)"
Verdict: Won’t work online. I’m uncertain whether or not I want to play with it offline as well. A part of me REALLY wants to, and a part of me REALLY doesn’t want to. And that’s regardless of the gender of my opponent.
Land Aid ’04 || GG || Sorcery || Search your library for a basic land card, put that card into play tapped, then shuffle your library. If you sang a song the whole time you were searching and shuffling, you may untap that land.
Errata: "into play" is now "onto the battlefield".
Verdict: Won’t work. I suppose we could just say that you always fail and that it comes in tapped, but what’s the fun in that?
Laughing Hyena || 1G || Creature -- Hyena || 2/2 || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent laughs, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Laughing Hyena from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If". The "!" after "Gotcha" has also been eliminated.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Letter Bomb || 6 || Artifact || When Letter Bomb comes into play, sign it and shuffle it into target player’s library. That player reveals each card he or she draws until Letter Bomb is drawn. When that player draws Letter Bomb, it deals 19½ damage to hm or her.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The second sentence has been re-written to say "That player reveals each card he or she draws until he or she draws Letter Bomb."
Verdict: Won’t work. Also holy shit, this sounds brutal.
Little Girl || HalfW || Creature -- Human Child || ½/½
Errata: None.
Verdict: Well, it’s vanilla. So it works. Paying half a mana is odd, but do-able. Not sure what you’re supposed to do with this card. I mean, I guess she chump-blocks okay, but get a real creature for that. This is awful. Still, though, it works within the rules of the game, and poses no issues with online functionality.
Look at Me, I’m R&D || 2W || Enchantment || As Look at Me, I’m R&D comes into play, choose a number and a second number one higher or one lower than that number. All instances of the first chosen number on permanents, spells, and cards in any zone are the second chosen number.
Errata: The first sentence and the second sentence are now separate abilities. In the first ability, "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". In the second ability, it has been completely re-written to now say "All instances of the first chosen number in the full text of each permanent, spell, and card in any zone are changed to the second number."
Verdict: I think that this would break the game when used in combination with some cards. That said, I cannot think of any combinations off the top of my head, so I could be wrong.
Loose Lips || U || Enchant Creature || As Loose Lips comes into play, choose a sentence with eight or fewer words. || Enchanted creature has flying. || Whenever enchanted creature deals damage to an opponent, you draw two cards unless that player says the chosen sentence.
Errata: The type has been changed to "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant creature" has been moved to inside the text box. "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The last clause of the last ability has been re-written to say "that player may say the chosen sentence. If he or she doesn't, you draw two cards."
Verdict: This works, but it’s begging to be abused unfairly, so I vote no. I don’t want people taking advantage of other people, either inside or outside the game, and that is what this card is inviting them to do.
Magical Hacker || 1U || Creature -- Human Gamer || 1/2 || {U}: Change the text of target spell or permanent by replacing all instances of + with -, and vice versa, until end of turn.
Errata: None.
Verdict: Again, I think this breaks the game somehow, but I have no idea how. It might be okay. Either way, nothing impairing online functionality.
Mana Flair || 1R || Instant || Add {R} to your mana pool for each nonland permanent by the artist of your choice.
Errata: The words "with art" have been added to the card before "by the artist".
Verdict: For each one... in play? For each one... under your control? Not sure. We’d have to make a ruling. But it works.
Mana Screw || 1 || Artifact || {1}: Flip a coin. If you win the flip, add {2} to your mana pool. Play this ability only any time you could play an instant.
Errata: It now adds {C}{C} instead of {2}. And the last sentence has been re-written to say "Activate this ability only any time you could cast an instant."
Verdict: Oooh! I found a way to break Look at Me, I’m R&D! Just change all instances of {1} to {0}, and ta-da! Infinite mana. But still, works within the rules, and suffers nothing from being played online.
Man of Measure || 1WW || Creature -- Human Knight || 2/2 || As long as you’re shorter than an opponent, Man of Measure has first strike and gets +0/+1. || As long as you’re taller than an opponent, Man of Measure gets +1/+0.
Errata: Rather than "has first strike and gets +0/+1", it now "gets +0/+1 and has first strike."
Verdict: Doesn’t work online. People can lie about their height. Plus, I have no idea what my height even is.
Meddling Kids || 2WU || Creature -- Human Child || 2/3 || As Meddling Kids comes into play, choose a word with four or more letters. || Nonland cards with the chosen word in their text box can’t be played.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield" and "Nonland cards" are now "Spells".
Verdict: This works. By the way, for best results, choose “target”.
Mise || U || Instant || Name a nonland card, then reveal the top card of your library. If the card is the named card, draw three cards.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "Choose a nonland card name, then reveal the top card of your library. If that card has the chosen name, you draw three cards."
Promo: This card was an Arena League promo.
Verdict: Combos well with Sensei’s Divining Top. Also, this works fine. Why the hell is it silver-bordered?
Moniker Mage || 2U || Creature -- Human Wizard || 2/2 || {U}, Say your middle name: Moniker Mage can’t be the target of spells or abilities this turn. || {U}, Say an opponent’s middle name: Moniker Mage gains flying until end of turn.
Errata: The effect of the first ability now says "Moniker Mage gains shroud until end of turn."
Verdict: People can lie about what their middle name is, so I vote no.
Monkey Monkey Monkey || 3G || Creature -- Ape || 1/1 || As Monkey Monkey Monkey comes into play, choose a letter. || Monkey Monkey Monkey gets +1/+1 for each nonland permanent whose name begins with the chosen letter.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: Sure, that works.
Mons’s Goblin Waiters || R || Creature -- Goblin Waiter || 1/1 || Sacrifice a creature or land: Add {HalfR} to your mana pool.
Errata: None.
Verdict: Mostly useless, but it works.
Mother of Goons || 2B || Creature -- Human Cleric || 3/2 || Whenever a creature an opponent controls is put into a graveyard from play, sacrifice Mother of Goons unless you insult that creature.
Errata: The trigger is now "Whenever a creature an opponent controls dies".
Verdict: This sounds like so much fun! I may start doing this even when I don’t have Mother of Goons in play. Oh, and by the way, it works online!
Mouth to Mouth || 3U || Sorcery || You and target opponent have a breath-holding contest. If you win, you gain control of target creature that player controls.
Errata: This card has now been completely re-written to now say "Choose target opponent and target creature that player controls. You and that player have a breath-holding contest. If you win, you gain control of that creature."
Verdict: Won’t work online.
Mox Lotus || 15 || Artifact || {T}: Add {∞} to your mana pool. || {100}: Add one mana of any color to your mana pool. || You don’t lose life due to mana burn.
Errata: The last ability has been removed.
Verdict: This got so much better when mana burn was removed. Yeah, infinite mana, but as soon as this gets destroyed, you’re no longer safe from mana burn and you’re going to burn infinitely. Now, though, you just lose the mana. Way better. It works online, and yeah, I’m totally okay with using it.
My First Tome || 3 || Artifact || {1}, {T}: Say the flavor text on a card in your hand. Target opponent guesses that card’s name. You may reveal that card. If you do and your opponent guessed wrong, draw a card.
Errata: "your opponent" is now "that player". The word "you" has been added before "draw a card". By the way, fun fact, the Unstable printing of Super-Duper Death Ray has the same flavor text as the Magic 2015 printing of Hot Soup.
Verdict: It works. And also, it sounds super fun and annoying. We’d have to ban Google searches and Gatherer searches and the like, but other than that, I think it could work.
Name Dropping || 1G || Enchantment || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says a word that’s in the name of a card in your graveyard, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return that card to your hand.
Errata: The first sentence is an "If" instead of a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" instead of an "If". Additionally, the "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed.
Verdict: This works.
Necro-Impotence || BBB || Enchantment || Skip your untap step. || At the beginning of your upkeep, you may pay X life. If you do, untap X permanents. || Pay ½ life: Remove the top card of your library from the game face down. Put that card into your hand at end of turn.
Errata: The final effect is now "Exile the top card of your library face down. Put that card into your hand at the beginning of the next end step."
Verdict: Yeah, that works. It could be done in black-border easily, if you just change the fraction into a whole number.
Now I Know My ABC’s || 1UU || Enchantment || At the beginning of your upkeep, if you control permanents with names that include all twenty-six letters of the English alphabet, you win the game.
Errata: No changes needed here.
Verdict: We will have to assume that you are playing English-language cards, but yeah, this works. FYI, the way to do this with the fewest permanents is to have Jacques Le Vert and Kruphix, God of Horizons in addition to this card. Then you have all twenty-six.
Number Crunch || 2U || Instant || Return target permanent to its owner’s hand. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says a number, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Number Crunch from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The first sentence is an "If" instead of a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" instead of an "If". Additionally, the "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed.
Verdict: Oh man, this one is a headache. How many cards in your hand? What are your creatures (with p/t?). Untapped mana? These are questions we ask all the time on WyvernIRC, and so it can’t really work here. Also, is JaceBot telling you your score the equivalent of you telling it to your opponent? I vote no, but technically, if you wanted to make it work, you probably could. You just need to address these rulings first.
Old Fogey || GG || Summon Dinosaur || 7/7 || Phasing, cumulative upkeep {1}, echo, fading 3, bands with other Dinosaurs, protection from Homarids, snow-covered plainswalk, flanking, rampage 2
Errata: "Summon Dinosaur" is now "Summon -- Dinosaur". The "echo" ability now says "echo {G}{G}" to reflect the change to Echo made in Time Spiral block. Oddly, the "snow-covered plainswalk" is still unchanged, despite the fact that it ought to now say "Snow plainswalk" to reflect the change to Snow-Covered Lands made in Coldsnap.
Verdict: You’d expect me to say that this works in black-border, and it does... mostly. There are
Orcish Paratroopers || 2R || Creature -- Orc Paratrooper || 4/4 || When Orcish Paratroopers comes into play, flip it from a height of at least one foot. Sacrifice Orcish Paratroopers unless it lands face up after turning over completely.
Errata: This card has been re-written. It now says "When Orcish Paratroopers enters the battlefield, flip it from a height of at least one foot. Sacrifice Orcish Paratroopers unless it turns over completely at least once during the flip and lands face up."
Verdict: Won’t work.
Our Market Research Shows That Players Like Really Long Card Names So We Made this Card to Have the Absolute Longest Card Name Ever Elemental || 1GG || Creature -- Elemental || 2/2 || Art rampage 2 (Whenever this becomes blocked by a creature, it gets +2/+2 for each creature in the blocker’s art beyond the first.)
Errata: None. I wonder if the market research really does show this?
Verdict: This mostly works, if we specify which printings we’re using. However, there are a lot of issues that we could run into. For example, what happens if you block this with a Scute Mob? I guess you’d better start counting.
Persecute Artist || 1BB || Sorcery || Choose an artist other than Rebecca Guay. Target player reveals his or her hand and discards all nonland cards by the chosen artist.
Errata: The words "with art" have been added to the card before "by the chosen artist".
Verdict: Sure, I guess. It’s no worse than any of the other “artist matters” cards.
Phyrexian Librarian || 3B || Creature -- Horror || 3/3 || Flying, trample || At the beginning of your upkeep, remove the top card of your library from the game face up and balance it on your body. || When a balanced card falls or touches another balanced card, sacrifice Phyrexian Librarian.
Errata: The phrase "remove the top card of your library from the game face up" has been changed to "exile the top card of your library".
Verdict: Won’t work.
Pointy Finger of Doom || 4 || Artifact || {3}, {T}: Spin Pointy Finger of Doom in the middle of the table so that it rotates completely at least once, then destroy the closest permanent the finger points to.
Errata: No changes made here.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Punctuate || 3R || Instant || Punctuate deals damage to target creature equal to half the number of punctuation marks in that creature’s text box. (The punctuation marks are ! ? , ; : - – ( ) / “ ‘ & .)
Errata: In more bizarre anti-exclamation-point moments, the "!" has been removed from the reminder text of this card. However, now the quotation mark and the apostrophe feature multiple variants. The reminder text now reads "(The punctuation marks are ? , ; : - — ( ) / " " ‘ ' & .)"
Verdict: We’d probably use Oracle text, since that’s what JaceBot shows us, unless we want to also count flavor text, in which case, we’d use the physical printing. We’d have to make a ruling on that. The other issue is that, unlike black-bordered “half” cards, this does not specify whether to round up or down. We’d have to make a ruling on that as well.
Pygmy Giant || 1RR || Creature -- Giant || 0/2 || {R}, {T}, Sacrifice a creature: Pygmy Giant deals X damage to target creature, where X is a number in the sacrificed creature’s text box.
Errata: None.
Verdict: We have to make a call of whether or not to count flavor text, but other than that, this seems fine.
Question Elemental? || 2UU || Creature -- Elemental || 3/4 || Flying || Are you aware that when you say something that isn’t a question, the player who first points out this fact gains control of Question Elemental?
Errata: Did you know that the creature type changed from "Elemental" to "Elemental?"? And were you aware that both of its abilities have also undergone complete re-writes? Is it a known fact that the first ability now says "Did you know this creature has flying?" And has it been made clear that the second ability now reads "Are you aware that any time you say something that isn't a question, when a player points out this fact first, that player gains control of Question Elemental?"
Verdict: Did you know that I think this is totally fine for use on WyvernIRC? Will we run into problems with it? Doubtful, but if we do, we can deal with that, right? I suppose we would have to limit the scope of its influence to just #mtg and #mtgdiscussion, though, wouldn’t we?
Rare-B-Gone || 2BR || Sorcery || Each player sacrifices all rare permanents, then reveals his or her hand and discards all rare cards.
Errata: This card has been re-written. It now says "Each player sacrifices all permanents that are rare or mythic rare, then each player reveals his or her hand and discards all cards that are rare or mythic rare."
Verdict: We need to decide whether to ask for the individual printing, or just have this affect anything that has ever been printed at rare. Additionally, early Magic sets had weird rarities, because of print sheets and multiple copies on each sheet, and so forth. To simplify, I suggest we use Gatherer to determine rarity. We also need to decide whether Mythics and Masterpieces count as Rares or not.
R&D’s Secret Lair || Legendary Land || Play cards as written. Ignore all errata. || {T}: Add {1} to your mana pool.
Errata: This card now adds {C} instead of adding {1}. However, this creates a paradox, because the card itself would ignore that very errata, and thus, still continue to add {1}. Luckily, there's a fix for this, because they also added another sentence after the mana ability to say "This mana is still added to your mana pool." Of course, such a sentence would itself also be ignored. Fortunately, there is a rules fix for this. Namely, whenever a player tries to add generic mana (as opposed to colorless mana) to their mana pool, they get that much colorless instead. This comes up in black-bordered Magic on exactly one card: Elemental Resonance. But because the solution does exist, we can use it.
Verdict: I mean... this is just asking for trouble. There’s literally no way to use this card without abusing it. So I don’t want to legalize it, but having said that... it totally works fine online.
Red-Hot Hottie || 2RR || Creature -- Elemental || 2/5 || Whenever Red-Hot Hottie deals damage to a creature, put a third-degree-burn counter on that creature. It has “At the end of each turn, sacrifice this creature unless you scream ‘Aaah!’ at the top of your lungs.”
Errata: "At the end of each turn" is now "At the beginning of each end step" and the "!" has been removed.
Verdict: Doesn’t work.
Remodel || 2G || Instant || If you control two or more green permanents that share an artist, you may play Remodel without paying its mana cost. || Remove target artifact from the game.
Errata: The second ability now says "Exile target artifact."
Verdict: This works just as well as any other “artist matters” cards.
Richard Garfield, Ph.D. || 3UU || Legendary Creature -- Human Designer || 2/2 || You may play cards as though they were other Magic cards of your choice with the same mana cost. (Mana cost includes color.) You can’t choose the same card twice.
Errata: The reminder text was moved to the end.
Promo: Richard Garfield Ph.D is now available as a promo printing to promote Magic's 30th anniversary.
Verdict: This is super weird... but it works. To make it even trickier, try banning Gatherer. You have to rely on your mental knowledge of the game.
Rocket-Powered Turbo Slug || 3R || Creature -- Slug || 3/1 || Super haste (This may attack the turn before you play it. (You may put this card into play from your hand, tapped and attacking, during your declare attackers step. If you do, you lose the game at the end of your next turn unless you pay this card’s mana cost during that turn.))
Errata: The reminder text has been re-written. It now says "(This may attack the turn before you cast it. (You may put this card from your hand onto the battlefield tapped and attacking during your declare attackers step. If you do, you lose the game at the beginning of your next turn's end step unless you pay this card's mana cost during that turn.))"
Verdict: This works. It’s literally just like the Pact cycle from Future Sight, except keyworded, and on a creature. That’s fine.
Rod of Spanking || 1 || Artifact || {2}, {T}: Rod of Spanking deals 1 damage to target player. Then untap Rod of Spanking unless that player says “Thank you, sir. May I have another?”
Errata: None.
Verdict: Technically works, but man... I really don’t want to play against this card. The context of the statement just seems... deeply unsettling. I guess I’ll just concede if it ever comes out, cause yeah, don’t want to deal with that.
Sauté || 1RR || Instant || Sauté deals 3½ damage to target creature or player.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works.
Save Life || W || Instant || Choose one -- Target player gains 2½ life; or prevent the next 2½ damage that would be dealt to target creature this turn. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says “Save” or “Life,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Save Life from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The words that an opponent has to say ("save" and "life") are now lowercase. The "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed. The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If". Finally, this card's actual abilities have been re-templated to be bullet points. It now says "Choose one --" on its first line, but then has the two options listed as bullet points on the next two lines, eliminating the word "or".
Verdict: While there are a lot of cards that aren’t able to be used, this is one that I feel we can save.
Shoe Tree || 4G || Creature -- Treefolk || 3/3 || Shoe Tree comes into play with up to two shoe counters on it. Use your shoes as counters. || Shoe Tree gets +1/+1 for each shoe counter on it.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: This works if we eliminate the “use your shoes as counters” clause, which is easily done. We just treat the counters as regular counters. It does ruin the fun a bit, but there is no reason why you had to use your shoes in the first place. Nothing about the card design indicates that. I guess the issue is that you would only be allowed two counters and couldn’t proliferate beyond that. But we can easily add a “Shoe Tree can’t have more than two shoe counters on it” clause. That does have precedence in black border, by the way. Rasputin Dreamweaver can’t have more than seven dream counters on it. So that would work.
Side to Side || 2G || Instant || You and target opponent arm-wrestle. If you win, put a 3/3 green Ape creature token into play.
Errata: The final sentence is now "If you win, create a 3/3 green Ape creature token."
Verdict: Won’t work.
Six-y Beast || 3R || Creature -- Beast || 0/0 || As Six-y Beast comes into play, you secretly put six or fewer +1/+1 counters on it, then an opponent guesses the number of counters. If that player guesses right, sacrifice Six-y Beast.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The words "after it enters the battlefield" have been added to the end of the card.
Verdict: This faces the same issue as Face to Face, as well as the black-bordered card Goblin Game. We need a third party to confirm that people aren’t changing their minds. But if we can provide that, then that’s fine.
Smart Ass || 2U || Creature -- Donkey Wizard || 2½/1 || Whenever Smart Ass attacks, name a card. Defending player may reveal his or her hand and show you that the named card isn’t there. If that player doesn’t, Smart Ass is unblockable this turn.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "Whenever Smart Ass attacks, choose a card name. If defending player has no cards with the chosen name in his or her hand, that player may reveal his or her hand. If he or she doesn't reveal his or her hand, Smart Ass can't be blocked this turn."
Verdict: That works. The fraction is an issue, as JaceBot will only accept integers, but we can fix that.
S.N.O.T. || G || Creature -- Ooze || *²/*² || As S.N.O.T. comes into play, you may stick it onto another creature named S.N.O.T. in play. If you do, all those creatures form a single creature. || S.N.O.T.’s power and toughness are each equal to the square of the number of S.N.O.T.s stuck together. (One is a 1/1, two are a 4/4, three are a 9/9, and four are a 16/16.)
Errata: This card has been completely re-written and is now rather hilarious as a result. So, the first ability now says "You may have S.N.O.T. enter the battlefield stuck to another creature named S.N.O.T. If you do, all those creatures form a single creature." The second ability now says "S.N.O.T.'s power and toughness are each equal to the square of the number of cards named S.N.O.T. stuck together to form it. (One is a 1/1, two are a 4/4, three are a 9/9 and four are a 16/16. If you manage to get -1 S.N.O.T.s stuck together, it's a 1/1.)" That last bit of reminder text killed me. Like, actually killed me. Any time I connect to IRC from now on, it's actually just my ghost. It is now my life goal to somehow get a negative amount of S.N.O.T. cards stuck together. I don't know how I'm going to pull THAT off, but I'll figure it out eventually. (I already have some ideas.)
Verdict: I really want an infinite combo that makes a lot of token copies of this. I mean, uh... I didn’t say that. I meant to say that this works online. We will have to make a ruling on whether or not S.N.O.T. is summoning sick if it has some parts of it that entered play this turn and some parts of it that didn’t. But we’ll figure that out, I’m sure.
Spell Counter || 2UU || Instant || Counter target spell. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent says “Spell” or “Counter,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Spell Counter from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The words that an opponent has to say ("spell" and "counter") are now lowercase. The "!" after "Gotcha" has been removed. The first sentence is now an "If" rather than a "Whenever" and the second sentence is a "When" rather than an "If".
Verdict: This spell works.
Standing Army || 2WW || Creature -- Human Soldier || 2/4 || As long as you’re standing, Standing Army has vigilance. (Attacking doesn’t cause it to tap.)
Errata: The reminder text has been removed.
Verdict: This won’t work.
Staying Power || 2W || Enchantment || As long as Staying Power is in play, “until end of turn” and “this turn” effects don’t end.
Errata: "As long as Staying Power is in play," has been removed from the card.
Verdict: This works, but is needlessly confusing and makes a lot of cards overpowered.
Stone-Cold Basilisk || 4G || Creature -- Basilisk || 2½/5 || Whenever Stone-Cold Basilisk blocks or becomes blocked by a creature with fewer letters in its name, destroy that creature at end of combat. (Punctuation and spaces aren’t letters.) || Whenever an opponent reads Stone-Cold Basilisk, that player is turned to stone until end of turn. Stoned players can’t attack, block, or play spells or abilities.
Errata: Stoned players now can't "attack, block, cast spells, or activate abilities."
Verdict: I really like the first part of this card, and that works. Which makes it so annoying because I have to say that the card overall doesn’t work. The second part is impossible to enforce. We could say that it’s whenever you call the card with JaceBot, but I’d also want to enforce if by stoning you whenever you read up and see the card text again. And there’s no way to know whether or not you did.
Stop That || B || Instant || Target player discards a card. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent audibly flicks the cards in his or her hand, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Stop That from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The first sentence is now an "If" instead of a "Whenever" and the second is a "When" instead of an "If". The "!" in "Gotcha!" has also been removed.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Super Secret Tech || 3 || Artifact || All premium spells cost {1} less to play. || All premium creatures get +1/+1.
Errata: Both instances of the word "all" have been removed and the word "play" was changed to "cast".
Verdict: Won’t work, due to proxies. The point is to encourage you to foil out your deck, which, if we’re proxying, is done simply by saying you have done so, which destroys the intent of this card. Additionally, it’s not always clear which cards have been printed in foil and which have not, so it’s unclear to people what you even can proxy with this. Furthermore, there are some cards which are only available in foil, such as the face cards of the Commander preconstructed decks, or the face cards of the planeswalker decks, or so on. This card also qualifies there: it’s only available in foil, hence it being “super secret”. The other secret thing about it is that its collector’s number is 141/140, so you wouldn’t know that it existed unless you opened one. Heck, for a while, it wasn’t even on Gatherer. Finally, there is another issue with this card: What happens if you meld a foil and non-foil together? Would it get +1/+1? There’s no easy answer there. Having said all that, I’m okay with this card in games where proxies are disallowed. But since we allow proxies for the majority of our games, I’m okay with that.
Supersize || 1G || Instant || Target creature gets +3½/+3½ until end of turn.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works.
Symbol Status || 2GG || Sorcery || Put a 1/1 colorless Expansion-Symbol creature token into play for each different expansion symbol among permanents you control.
Errata: "Put a 1/1 colorless Expansion-Symbol creature token into play" is now "Create a 1/1 colorless Expansion-Symbol creature token".
Verdict: Yeah, that works. If you use this in your deck, though, you have to plan out which versions of each card you use.
Tainted Monkey || 1B || Creature -- Ape || 1/1 || {T}: Choose a word. Target player puts the top card of his or her library into his or her graveyard. If that card has the chosen word in its text box, that player loses 3 life.
Errata: None.
Verdict: We have to choose whether or not to count flavor text, but regardless, this works.
The Fallen Apart || 2BB || Creature -- Zombie || 4/4 || The Fallen Apart comes into play with two arms and two legs. || Whenever damage is dealt to The Fallen Apart, remove an arm or a leg from it. || The Fallen Apart can’t attack if it has no legs and can’t block if it has no arms.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: That works, we just use counters to represent arms and legs.
Time Machine || 5 || Artifact || {T}: Remove Time Machine and target nontoken creature you own from the game. Return both cards to play at the beginning of your upkeep on your turn X of the next game you play with the same opponent, where X is the removed creature’s converted mana cost.
Errata: This card has been completely re-written. It now says "{T}: Exile Time Machine and target nontoken creature you own. Return them to the battlefield at the beginning of your upkeep on your turn X in the next game you play with one of your opponents in this game, where X is the converted mana cost of the exiled creature."
Verdict: It’s a bitch to keep track of, but it works.
Togglodyte || 3 || Artifact Creature -- Golem || 4/4 || Togglodyte comes into play turned on. || Whenever a player plays a spell, toggle Togglodyte’s ON/OFF switch. || As long as Togglodyte is turned off, it can’t attack or block, and all damage it would deal is prevented.
Errata: The first ability has turned "comes into play" into "enters the battlefield". The second ability now uses "casts" instead of "plays". The third ability has changed "all damage it would deal is prevented" to "prevent all damage it would deal".
Verdict: That... is okay. I mean, it works. Seems awfully weak from a power-level perspective though.
˙sʞɹoʍ sıɥʇ ʍoɥ ǝnlɔ ou ǝʌɐɥ ı ¿ʇı ƃuıuƃıssɐ ǝɹoɟǝq ǝƃɐɯɐp lɐǝp noʎ op ¿sdǝʇs oslɐ ɹo sǝsɐɥd ʎluo ʇɔǝɟɟɐ sıɥʇ sǝop ¿ʇı ƃuıuuıƃǝq ǝɹoɟǝq uɹnʇ ɹnoʎ puǝ oʇ uɐǝɯ ʇı sǝop ʇɐɥʍ ˙ǝuılɟɟo sʞɹoʍ sıɥʇ ʍoɥ ɐǝpı ou ǝʌɐɥ ı puɐ ˙ǝuılɟɟo sʞɹoʍ ʇı sɐ llǝʍ sɐ ʎluo s’ʇɐɥʇ ʇnq 'sǝʎ sı ɹǝʍsuɐ ʎɯ ı '”¿ǝuıluo ʞɹoʍ sıɥʇ llıʍ“ ǝɯ ʞsɐ noʎ ɟı :ʇɔıpɹǝʌ
˙"sɐ ƃuol sɐ" ɐ ƃuıǝq oʇ "ɟı" uɐ ƃuıǝq ɯoɹɟ pǝƃuɐɥɔ sɐɥ ʎʇılıqɐ puoɔǝs ǝɥʇ ˙ʎlƃuıpɹoɔɔɐ pǝʇɐpdn uǝǝq sɐɥ ʇxǝʇ ɹǝpuıɯǝɹ ǝɥʇ puɐ "puǝ" uɐɥʇ ɹǝɥʇɐɹ "ƃuıpuǝ" ʍou sı (ʎɐld uı sıɥʇ ɥʇıʍ ǝsɐɥd ʇsɹıɟ ǝɥʇ ǝq plnoʍ ɥɔıɥʍ) ǝsɐɥd ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ :ɐʇɐɹɹǝ
˙pǝsɹǝʌǝɹ sı ɹǝpɹo uɹnʇ ǝɥʇ 'ǝɯɐƃ ǝɥʇ uı sɹǝʎɐld oʍʇ uɐɥʇ ǝɹoɯ ǝɹɐ ǝɹǝɥʇ ɟı || (˙ƃuıuuıƃǝq puɐ 'uıɐɯ ʇɐqɯoɔǝɹd 'ʇɐqɯoɔ 'uıɐɯ ʇɐqɯoɔʇsod 'puǝ 'ɹǝpɹo ǝsɹǝʌǝɹ uı 'ǝɹɐ sǝsɐɥd ǝɥʇ) ˙pǝsɹǝʌǝɹ ǝɹɐ uɹnʇ s’ɹǝʎɐld ɥɔɐǝ ɟo sǝsɐɥd ǝɥʇ || ʇuǝɯʇuɐɥɔuǝ || n2 || ʎʌɹnʇ ʎsdoʇ
Touch and Go || 3R || Sorcery || Destroy target land. || Gotcha -- Whenever an opponent touches his or her face, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Touch and Go from your graveyard to your hand.
Errata: The "!" in "Gotcha!" has been removed. Also, the first sentence is "If" instead of "Whenever" and the second is "When" instead of "If".
Verdict: Won’t work, and even if it did, land destruction is frowned upon on WyvernIRC.
Toy Boat || 3 || Artifact Creature -- Ship || 3/3 || Cumulative upkeep--Say “Toy Boat” quickly. (At the beginning of your upkeep, put an age counter on Toy Boat, then sacrifice it unless you say “Toy Boat” once for each age counter on it-- without pausing between or fumbling it.)
Errata: None.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Uktabi Kong || 5GGG || Creature -- Ape || 8/8 || Trample || When Uktabi Kong comes into play, destroy all artifacts. || Tap two untapped Apes you control: Put a 1/1 green Ape creature token into play.
Errata: For the first ability, "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". For the second ability, the effect is now "Create a 1/1 green Ape creature token."
Verdict: This works. Heck, I have no idea why this is even silver-bordered in the first place.
Urza’s Hot Tub || 2 || Artifact || {2}, Discard a card: Search your library for a card that shares a complete word in its name with the discarded card, reveal it, and put it into your hand. Then shuffle your library.
Errata: The word "and" has been removed, and the final sentence has been combined with the previous one by changing that period to a comma.
Verdict: This works.
Vile Bile || 1B || Creature -- Ooze || 2½/2½ || Whenever a player’s skin or fingernail touches Vile Bile, that player loses 2 life.
Errata: None.
Verdict: Won’t work.
Water Gun Balloon Game || 2 || Artifact || As Water Gun Balloon Game comes into play, each player puts a pop! counter on a 0. || Whenever a player plays a spell, move that player’s pop! counter up 1. || Whenever a player’s pop! counter hits 5, that player puts a 5/5 pink Giant Teddy Bear creature token into play and resets all pop! counters to 0.
Errata: This has been re-written. The first ability now says "As Water Gun Balloon Game enters the battlefield, each player puts a pop counter on a 0." The second ability says "Whenever a player casts a spell, move that player's pop counter up 1." And the third ability says "Whenever a player's pop counter hits 5, that player creates a 5/5 pink Giant Teddy Bear creature token and resets all pop counters to 0."
Verdict: This works. The only issue is keeping track of the pop! number, but we can easily remember, or use experience/energy to do it.
Wet Willie of the Damned || 2BB || Sorcery || Wet Willie of the Damned deals 2½ damage to target creature or player and you gain 2½ life.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works, if we update JaceBot to handle fractions.
When Fluffy Bunnies Attack || 3B || Instant || Target creature gets -X/-X until end of turn, where X is the number of times the letter of your choice appears in that creature’s name.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works.
Who // What // When // Where // Why || XW // 2R // 2U // 3B // 1G || Instant // Instant // Instant // Instant // Instant || Target player gains X life. // Destroy target artifact. // Counter target creature spell. // Destroy target land. // Destroy target enchantment.
Errata: None.
Verdict: This works. It is odd to have a five-way split card, but it works. There’s nothing inhibiting its online functionality. That said, Where may be frowned upon, due to it being a land destruction card.
Wordmail || W || Enchant Creature || Enchanted creature gets +1/+1 for each word in its name.
Errata: This card's card type is now "Enchantment -- Aura" and "Enchant creature" has been moved to the text box.
Verdict: This works. It also is an absolutely insane combo with the black-bordered card Spy Kit.
Working Stiff || 1B || Creature -- Mummy || 2/2 || As Working Stiff comes into play, straighten your arms. || When you bend an elbow, sacrifice Working Stiff.
Errata: "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield".
Verdict: Won’t work.
World-Bottling Kit || 5 || Artifact || {5}, Sacrifice World-Bottling Kit: Choose a Magic set. Remove from the game all permanents with that set’s expansion symbol except for basic lands.
Errata: "Remove from the game" is now "Exile".
Verdict: This works if we specify what printing we are using.
Yet Another Æther Vortex || 3RR || Enchantment || All creatures have haste. || Players play with the top card of their libraries revealed. || Noninstant, nonsorcery cards on top of a library are in play under their owner’s control in addition to being in that library.
Errata: The "Æ" in the name is now "Ae". "in play" is now "on the battlefield".
Verdict: There are a TON of rules issues with a card being in the same zone, but they can mostly be ignored in the spirit of having fun.
Zombie Fanboy || 2B || Creature -- Zombie Gamer || 1/1 || As Zombie Fanboy comes into play, choose an artist. || Whenever a permanent by the chosen artist is put into a graveyard, put two +1/+1 counters on Zombie Fanboy.
Errata" "comes into play" is now "enters the battlefield". The words "with art" have been added before "by the chosen artist".
Verdict: That works.
Zzzyxas’s Abyss || 1BB || Enchantment || At the beginning of your upkeep, destroy all nonland permanents with the first name alphabetically among nonland permanents in play.
Errata: The words "in play" have been removed from the card.
Verdict: Assuming we allow only English cards, then this works.
That covers all of Unglued and Unhinged, but there is one more source of silver-bordered cards. One that very few people know about, because they are very hard to come by and aren’t in Gatherer. Those are the Happy Holidays cards.
In case you don’t know, Wizards of the Coast gives out a promo card to their trusted partners every holiday season. They are Christmas-themed, and are always silver-bordered. Each year gets a different promo card, and they’ve been doing it since 2006, so we have 11 of these to go through.
Starting in 2006, we have...
Fruitcake Elemental || 1GG || Creature -- Elemental || 7/7 || Fruitcake Elemental is indestructible. || At the end of your turn, Fruitcake Elemental deals 7 damage to you. || {3}: Target player gains control of Fruitcake Elemental.
Verdict: It works. The flavor (no pun intended) is something that would never be done in black-border, but mechanically, it works. On to 2007!
Gifts Given || 3U || Instant || Search target opponent’s library for four cards with different names and reveal them. That player chooses two of those cards. Put the chosen cards into the player’s graveyard and the rest into your hand. Then that player shuffles his or her library.
Verdict: It works, mostly. Searching an opponent’s library is difficult, unless they have a tappedout list (or similar) that they can provide easily, but we already have to do this with lobotomy-type effects. The other issue is putting cards you don’t own into your hand, but you can easily work around that. Next up, 2008.
Evil Presents || 2BB || Sorcery || Put a creature card from your hand into play under target opponent’s control. That creature attacks each turn if able ... and always attacks its controller.
Verdict: We need to come up with rules for what happens when you attack yourself, but other than that, this shouldn’t be too hard. Onwards to 2009!
Season’s Beatings || RRRR || Sorcery || Family gathering -- Each creature target player controls deals damage equal to its power to another random creature that player controls.
Verdict: We can use Q for randomization, so it works. We then go on to 2010’s promo.
Snow Mercy || 2WW || Snow Enchantment || Whenever a creature deals damage to you, put a globe counter on it. || {T}, {Q}, {T}, {Q}, {T}: Tap all creatures with globe counters on them.
Verdict: In case it isn’t clear, {Q} is the untap symbol, so this is just shaking a snow globe by tapping and untapping it over and over. It works. 2011’s promo is up next.
Yule Ooze || 2RG || Creature -- Ooze || 1/1 || At the beginning of your upkeep, destroy another nonland permanent chosen at random, then put a number of +1/+1 counters on Yule Ooze equal to that permanent’s converted mana cost. || {R}{G}, Eat some food: Regenerate Yule Ooze.
Verdict: Won’t work. We can’t be sure whether you eat food or not. 2012 gives us the next promo.
Naughty // Nice || 1BB // 1WW || Sorcery // Sorcery || Search another player’s library for a card and put that card into your hand. Then shuffle that player’s library. // Search your library for a card and put it into another player’s hand. Then shuffle your library.
Verdict: Well, from a power-level perspective, you always play Naughty, and never play Nice. That said, Nice has the better artwork. But yeah, this card works as well as Gifts Given does. Up next will be 2013’s promo.
Stocking Tiger || 5 || Artifact Creature -- Cat Construct || 3/3 || Stocking Tiger enters the battlefield with a sealed Magic booster pack under it. || When Stocking Tiger deals combat damage to a player, unwrap the booster pack and put it into your hand.
Verdict: See Booster Tutor. This faces all the same issues. I suppose the black-bordered card Lore Seeker also faces the same issues, now that I think about it, but it’s not like that is ever relevant for our purposes. Up next, 2014.
Mishra’s Toy Workshop || Land || {T}: Add {3} to your mana pool. Spend this mana only on spells and abilities that put tokens onto the battlefield. Use toys to represent the tokens.
Verdict: Won’t work.There’s huge debate over what counts as an ability that “puts tokens onto the battlefield”. I mean, would a card that has a “choose one” effect, one of which puts a token into play, let you use this mana, even if you choose a different effect? Dunno. Either way, we can’t enforce the use of toys. Though I suppose we could ignore that bit. 2015 is next.
Goblin Sleigh Ride || 1R || Sorcery || Target creature you control climbs onto Goblin Sleigh Ride. You slide them on their merry way. If the creature stayed on, it deals damage equal to its toughness to each other creature touched during the slide.
Verdict: Won’t work. Though I do love that “you slide them on their merry way” appears on the rules text of a Magic card. And finally, we come to the 2016 holiday promo.
Thopter Pie Network || 2UU || Enchantment || At the beginning of your upkeep, if you’re eating, create a 1/1 colorless Thopter artifact creature token with flying. Use food to represent the token. || Whenever a creature token you control dies, if it’s represented by food, eat it.
Verdict: We can do the token-making part. Enforcing the eating of the food, though, is impossible, so I’m inclined to say that this one won’t work.
And now we come to 2017. Before this year’s end, we’ll have another new holiday card, we’ll have three new silver-bordered cards that are going to be given out at Hascon, and we’ll have Unstable, which has “216-ish” cards in it. (That’s an exact number from Wizards of the Coast’s product page.)
With this in mind, perhaps we ought to re-think our philosophy on not allowing these cards. As I have proven, I think that there are a lot more that work online than don’t. So instead of banning all of them, why not just ban the ones that are problematic?